Monday, December 25, 2017

How To Deal With Older Children's Bad Decisions (Without Pushing Them Away)

Slim, pretty, equipped with her Prada bag, my son's girlfriend was in my home for a grand total of twenty-four hours. Shortly before the day ended, she informed my son she did not feel "comfortable" in my house...

I was terrified by recent research suggesting mothers are more likely to be estranged from their children than fathers and that it is more common than you think. One in 10 families studied had an estranged child. Another study concluded that feeling like a parent is constantly about to reject you for your choices creates enough emotional turmoil to threaten the relationship.

Read more here...




Sunday, October 29, 2017

How To Quietly Rage Against Ageism (And Grow Older Gracefully)

The running community is awesome. You make friends training, racing, or out for a casual jog. We’re all equal. If you can keep up with the group, you’re in. Age, ethnicity, and gender are irrelevant.
Or so I thought.
Not long ago, I ran a 10K — far from my first. The race was a combined 5K and 10K. If you’ve never run one of those, as you might guess, there’s a point at which the 5K and 10K groups divide.
As I approached the split, the specter of ageism first appeared.


I could see and hear — despite my no doubt rapidly declining faculties — a guy yelling out the split: 5Ks to the left, 10Ks to the right. He repeated 5K slightly more insistently and pointed left as I approached. Hmm.
Then I got closer, and, since my cognitive abilities are still relatively intact, or at least I like to think so, I was already on the right. And another guy actually repeated, more loudly as I got to the split, "5K, 5K, 5K!" urgent gesticulation left, urgent gesticulation left, urgent gesticulation left.
Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’m pretty sure he was convinced I looked too old for the 10K.

Read more here...


Saturday, October 7, 2017

How To Deal With (And Get OVER) The Roughest Times In Your Life

Life is not a bowl of cherries…it's more like the box of chocolates Forrest Gump's mother told him about…you never know what you're going to get.

Those chocolates you'd rather not be eating, they're what drive people to therapy. When I consider the issues people often bring to therapy…coping with a loss, a personal failure, an empty nest, a divorce…it seems like some bounce back much more quickly than others. What's the magic ingredient?

A new theory of adaptability suggests that diversifying your personal portfolio is a sustainable method of boosting your resilience to the ups and downs of life.

Do you know how your investment portfolio is supposed to be diversified? You have stocks, bonds, mutual funds, property and the like, some riskier than others. While you probably won't get rich quick, you will avoid taking a hard fall that totally wipes you out. A diversified portfolio makes your financial well-being more resilient to the ups and downs of the market.


There is evidence that expanding the number of roles, relationships and experiences in your life provides a kind of personal diversification that increases emotional resilience, that ability to bounce back, along with happiness and self-esteem.



Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Value of Bromances and 3 Ways to Build Them

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
 But don’t laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man’s) bromance might just help him live longer!
That’s because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.
According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.
But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends.

We expect our friends to be available for activities, to reach out to us and to stay in touch, and I’m sorry to say that men are often not so good with reaching out and staying in touch — behaviors that nurture relationships.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

How To STOP Feeling Lazy, Guilty & Selfish For Taking Care Of Yourself

Women tell me all the time how they want to slow down and take time out from their busy lives to chill, but they can't.

They tell me there's way too much to do to keep things going in their world, and no one else to do it.

Besides, they tell me, taking time for myself is selfish.

They tell me doing stuff for the kids, partner, parents, grandparents, friends, dogs, cats, is more important than me-time.

When they do make time for exercise, yoga, painting or a class, they feel guilty. Isn't cooking and freezing meals for the next decade, helping kids with their homework and vacuuming dog hair for the umpteenth time this week more important than self-improvement?

When they sit and read, take a walk or meditate for 30 minutes they wonder if they're being lazy. What about the cabinets to be cleaned, the extra work they could be doing at their job or preparing the gourmet meal their partner would be thrilled with?


The oxygen-on-the-plane metaphor is something I often invoke. Everyone understands that if you can't breathe you can't help your 4-year-old breathe. Think of taking a little time for solitude as something to help you breathe.



Tuesday, July 25, 2017

3 Ways To Build A Super Strong Bromance (Because Guys Need Friends, Too!)

There are have been a lot of famous bromances throughout history. Explorers Lewis and Clark. Presidents Adams and Jefferson. Authors J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. President Obama and VP Biden. And, of course, a bromance for the ages: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
But don't laugh at or make light of the bromance! Because research shows that relationships — friendships included —  are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Yes, your (or your man's) bromance might just help him live longer!
That's because loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress.
According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common.
But we may not teach boys and men how to be good friends. 

Sunday, July 16, 2017

5 Ways To Get Out Of The Bad Mood That's Ruining Your Day

My ballet career ended abruptly after a performance as Tinker Bell in Peter Pan. 

Remember when Tinker Bell is dying and the audience has to clap to bring her back to life? Instead of gracefully floating down facing the audience, I flopped down with my butt toward the crowd. 

