How To Get Your Daily Dose Of Awe

On my travels one day, I saw a skunk. Not one dead by the side of the road. Not one scurrying in the dark. It was a medium sized guy ambling across a campus road just after dawn. There were no other cars or people, so I had the opportunity to stop and watch. It had a clean and shiny coat. It didn’t seem to have a care in the word, pausing to sniff, then moving on. Also sharing this space with me were some squirrels, deer and geese.

It's hard to describe what I felt. Wonder. Peace. Community. Part of a larger world that included all these other beings. It all adds up to awe.

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Before Your Emotions Get The Best Of You, Take A Moment And Just Breathe

 

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Try a mindfulness strategy to improve self-control under stress.

You know that person, the one that always challenges your self-control? It might be a colleague you see occasionally at meetings, a friend of a friend, or a relative you only see at holidays.

How about those difficult situations, like getting a late charge because you forgot to pay a bill? Situations like that also tax our self-control abilities. Yeah, like that unexpected tax bill.

Yet another precursor of self-control problems is cumulative stress—you slept poorly, ate poorly, worked 12 hours straight and, just as you’re getting ready to shut work down for the day, the message arrives from your boss—Aargh, you are not seriously asking me to do one more thing today, are you?

That person and those situations are why you need mindfulness-based coping strategies.

According to Jon Kabat-Zin, “mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” Using mindful strategies in the face of stressors, like that person, you can behave in a controlled, thoughtful manner.

Having a mindful coping strategy, along with a couple of basic steps to improve self-control, can slow the burn, avoid the meltdown and help with a speedy recovery.

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How To Keep Calm And Carry On Despite COVID-19 Concerns

One of the (many) atypical things about COVID-19, is that the people helping you cope are experiencing and coping with the same thing, at the same time. Whatever your profession, you’re probably also a parent, partner, adult child or friend, and, as we try to help others through this pandemic, we are also trying to help ourselves.

Even as we recognize that everyone has their own specific large and small crises, we can still have a great deal of understanding and empathy, by virtue of being in the same boat.

Whether you have to separate your child from their grandparents, be mindful of your, or someone else’s, compromised immune system, or console your high school grad who will be missing experiences they’ve anticipated for years, there’s still a lot of common ground.

There are some things we must all figure out in order to cope.

How do we manage (a lot of) unstructured time?

Due to a meeting cancelled at the eleventh hour, I had an entire day completely free.

Normally a dream for a busy person, it felt a little more like a nightmare because of the circumstances. It wasn’t like I decided to take a little staycation. It was last minute, so I didn’t have a plan. It was out of my control. Routine was lacking. Hence, it felt more like a worry than a wow.

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Why Your Emotional Support Animal Is Not Treatment For Your Anxiety

I was on a recent teletherapy call with an anxious young college student. Let's call him Robbie. Half-way in he told me he thought he needed an ESA. ESA, I thought…is that one of those texting anagrams I should know, like FOMO or YOLO? Before I had a chance to ask, Robbie said that having his long-time companion, his adored tabby, in his dorm room would make his anxiety manageable.

It came to me in a flash: Emotional Support Animal. I'd read about these. A quick Google search after the call revealed that people are contacting teletherapy services, like the one I took Robbie's call on, to obtain virtually (pun intended) immediate certification to have their ERAs in dorms, pet-unfriendly apartments and on airplanes. 

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4 Steps To Becoming Your Authentic Self

One of my top recommendations for clients and friends who are dating is to be yourself. Although you may not list authenticity as a top quality for a partner or friend, recent research suggests it is one of the qualities that we seek in others. Authentic people are generally really fun to be around and easy to read. They tend to be less stressed and more satisfied. They do not trigger red flags like the inauthentic.

Authenticity is basically the opposite of being a liar, a fake or a fraud. It's being yourself, being honest, being who you truly are. According to psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener, you can increase your authenticity quotient.

So let's look at how you know if you are being authentic and how to work on being more authentic, while avoiding the trap of overplaying your authenticity. 

1. Talk the talk. Say what you really think. Honor your values, beliefs and ideals above people pleasing and despite possibly making a few waves. If you believe it's important to reduce your carbon footprint, say so.  Read more here...

Relieve Your Stress And Become A Better Mother

I'm quoted in a post about ways to reduce your stress for better parenting.

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5 Awesome Benefits Yoga And Running Bring To Life

As I ran one day it came to me, in the way that running and yoga bring insights, that there are striking similarities between the experiences of running and yoga. Neither is solely about benefits like relaxation, stress reduction or weight management, because the gains are so much bigger. Most forms of exercise and meditation enable us to practice the same skills and attitudes that also serve us well in life.

