5 Ways The Narcissist In Your Life Turns Himself Into A Victim

When a man is a narcissist, he'll do anything to come out on top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim by using a defensive manipulation technique called "DARVO" — something Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior."

"DARVO," she explains, "stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender," the pattern through which an abuser seamlessly shifts focus away from their own behavior to that of their accuser.

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10 Ways To More Effectively Harness The Inspiring Energy Of Your Favorite Self-Help Books

You’re psyched. You scoured the latest self-help books and found the perfect one for you, one with a title along the lines of Six Simple Steps to Your Perfect Body, complete with a companion diary outlining each of the six steps.

Or perhaps the title is more like Change Your Attitude, Change Your Relationships, partnered with an accompanying workbook.

Or perhaps your passion this week led you to a book like The Idiot's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job, with a pocket manual for creating a career that will bring you joy.

You’re like the 78% of people between the ages of 18-70 who "say they want to change a fundamental aspect of themselves", and so you're reading a chapter a day in your eagerness to progress toward your goals for personal growth.

The books are right there on your bedside table so you won't forget to visit them daily.

And yet, you’re not losing weight, your attitude hasn't changed, and you still have no idea how to find your dream job.

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This Personality Test Reveals If Being 'Nice' Is Your Greatest Strength Or Weakness In Relationships

If you're the kind of the person who's always being accused of being "too nice", a simple personality test can let you know whether or not what they're telling you is the truth. 

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

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7 Ways To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone (And Why You Must!)

When was the last time you stepped outside your comfort zone? What does that even mean?

We all have routines. You get up and do certain things, often in the same order. Whether you work from home or go to an office, have kids you have to feed and transport, or animals to walk and care for, there is probably a general plan and rhythm to your day.

I love my routines. I like eating the same things, going to the same places, talking to the same people, even running the same route.

That said, when was the last time you changed it up? Changing it up means getting outside your comfort zone.

It can be something small, like stopping at the coffee shop you pass daily and picking up a cup of joe. It might be slightly bigger, like saying hello and possibly prompting a conversation with someone you normally walk past without a smile. Or it could be something major, like quitting your job in a big firm to go it alone, starting to write your first novel or speaking up to decry an injustice.

Here’s why you need to get out of your comfort zone.

1.  Face your fear and see what you can accomplish. 

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Why Being Perfect Won't Make You As Happy As You Think (And 6 Things That Actually Will)

I think of them, affectionately, as perfectionistas. Those people who begin a sentence with, “I know nothing’s perfect, but…” But what? There is no “but.” Nothing’s perfect.

Linked with suicide, addiction, anxiety, anorexia, depression, high blood pressure and early death, according to a recent study, perfectionism is on the rise.

Social media may be driving the upswing as we constantly compare ourselves with others. It’s no surprise that, with teens spending as much as 9 hours a day on social media, and the average daily worldwide social media use estimated at 135 minutes, we experience a desire for the perfect lifestyle, including all the perfect houses, jobs and people we see on-line.

Perfectionism, the relentless striving for flawlessness and excessively high performance, sets the high bar by which we consistently judge ourselves and find ourselves wanting. At the same time the perfectionist worries about how others evaluate them.

I’m anticipating your question, the same one my clients pose: “What’s wrong with trying to be as perfect as possible?”

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Post-divorce Survival Guide

My book is mentioned in a "Best Relationships Books" article!

The book helps the reader manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. I call on my personal experience and years of work with clients going through this devastating life event to demonstrate how you can emerge even better than before.

Check it out here!

5 Ways To Stop Obsessing About Your Looks (And What It Means If You Do)

You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that American women are obsessed with their appearance and constantly worrying about their looks. We all want to know how to look pretty, how to look hot and even how to look younger. 

According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, in 2016 over 4.5 million Botox injections were performed, with the total price tag for surgical and non-surgical aesthetic procedures topping 15 billion dollars. Only 9% of recipients were men.

Allure reports that 2017 was the “unofficial” year of plumped-up lips. The predictions for what will be hot in 2018 include the laser bra lift, the new Botox, upper and lower eye-lid filler and customized labia (ouch!). My personal fav is the so-called vampire breast lift. As you might guess, blood is involved. And here I was thinking Allure was cool for banning the term “anti-aging.”

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Do You Apologize Too Much? What You Need to Know About Saying Sorry

The evening I realized I said “sorry” to my cat for pushing her aside so I could share the chair with her, I knew I needed to start looking into the subject of apologizing

I’m sorry to say that when I began my research, I thought I was writing a piece about why women should stop apologizing so much. Turns out, it’s complicated.

While there is some research to support the common view that women apologize more than men, it’s not overwhelming. That said, we all know someone who over-apologizes; typically, that person is female.

To decide whether you fall in the over-apologizing group, you must know that apologies are more complex than a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Apologies fall in several categories: 

The reflexive apology

Take, for example, “I’m sorry I went out with the girls last night.” This is a like a verbal tic we have when we’re not at all sorry. You actually had a great time with the girls, but you’re trying to make reparation for a less than welcome choice you made. What you’re really thinking is, “Of  course you would be happier if I was home to make dinner and get the kids ready for bed, but really, did it kill you?”

Sometimes we offer the reflexive apology after receiving a complaint, like the one about the terrible night he had managing the kids because you were out with the girls.

Sometimes we do it before even receiving said complaint, anticipating that there might be a negative reaction to our behavior.

I have to say that my apology to the cat seems to fall in this category. I realize she is upset with me for moving her, so I’m instinctively apologizing. But am I sorry? Not really.