I must have been about six. 

I can still hear the barely stifled snickers, probably from siblings forced to attend.

While there were many positive events in my childhood, the memories of them tend to be less elaborate and persistent than the Peter Pan incident, as it became known in my family. 

There were recitals in which I did not blunder. Why don't I remember them?

The psychological reason is simple: the bad outweighs the good.

Read more here...

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Top 100 Life Coach Blogs


I'm delighted my blog has been selected as one of the "Top 100 Life Coach Blogs." The fact that I'm #100 does not decrease my enthusiasm in the least. Top life coach blogs on the web, on the planet; it doesn't get much better than that! 

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

7 Self-Help Tips From My Yoga Practice

I'm never quite sure if yoga imitates life, or vice versa. I am sure the lessons I learn from my yoga practice are the same lessons my clients and friends often struggle with.

Certainly, yoga reduces anxiety and improves mood, but the practice is compelling for its subtle teachings. Whether it's recovering from the breakup, improving your health and wellness, or trying to balance work, family and life, applying these principles will help you grow.

1.      No one is perfect. In yoga, the pose that was so accessible yesterday may feel impossible today. Our bodies are different each day. So are our minds. While yesterday you worked, got the kid to soccer, got your steps in, made dinner and it all felt seamless, tomorrow is a different animal. One hiccup can throw everything off. The angry boss, the veggies you thought you had ready for that healthy meal, or the back pain you woke up with, each can undermine our best laid plans. No one can do it all, all the time. Stop beating yourself up and just order the pizza.         

2.      How you do one thing is how you do everything. My elbows are almost always sticking out, when they should be drawn in. No matter what the pose, this is an adjustment I can almost always make. If I'm honest, I can almost always be kinder, gentler and more present. What do you need to work on each and every day? It probably comes up at work and at home, with strangers and with friends. Start by noticing it.

3.      Practice makes perfect. Did I say perfect? Practice does not make us perfect, but it does make us better. I don't despair about my elbows. Slowly but surely, when I practice with an intention to keep them drawn in, I find it's happening with increasing frequency. If I begin my day with an intention to be that kinder, gentler, more present soul I aspire to be, slowly but surely, I come closer to that goal. Set your intention for the day and work on it.

4.      It's the journey. Some days I find myself ticking through the upcoming poses to see how many more I have until my practice is finished. Have I reached the halfway point? Of course, that's not the point! This is challenging because some days the practice seems so much easier than others, making the journey a lot easier. Counting the days until your child's departure for college or a job far away, you'll find that some days are a lot easier than others. Whether easy or difficult, it's your journey, and your only journey. How can you make the most of each day?

5.      Go with the flow. Some days I'm focused on improving my poses, other days on my breathing, still other days I'm moving effortlessly, feeling the flow. I don't decide in advance. It's just what feels right at that particular time. Recovering from something like a breakup, you might try just doing what you feel. Some days are more productive in one way, some days in another. You might spend a day on your garden, or another with friends. Do what you feel that day. Trust your intuition.

6.      Challenges are a gift. Whether it's a thunderstorm, car backfiring or cat trying to topple me as I practice, each is an opportunity to work on focus and concentration. Distraction gives me the chance to work on heightened control and awareness. You've planned a workout and it's hot, you're tired and you ate too much last night. It's time to focus on your plan and work your way through it the best way you can. Recognizing that you can do more than you thought, or that you really don't want to keep overeating, would each be a good result of facing your challenge.

7.      We're all in the same boat. Sometimes my teacher says plant your left heel or bring your shoulders down--I do it and realize she's actually talking to another student. These little fixes apply to all of us. Some days I'm telling everyone (including myself) the same thing, whether it's to concentrate on keeping your side of the street clean, or to look at the silver lining, or to just experience the bad feeling and allow it to pass. Groups of people with similar issues are powerful because we like to know we're not suffering alone. Remind yourself that you're not the only one. Others have been down this road before and have thrived.

So whatever your struggle, view it as a practice. Each challenge in life is something you face, work through and try to understand. Over time you improve in some ways and find yourself lacking in others. Maybe you worry less and enjoy more. Like yoga, there is no finish line. There's always room to grow.

 Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Keeping The Bromance Alive. Yes, You Can!



Now that Obama and Biden have left the building, is the bromance over? We'll have to wait and see. But why not use this as an opportunity to evaluate your relationships with your bruhs.

Why bother? Because research shows that relationships are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress. 

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of a book about men's friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common. We also expect our friends to be available for activities, to reach out to us and to stay in touch.

I'm sorry to say that men are often not so good with reaching out and staying in touch, behaviors that nurture relationships. When you're young, it doesn't take much. You go to games, work on projects or party together. As those activities disappear, generally after college, you have to find new reasons to get together. 


 

Sunday, January 15, 2017

4 Marriage-Material Qualities To ALWAYS Look For (And 4 To Ignore)

As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners for relationships that are likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things to look for in a guy, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, and many more.