If you struggle to achieve balance, joy and growth in your life, choose an appealing form of exercise or yoga-like activity, and try it using these skills and attitudes:

1.  Respect your intelligent edge. We have all paid the price of not respecting the limits of our bodies, of not stopping at our intelligent edge. The result is physical pain or exhaustion after muscling into a pose that's beyond us or running too fast, too long on a given day. While you don't want to be a slacker, you also don't want to overdo.  It's similar to wanting to make partner, recognizing the 16 hour days, seven days a week are killing you, and deciding to slow down. Recognizing that you will get where you need to be eventually, but you only have one body and must respect it, is a useful way to view exercise and life.

2.      Balance energy and goals. Balance requires continually finding the strength to (in no particular order) set goals, achieve goals, set new goals and rework goals. Sometimes an injury gets in the way of moving forward. Sometimes one goal takes precedence over another. I thought I'd find the time to run a marathon this year, but with various things intervening, decided on a half instead. Though headstand is a goal, during each practice I don't necessarily strain to get closer. Learn that all personal and professional endeavors have an energetic push toward goals, while acknowledging that life happens and balance must be sought.

3.      Experience flow. Nothing beats the exhilarating state of flow. In flow one is challenged to perform, but the act is simultaneously effortless. Moving through the asanas of your yoga practice you may move into flow, realizing at some point that you are no longer thinking or evaluating, you're just practicing. On a long run there's often a point where you forget about the time, pace and distance and you just enjoy the feel of the air on your face, your feet hitting the ground and the feeling you're almost flying. Flow activities require skills you already possess, but they're skills you are constantly honing, much the way you develop your technique if you play a sport or musical instrument. Whether in exercise or life, challenges bring excitement and growth.

4.      Be present without striving. Some days I'm not striving to get anywhere in particular. In yoga I'm not trying to get deeper in a pose. On days like this my run is called, "Easy run," which is just what it sounds like. No requirements. There's nothing to achieve other than doing the three miles. It's like going for a leisurely bike ride with no particular destination and savoring the scenery. What a peaceful way to face a day. Be intentional about trying to master something, learn something new or perform at a higher level. The rest of the time, intentionally be present.

5.      Experience the joy of acceptance. Whether respecting your intelligent edge, creating balance in your practice and your life, or simply being present, consider whatever you can do at any given moment to be good enough if it's your best effort. Your best effort today may not be the same as your best effort tomorrow, and that's perfectly fine. It could not be any other way. Realize that everything you do does not have to be just shy of perfection and you will experience the joy of acceptance.

 There's a dynamic that occurs when you're working out or working on anything. You're trying to reach goals while also respecting your intelligent edge, learning to accept where you are today. The more you practice, the more you can bring these attitudes to life. So carve out time for your particular passion, be it kickboxing or Tai Chi, and develop skills and attitudes to bring you the balance and joy you need to face the world. Insight is another awesome bonus.

 Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.

7 Rules For Managing Your In-Laws During The Holidays

Someone once said that the only family you get to pick is your dog. Often, our families are not people we would normally choose to hang out with. During the holidays, not only do we get to spend a lot of time with our families, as an added bonus, we get to spend more time with our in-laws. The dog thing generally holds for in-laws as well, but I have worked with clients who question whether to marry because of difficult in-laws-to-be. I say it's hard enough to find the person you want to spend your life with, don't let potential in-laws ruin it.  Here's how.

·         Rule #1. Don't expect it to be like your family. This is a good thing for lots of us, but not for some. Just because you do things a certain way in your family, don't expect the same from your in-laws. In some families gifts are huge, in others, barely noticeable. Some have turkey, some have ham. And really, was it so great in your family? Be open to differences and learn to go with the flow.

·         Rule #2. Tread carefully with your partner when it comes to their family. What seems to be clearly bizarre and psycho to you will not always seem so to your partner. Kissing grown adults on the lips comes to mind. Remember, when you grow up in a country where everyone eats live fish, it seems perfectly normal to you.

·         Rule#3. Notice the nature of communication among family members and consider matching it. I'm not saying you can't be yourself, but you might consider being it more like being at work than like holidays with your family. If you're in a room of stiffs, you don't want to come off as a hysterical, loud comic, even if that works for you most of the time. If the in-laws are outgoing and you're too much of a wallflower, they'll think you don't like them.

·         Rule #4. Affection and emotion are expressed, or not expressed, differently in families. What's happening in this family? You'll make people uncomfortable if you're asking about their feelings and touching people if that's not the family way. You'll also make people uncomfortable if you shrink from the big hug from Uncle Bob because that's not your family's way. Find a happy medium.

·         Rule#5. Your beloved will be different with their family. We all have a role in our family of origin (FOO). When you get together with people you only see once or twice a year, or less, you are expected to play that role. This is true despite the fact that you are now a grown-up and not a sniveling child or acting out adolescent. Chances are, you will see your beloved in that historical role. Don't knock it; it's probably the same in your FOO. Be kind.

·         Rule#6. Not everyone will love you all the time. Borrowing from Albert Ellis' wonderful irrational beliefs, you have to recognize that, unlike your FOO, your in-laws are not obligated to love you. In some families there's a clear norm for embracing the in-law like a blood relative, in others, not so much. Remember, your self-esteem is not on the line and neither is your relationship. And you're not going to love them all either.

