7 Rules For Managing Your In-Laws During The Holidays

Someone once said that the only family you get to pick is your dog. Often, our families are not people we would normally choose to hang out with. During the holidays, not only do we get to spend a lot of time with our families, as an added bonus, we get to spend more time with our in-laws. The dog thing generally holds for in-laws as well, but I have worked with clients who question whether to marry because of difficult in-laws-to-be. I say it's hard enough to find the person you want to spend your life with, don't let potential in-laws ruin it.  Here's how.

·         Rule #1. Don't expect it to be like your family. This is a good thing for lots of us, but not for some. Just because you do things a certain way in your family, don't expect the same from your in-laws. In some families gifts are huge, in others, barely noticeable. Some have turkey, some have ham. And really, was it so great in your family? Be open to differences and learn to go with the flow.

·         Rule #2. Tread carefully with your partner when it comes to their family. What seems to be clearly bizarre and psycho to you will not always seem so to your partner. Kissing grown adults on the lips comes to mind. Remember, when you grow up in a country where everyone eats live fish, it seems perfectly normal to you.

·         Rule#3. Notice the nature of communication among family members and consider matching it. I'm not saying you can't be yourself, but you might consider being it more like being at work than like holidays with your family. If you're in a room of stiffs, you don't want to come off as a hysterical, loud comic, even if that works for you most of the time. If the in-laws are outgoing and you're too much of a wallflower, they'll think you don't like them.

·         Rule #4. Affection and emotion are expressed, or not expressed, differently in families. What's happening in this family? You'll make people uncomfortable if you're asking about their feelings and touching people if that's not the family way. You'll also make people uncomfortable if you shrink from the big hug from Uncle Bob because that's not your family's way. Find a happy medium.

·         Rule#5. Your beloved will be different with their family. We all have a role in our family of origin (FOO). When you get together with people you only see once or twice a year, or less, you are expected to play that role. This is true despite the fact that you are now a grown-up and not a sniveling child or acting out adolescent. Chances are, you will see your beloved in that historical role. Don't knock it; it's probably the same in your FOO. Be kind.

·         Rule#6. Not everyone will love you all the time. Borrowing from Albert Ellis' wonderful irrational beliefs, you have to recognize that, unlike your FOO, your in-laws are not obligated to love you. In some families there's a clear norm for embracing the in-law like a blood relative, in others, not so much. Remember, your self-esteem is not on the line and neither is your relationship. And you're not going to love them all either.

·         Rule#7. Make it fun. Particularly if you know it's going to be difficult, I like to challenge people to tell me one or two ways to make it fun. Some examples to get you started: learn something new about someone; give someone the gift of listening to them; make someone laugh; or, set an intention to see the humor in everything.

Perhaps you've noticed that this is more about managing your reactions to your in-laws during the holidays than about managing them. That's because, unlike your dog, you can't manage your in-laws any more than you can manage your own family. What you can manage are your expectations for them and your reactions to them.  You can also manage your stress level by making sure you're engaging in stress management during the holidays. For the ultimate management, consider starting your own rituals as a new family.

First published at YourTango.

Choose Mindful Eating For The Holidays

During this time of holiday parties, luncheons, gifts of food and leftovers, mindful eating could be your gift to self. The basic premise is to slow down and tune into all aspects of your eating. This includes an accepting and compassionate stance regarding your attitudes toward eating and your body, choice of foods, portion sizes, sensory experiences and the actual mechanics of eating.

These tips stand alone, but you can combine them with mindfulness meditation for maximum effect.

·         Eat when you're hungry, not because you're bored or emotional. Ask yourself the question, Why do I want to eat this? Only eat it if you're hungry. If you're bored, do something interesting. If you think eating is interesting you probably need some new hobbies. If you're sad or mad, figure out how to address those feelings in ways other than eating.

·         Eat what you need. When you're contemplating food, ask, Is this something good for me to eat right now? If you're hungry but you have doubts about the cookies, ask, What food would be better for me? Figure out the right food for you at that moment. Be ruthless and you'll find you know what you need.

·         Savor your food. This means chewing slowly, really tasting the food and enjoying each bite. Never put a second bite in your mouth until you've finished the first bite completely. Ditto, drinking while eating; finish the bite before washing it down. Eat one peanut, piece of candy or chip and savor it before eating the next.

·         Eat slowly and stop when full. Eating slowly allows you more of an opportunity to notice when you're full. Put your utensil down between bites. When you do start to feel a slight feeling of fullness, it's a great time to stop eating. You have to take some time to tune into this but you don't have to judge it.

·         Strive for quality, not quantity. Okay, you want a piece of that Godiva. One piece is enough to experience the great taste. By the second piece, it's not as delicious. Stick to one. At the family style meal, a few bites of those heavenly cheese grits is probably enough. With cake, take a very small piece. Sample small amounts and enjoy the pleasure without the pain.

·         Re-gift problem items. People love to give the gift of food. No matter how mindful you are, if you know you can't have just one, give it away. Save money and calories. Give it to the friend with the genetically low cholesterol and body fat.

·         Make small changes. Put a little less sweetener or milk in your coffee, give up the roll with dinner or perhaps have one glass of wine instead of two. You will hardly notice these things but, if you can mindfully make these choices, they'll give you some calorie credits to get through the holidays. You can keep up these changes later for lifelong healthier eating.

·         Plan for difficult situations. Before you go to the party or dinner, consider what you will be encountering and how you would like to handle it. Think about how your body feels and what your body needs. Notice any other feelings that might come up. Decide how much you want to eat and drink, and follow your plan. If you go with someone, telling them your plan helps you commit.

·         Stop judging. If you have a less than mindful day, don't judge it, simply start over the next day. Don't just blow off the rest of the holiday season. It's not worth all the effort it will take to recover. Notice your successes, savor them and they will inspire you.

Challenge yourself to be more mindful about your choices, and less judgmental about your behavior and your body's needs. This is an opportunity to make changes to your eating and wellness plans. It's almost time for those New Year's resolutions. Why not get an early start?

Originally published at YourTango.