Do You Apologize Too Much? What You Need to Know About Saying Sorry

The evening I realized I said “sorry” to my cat for pushing her aside so I could share the chair with her, I knew I needed to start looking into the subject of apologizing

I’m sorry to say that when I began my research, I thought I was writing a piece about why women should stop apologizing so much. Turns out, it’s complicated.

While there is some research to support the common view that women apologize more than men, it’s not overwhelming. That said, we all know someone who over-apologizes; typically, that person is female.

To decide whether you fall in the over-apologizing group, you must know that apologies are more complex than a simple, “I’m sorry.”

Apologies fall in several categories: 

The reflexive apology

Take, for example, “I’m sorry I went out with the girls last night.” This is a like a verbal tic we have when we’re not at all sorry. You actually had a great time with the girls, but you’re trying to make reparation for a less than welcome choice you made. What you’re really thinking is, “Of  course you would be happier if I was home to make dinner and get the kids ready for bed, but really, did it kill you?”

Sometimes we offer the reflexive apology after receiving a complaint, like the one about the terrible night he had managing the kids because you were out with the girls.

Sometimes we do it before even receiving said complaint, anticipating that there might be a negative reaction to our behavior.

I have to say that my apology to the cat seems to fall in this category. I realize she is upset with me for moving her, so I’m instinctively apologizing. But am I sorry? Not really.

The reflexive apology restores balance in the relationship. You believe someone is upset with you and you automatically act to restore equilibrium.

Unsurprisingly, the maintenance of peace and harmony in relationships often falls to the woman. Is this a role you want? You must be the judge.

The assertive apology

You might say, “I’m sorry I don’t feel like cooking tonight.” It might be a reflexive apology. More likely, it’s your way of asserting that you are not going to do something and/or that you want something, i.e., “I’m not cooking so we need to go out or order in.”

Another case of the assertive apology is, “Sorry, but I didn’t ask for the more expensive synthetic oil in my car,” i.e., “I didn’t ask for this and I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”

In each case, think about the meaning when you omit the “sorry.” You’re left with the same sentiment, but it’s slightly more caustic, slightly less traditionally feminine.

With the assertive apology, much like the reflexive sorry, you’re not really sorry at all. You want something, you think it will not be popular and you soften it with the “sorry.” It’s another attempt to maintain the relationship, even with the guy in the car repair shop.

It’s been argued that women ought to be more direct, ask for what they want and not let the desire to keep the peace confuse their message.

Are you better served with or without the apology?

The blame-reversing apology

Consider: “I’m sorry if it annoys you when I ask you to take out the trash.” What may be unsaid but implied by your tone is, “You know it’s your job.” We can include the “I’m sorry but…, “in this category as well. Consider: “I’m sorry what I said upset you, but you know it’s true.”

According to Harriet Lerner, the blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology at all.

A classic case, and I hate to have to say it, is Dustin Hoffman’s “apology” to Anna Graham Hunter. “I feel terrible that anything I might have done could have put her…” The use of “might” and “could,” are a double-whammy on the apology front. Both smack of blame-reversing, i.e., “It’s really not my fault that you took what I said the wrong way”

Again, you are not sorry, but unlike the reflexive apology which strives to maintain peace and harmony, or the assertive apology by which you are trying to get something, the blame-reversing apology is a passive-aggressive attempt to shift blame to the receiver while seemingly being apologetic. I agree with Lerner’s assessment because in addition to not offering contrition, it also undermines the receiver’s experience.

Personally, I like to avoid this one and recommend you do the same.

The genuine apology

By genuine I mean, first and foremost, that you’re really feeling it. It must be honest. A fake apology will fall flat. It has to sound honest, so your tone matters.

The genuine apology is something along the lines of these heart-felt apologies:

            “I’m sorry what I said hurt your feelings. It was thoughtless. How can I make it up to you?”

            “I’m sorry I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will try to do better next time. I hope you will call me out if I mess up again.”