The reflexive apology restores balance in the relationship. You believe someone is upset with you and you automatically act to restore equilibrium.

Unsurprisingly, the maintenance of peace and harmony in relationships often falls to the woman. Is this a role you want? You must be the judge.

The assertive apology

You might say, “I’m sorry I don’t feel like cooking tonight.” It might be a reflexive apology. More likely, it’s your way of asserting that you are not going to do something and/or that you want something, i.e., “I’m not cooking so we need to go out or order in.”

Another case of the assertive apology is, “Sorry, but I didn’t ask for the more expensive synthetic oil in my car,” i.e., “I didn’t ask for this and I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

In each case, think about the meaning when you omit the “sorry.” You’re left with the same sentiment, but it’s slightly more caustic, slightly less traditionally feminine.

With the assertive apology, much like the reflexive sorry, you’re not really sorry at all. You want something, you think it will not be popular and you soften it with the “sorry.” It’s another attempt to maintain the relationship, even with the guy in the car repair shop.

It’s been argued that women ought to be more direct, ask for what they want and not let the desire to keep the peace confuse their message.

Are you better served with or without the apology?

The blame-reversing apology

Consider: “I’m sorry if it annoys you when I ask you to take out the trash.” What may be unsaid but implied by your tone is, “You know it’s your job.” We can include the “I’m sorry but…, “in this category as well. Consider: “I’m sorry what I said upset you, but you know it’s true.”

According to Harriet Lerner, the blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology at all.

A classic case, and I hate to have to say it, is Dustin Hoffman’s “apology” to Anna Graham Hunter. “I feel terrible that anything I might have done could have put her…” The use of “might” and “could,” are a double-whammy on the apology front. Both smack of blame-reversing, i.e., “It’s really not my fault that you took what I said the wrong way”

Again, you are not sorry, but unlike the reflexive apology which strives to maintain peace and harmony, or the assertive apology by which you are trying to get something, the blame-reversing apology is a passive-aggressive attempt to shift blame to the receiver while seemingly being apologetic. I agree with Lerner’s assessment because in addition to not offering contrition, it also undermines the receiver’s experience.

Personally, I like to avoid this one and recommend you do the same.

The genuine apology

By genuine I mean, first and foremost, that you’re really feeling it. It must be honest. A fake apology will fall flat. It has to sound honest, so your tone matters.

The genuine apology is something along the lines of these heart-felt apologies:

            “I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. It was thoughtless. How can I make it up to you?”

            “I’m sorry I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will try to do better next time. I hope you will call me out if I mess up again.”

            “I’m sorry I can’t make our dinner date. I know it’s important to you. When would be another good time for you?”

These, and other similar apologies reflect the fact that you understand the other person isn’t happy with something you did or didn’t do, and you’d like to make reparation.

Genuine apologies usually have the “I” word and do not include any of the aforementioned ifs, ands or buts. I don’t want to be the semantics police, but (see, there it is) words matter.

Some argue that a true apology doesn’t require a step toward reparation, but I do not agree. I think if you’re really feeling bad about something, you want to make it up to the person. But, like an offer to take someone out to dinner to make up for bad behavior, don’t force it if the person declines your offer.

Flowers or gifts after misbehavior may be nice gestures, but if it was a big transgression, don’t expect immediate forgiveness. In fact, don’t expect forgiveness. That’s up to the other person. If your apology is contingent on forgiveness, you’ve missed the point. Your apology is not supposed to be about you.

When should we (or shouldn’t we) apologize?

On one side, we have the camp that believes that women apologize more than men because it’s expected and it’s actually in their best interests to do so. This reflects the notion that when men are unapologetically assertive, it’s fine, but when women are, it’s aggressive.

Being perceived as too aggressive might cost you a promotion or your job, so you probably want to think twice, but it’s a personal decision. You may (or may not) decide that sacrificing the value you place on being assertive, in the service of being “nice,” isn’t something you’re willing to do.

Another reason we may apologize more than men is because men have a higher threshold for what constitutes a transgression.

Consider this example: My friend was walking in a local greenspace. She was accosted by three dogs, off-lead, no owner in sight. One was a pitbull. Their female owner was the first to appear and attempt, unsuccessfully, to corral them. Then the male owner stepped in. All the while the woman was apologizing profusely. The man uttered not one word of apology. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that most people, male or female, would consider this a pretty big transgression and that guy a pretty big a**hole. Apparently, that guy didn’t see it that way.

This is a perfect example of why I agree with Amanda Hess. She concluded that, in some cases, men ought to be a little more like women. We could use more people trying to restore balance and equanimity in conversation and in life. As Lerner points out, you need a lot of self-confidence to see your mistakes and offer a genuine apology.

The other camp believes that women should beware of over-apologizing. When you apologize constantly you can get into a boy-who-cried-wolf situation. Your habitual apology is eventually tuned out because it’s super-annoying to have someone repeatedly apologizing for minor offenses, or for transgressions you didn’t even notice. This is the person who is apologizing for not being clear because you’re asked them a few questions, or who’s sorry they didn’t call first each time you call them.

Over-apologizing can mean that when you really want to make a sincere apology it may fall on deaf ears. It can also reflect a lack of confidence, low self-esteem and maybe even disingenuousness. You must ask yourself if this is how you want to show up in the world.

Listen to yourself and evaluate your own apology style. You decide if it’s too much, not enough or just right.

I’m not sorry to say that when I accidentally step on my cat in the dark, I’m going to keep apologizing. When it comes to the cat, maintaining peace and harmony is up to me.

Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.