You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment.

Read more here...


Saturday, January 14, 2017

How To Find A Soulmate (Hint: It Has Nothing To Do With Luck!)

One of my pet peeves is people telling me they're just "unlucky," as an explanation for why they don't have a great job, don't live in an exciting city, or aren't in a fulfilling relationship. Really?

Even in poker, while there's luck involved, there's also skill and the work of honing that skill. When it comes to being discovered as an actor, or getting that coveted job at an amazing law firm, there's always the luck of being in the right place at the right time, but you're not getting the job without skill and hard work as well.

So when I read Jesse Singal's piece, chiding Americans for ignoring the role of luck when it comes to prosperity and success, I was a little perturbed. I get his point and I don't disagree. But, as he notes, it's not ONLY luck that gets us where we want to go.

Read more here...



Saturday, January 7, 2017

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day and other Lessons From My Mom

It's been almost six months since my mother died and she is still everywhere. It's difficult to distill the wisdom of 91 years, but the rules of life I learned from her are my constant companions. This is just a sampling.

It Never Hurts To Match
Whether partnering a purse and shoes, blouse and skirt, or clothing and jewelry, avoiding clashing colors, patterns and styles is the key to looking smart and successful. Not referring specifically to partners in life here, she thought the same about those. You can't live successfully with someone with whom you clash on basic values and beliefs. Or clothing.

Every Pot Has Its Cover
Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true.

Every Pot Has Its Cover

Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true.

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day

So, about those white shoes…there are so many rules of fashion. In addition to matching and seasonal requirements, there are outfits and accessories one wears or carries for certain occasions, like clutches and pearls for weddings. Used clothing, even "lightly worn," appalled her. I believe her rules for attire were also metaphorical; if you do the right thing you'll never be sorry. It's the Jewish mother version of taking the high road. She was so right about that.

Turn The Other Cheek

When someone hurts you, don’t hurt them back, just walk away. When someone hurts you, unless they're a complete idiot and don't know it, her philosophy was, just move on. She knew that one need not state the obvious. Like the time she overheard me tell a friend I hated her because of my early curfew. She mentioned it only years later when we could have a good laugh about it. Sorry again, mom.

Practice Makes Perfect

Practicing the piano an hour a day was required, even as a six year old. Perhaps my memory exaggerates the duration, but certainly as I got older I was required to practice that much or more, much to my brother's dismay (he had to listen). My mother didn't expect perfection, but she did expect my best effort and persistence. We didn't call it grit back then, but she certainly taught me to have it. It's come in very handy.

You're Never Lonely With The Arts

My mother did not graduate from college, but I grew up surrounded by the arts. They were the loves of her life and they're loves of mine. On a rainy day with no place to go, how can one survive without music and a good book or movie? Where better to begin a visit in a new city but a museum? The arts are constant companions, always providing opportunities for creativity, learning and connection.

Eat Your Veggies With Every Meal

At every dinner there was a vegetable and salad. The veggies weren't terribly exotic, no Brussels sprouts or cauliflower. This was not a choice and no conflicts ensued. It was part of life. It was also a lesson in parenting. As a parent, when you present things matter-of-factly, you tend to get a lot more compliance. I learned to eat vegetables regularly, which has served me well. With no conscious intention, I practice the matter-of-factness in my own parenting, and honor the need for veggies.

Believe In Your Children

Not big on self-help books, I'm not quite sure how my mother acquired her parenting skills, though probably from her mother, whom she adored. I doubt that my mother would have ever said, "You should believe in your children," but the message was there. No matter what harebrained scheme (as my father would say) I came up with, and there were many, she accepted my choices. She might ask a few questions, after which she would support me unequivocally. I wouldn't be where I am today without her belief that I could do anything.

Grandparents Are Not Like Parents

My mother did things with my son she'd never done with me. Incredibly artistic and creative, she spent hours making things with him. Because she worked, she didn't have as much time for that with me. Whenever possible, she gave him anything he wanted. As he got older she'd slip him money, first for snacks, later for gas. Just the other day my son mentioned how she was, "the great spoiler." Inquiring into what he was up to, she listened, giving his activities the weight they deserved, in a way parents often don't. She taught us how the generations work together and how each has something important to give.

What Women Can Do

Although she would not have called herself a feminist, my mother showed me what women can do. Women work. Women have important relationships with other women. Women take trips with their friends, without their husbands, even to Europe. Women put family first. Women live apart from their husbands when the situation calls for it. Women have their own ideas. Women are sexy, smart, witty and creative. She taught me that women can do everything and are freakin' awesome. She did not use that word, or the other "f" word, except under extremely rare circumstances, one lesson I never mastered.

She's with me when I read a great book, play the piano, see the lurking photograph in a view and decide what I'm wearing in the morning. My mother is ever-present, not in a bad, sad way, but in an empowering, comforting way, though I miss her terribly. I (mostly) follow her rules with the hope that I can be half the woman and parent she was.