            “I’m sorry I can’t make our dinner date. I know it’s important to you. When would be another good time for you?”

These, and other similar apologies reflect the fact that you understand the other person isn’t happy with something you did or didn’t do, and you’d like to make reparation.

Genuine apologies usually have the “I” word and do not include any of the aforementioned ifs, ands or buts. I don’t want to be the semantics police, but (see, there it is) words matter.

Some argue that a true apology doesn’t require a step toward reparation, but I do not agree. I think if you’re really feeling bad about something, you want to make it up to the person. But, like an offer to take someone out to dinner to make up for bad behavior, don’t force it if the person declines your offer.

Flowers or gifts after misbehavior may be nice gestures, but if it was a big transgression, don’t expect immediate forgiveness. In fact, don’t expect forgiveness. That’s up to the other person. If your apology is contingent on forgiveness, you’ve missed the point. Your apology is not supposed to be about you.

When should we (or shouldn’t we) apologize?

On one side, we have the camp that believes that women apologize more than men because it’s expected and it’s actually in their best interests to do so. This reflects the notion that when men are unapologetically assertive, it’s fine, but when women are, it’s aggressive.

Being perceived as too aggressive might cost you a promotion or your job, so you probably want to think twice, but it’s a personal decision. You may (or may not) decide that sacrificing the value you place on being assertive, in the service of being “nice,” isn’t something you’re willing to do.

Another reason we may apologize more than men is because men have a higher threshold for what constitutes a transgression.

Consider this example: My friend was walking in a local greenspace. She was accosted by three dogs, off-lead, no owner in sight. One was a pitbull. Their female owner was the first to appear and attempt, unsuccessfully, to corral them. Then the male owner stepped in. All the while the woman was apologizing profusely. The man uttered not one word of apology. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that most people, male or female, would consider this a pretty big transgression and that guy a pretty big a**hole. Apparently, that guy didn’t see it that way.

This is a perfect example of why I agree with Amanda Hess. She concluded that, in some cases, men ought to be a little more like women. We could use more people trying to restore balance and equanimity in conversation and in life. As Lerner points out, you need a lot of self-confidence to see your mistakes and offer a genuine apology.

The other camp believes that women should beware of over-apologizing. When you apologize constantly you can get into a boy-who-cried-wolf situation. Your habitual apology is eventually tuned out because it’s super-annoying to have someone repeatedly apologizing for minor offenses, or for transgressions you didn’t even notice. This is the person who is apologizing for not being clear because you’re asked them a few questions, or who’s sorry they didn’t call first each time you call them.

Over-apologizing can mean that when you really want to make a sincere apology it may fall on deaf ears. It can also reflect a lack of confidence, low self-esteem and maybe even disingenuousness. You must ask yourself if this is how you want to show up in the world.

Listen to yourself and evaluate your own apology style. You decide if it’s too much, not enough or just right.

I’m not sorry to say that when I accidentally step on my cat in the dark, I’m going to keep apologizing. When it comes to the cat, maintaining peace and harmony is up to me.

Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.

The Olympics Remind Us About Lucky Charms And Other Power Objects

Olympic athletes wear lucky socks and bras, and keep four-leaf clover rings and lucky dinosaurs. These are just a few of the lucky charms, or power objects, I read about during the recent games. I'm sure we would find more if we had an opportunity to rifle through all the athletes' belongings.

You may not be getting ready to medal, but maybe you're about to go on a first date, give a speech, or interview for a job, and feel the need for a lucky charm yourself. There's nothing lucky about these charms, so I prefer the term power object. They work, but not in such mysterious ways. It's a three-step process.

Step one. When you use a power object, you first clarify your intention for your desired outcome. It's always easier to get what you want when your vision of it is clear. For example, you place mala beads (the power object) on your desk. Each time you notice the beads you will tell yourself, "be calm and breathe" (your intention), so you will be brilliant during your job interview (the outcome).