·         Rule#7. Make it fun. Particularly if you know it's going to be difficult, I like to challenge people to tell me one or two ways to make it fun. Some examples to get you started: learn something new about someone; give someone the gift of listening to them; make someone laugh; or, set an intention to see the humor in everything.

Perhaps you've noticed that this is more about managing your reactions to your in-laws during the holidays than about managing them. That's because, unlike your dog, you can't manage your in-laws any more than you can manage your own family. What you can manage are your expectations for them and your reactions to them.  You can also manage your stress level by making sure you're engaging in stress management during the holidays. For the ultimate management, consider starting your own rituals as a new family.

First published at YourTango.

Wellness…Where There's a Will There's a Way

This is a great time of year to take stock of where you are, anticipating those New Year's resolutions to come. I am starting a virtual group: Wellness…Where There’s a Will There’s a Way. Virtual groups are conducted by phone. You can be anywhere.

If you are facing the challenges of getting your wellness plan going, then this group is for you! Figure out what your wellness next step is. Treat yourself, or send a friend to this virtual group.

This 4-session virtual group will help you address the challenges of moving forward with your wellness plan, the will, by helping you find a way to:

* Develop the elements of a personal wellness plan (e.g., exercise, diet, stress-management) that is authentically you

* Use personal strengths and mindfulness to move forward on your goals

* Learn to take the small steps needed to build up your willpower

The virtual group coaching environment will help you use your abilities and resources in unique ways, and challenge you to move ahead.

 

My holiday gift, the first call is free!

Contact me for more information.

Read about Wellness here:

Top 7 Steps to Wellness
The Secret Of Changing Your Life
Authentic Wellness…More or Less
Can Wellness be Fun?

Need a little wellness music? Try Lovely Day.  Bill Withers

The Olympics Remind Us About Lucky Charms And Other Power Objects

Olympic athletes wear lucky socks and bras, and keep four-leaf clover rings and lucky dinosaurs. These are just a few of the lucky charms, or power objects, I read about during the recent games. I'm sure we would find more if we had an opportunity to rifle through all the athletes' belongings.

You may not be getting ready to medal, but maybe you're about to go on a first date, give a speech, or interview for a job, and feel the need for a lucky charm yourself. There's nothing lucky about these charms, so I prefer the term power object. They work, but not in such mysterious ways. It's a three-step process.

Step one. When you use a power object, you first clarify your intention for your desired outcome. It's always easier to get what you want when your vision of it is clear. For example, you place mala beads (the power object) on your desk. Each time you notice the beads you will tell yourself, "be calm and breathe" (your intention), so you will be brilliant during your job interview (the outcome).

Step two. The second step is strengthening the links between the power object, intention, and outcome, through repetition. Every time you notice the power object you're reminded of your intention to stay calm and breathe. You take a few breaths each time. You're reinforcing the belief that you can control the situation and produce a positive outcome through your behavior. With each breath, that positive outcome starts to feel more likely. With each repetition, you start to feel more empowered.

Step three. The final step is using the object in the stressful situation. When you go into a stressful situation like a job interview, you may keep the beads in your pocket as a concrete reminder of your intention to stay calm and breathe. This intention has now become effortlessly attached to the power object. As a result, you feel calmer in the situation. Your desired outcome, a brilliant performance, is attainable.

Your power object can be a stone, a photo or any object that makes sense and feels right to you. You can have the object in a purse, have it pop up on your phone, or create another process that works for you. The repeated connection between the intention and the object gives you that extra sense of control over the outcome. You have created your own lucky charm that provides that Olympian power you need for a challenge.

Best Friends for Life

What’s the first thing you let go of when you’re busy and stressed out? Be honest. Many of us would say “me time,” which includes things like hobbies, exercise, taking time to eat right and sleep enough, and spending time with friends.

While all of these things and more contribute to good stress management, for women, girlfriend time is huge. Perhaps because of that interesting hormone oxytocin, not to mention estrogen, relationships with friends have been shown to lower blood pressure, heartrate and cholesterol. Friends helped one group of subjects manage the loss of a spouse, increased joy in another study and even reduced the risk of death in yet another study.

The benefit of social support is a highly robust finding in positive psychology. So it’s not just for women that friends are important. Unfortunately, as we juggle responsibilities, friends are quick to take a backseat in our lives.

So in an effort to increase friend time, consider:
· if you don’t have time for lunch or dinner, can you meet for a quick coffee
· combining a shopping trip with friend-time
· engaging in the dreaded multitasking by calling a friend while performing some mundane household task (like folding laundry, but not while driving please)
· working out with a friend (with the added benefit of boosting your compliance by buddying-up)
· using those frequent flyer miles to visit a friend

There are lots of other ideas you might come up with if you take a few minutes to think about it. And it's important, because best friends really are for life, for a long, happy and healthy life.

Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call. Carole King