Step two. The second step is strengthening the links between the power object, intention, and outcome, through repetition. Every time you notice the power object you're reminded of your intention to stay calm and breathe. You take a few breaths each time. You're reinforcing the belief that you can control the situation and produce a positive outcome through your behavior. With each breath, that positive outcome starts to feel more likely. With each repetition, you start to feel more empowered.

Step three. The final step is using the object in the stressful situation. When you go into a stressful situation like a job interview, you may keep the beads in your pocket as a concrete reminder of your intention to stay calm and breathe. This intention has now become effortlessly attached to the power object. As a result, you feel calmer in the situation. Your desired outcome, a brilliant performance, is attainable.

Your power object can be a stone, a photo or any object that makes sense and feels right to you. You can have the object in a purse, have it pop up on your phone, or create another process that works for you. The repeated connection between the intention and the object gives you that extra sense of control over the outcome. You have created your own lucky charm that provides that Olympian power you need for a challenge.

Can Wellness be Fun?

Ask yourself: Can wellness be Fun, with a capital F?

When people hear I’ve run a half-marathon (and I try to tell as many people as possible), they groan sympathetically.  Then they usually ask what my time was.  They don’t ask me if it was Fun.

I do yoga stretches before I run.  When people comment on it, they tell me how agonizing it looks, or how painful it would be if they tried it.  They don’t ask me if I Enjoy it.

When people talk with me about losing weight, they tell me I look like I’ve never had a weight problem.  They tell me how hard it is for them to lose weight.  They don’t ask me if it feels Great to be at a healthy weight.

My point:  wellness can be Fun, with a capital F.  How, you ask?  Just a few thoughts.

I really enjoyed training for my half.  I liked pushing myself and feeling the gains.  I liked meeting people who were shooting for the same goals.  I felt Empowered, and that’s with a capital E.

I love yoga.  I like learning new poses and practices.  I like meeting new people who are also learning and seeking.  Yoga is Empowering.

I work at maintaining my weight.  I like the satisfaction I feel when I know I’ve worked hard at exercising and not overeating.  I like hanging out with people who take diet and exercise seriously.  Maintaining a healthy weight is Empowering.

The point is not to run, do yoga or eat a particular way.  You can walk, Zumba, meditate, rock climb, bike, swim, tennis, read, macrobioticize, veganize, guitar it, sing it, belly dance or pick your own Pleasure, with a capital P.  The point is to figure out how to Enjoy your wellness plan, and have your own unique kind of Fun.  Feel Empowered.

 I Got a Feeling, Black Eyed Peas

When Saying No Is Really Saying Yes

How do you lose weight when you love pasta? How do you stay in shape when you hate exercise? How do you get that project finished when you have an opportunity to go to the beach instead?

OK folks, it’s time to grow up. Yes, just face reality. Not everything we do is fun, exciting or pleasurable. Do we strive to fill our lives with pleasant activities? Yes! Can we do it all the time? No!

Sometimes we just have to do things we don’t enjoy in order to achieve a desired goal. We’ll enjoy it when we get to that goal. In fact, we’ll probably feel quite pleasantly righteous when we go from that size 10 to size 8. We’ll feel a sense of accomplishment when we realize that the snug fit of the shirt is due to more defined muscles, not more fat. We’ll feel empowered when that project is complete and we can move onto the next exciting assignment.

The way to achieve the tough goals sometimes involves figuring out how to say no. Or in coaching terms, if I say yes to the pasta, what am I saying no to, i.e., I’m saying no to that size 8.

Achieving the tough goals sometimes requires not indulging every whim or pleasure. Happiness experts struggle with understanding the differences between lasting happiness and momentary highs. The momentary high of having that steaming bowl of pasta is satisfying. I’d argue it’s not nearly as satisfying as the pleasure of dropping down to that next dress size.

Want to reach your goal? Start practicing how to say yes to your goal, and no to the stuff that gets in your way.