Could Pickleball Be Your Happiness Hack?

 

 Photo by Aleksander Saks on Unsplash

When an announcement for a beginner’s pickleball class appeared in my inbox I wondered if it might be just the opportunity I needed. It could be a chance to replace the casual social connections I’d lost during covid, when my yoga and running buddies fell by the wayside for various reasons. The absence of those social connections created a happiness and well-being deficit. The conversations we have, sharing little snippets of life, sometimes over the course of years, don’t seem like much, until they’re gone. This is especially true if, like me, you work from home.

Read more here...

Life Lessons From My Maiden Marathon

I have run my entire adult life. I ran my way from my first marriage, back into college, and right into a divorce. I ran my way into grad school and by the time I finished I'd run in at least twelve states, the District of Columbia, the US Virgin Islands and Canada. I ran my way through my first couple of jobs, and a second marriage and divorce. At that point I estimate I'd run in another eleven states and six other countries. Not until I entered my first race, 10 years ago, did I consider myself a "real" runner.  

Lesson 1. Don't sell yourself short. If you run, you're a runner. You don't have to wait for the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval to be something. If you write, you're a writer. Read more here...

5 Strategies To Avoid Dating Burnout

"I'm just not going to date for awhile," is a frequent refrain I hear from my clients. There's often a lack of enthusiasm and resolve in the delivery, signaling ambivalence. You're probably familiar with the idea of burnout with respect to repetitive, boring jobs, or highly stressful work situations. Fatigue and a lack of interest in your work are among the signs. Actually, you can burnout on almost anything, including dating.

These are the telltale signs of dating burnout and strategies to avoid it.

1. Lackluster interest in new dates. You must begin to ask yourself why you're pursuing someone at all if you can barely muster the enthusiasm to get ready. Or perhaps you've lowered the bar too much and your dates really aren't interesting.  It's time to focus on something else.

 Rekindle interest in something you've put on the back burner, so to speak. When dating takes over all of your spare time, you push away other interests that help keep you calm, sane and less stressed. De-stress by pursuing other interests. You'll probably find your lackluster interest is replaced with new energy from success with other challenges.

Read more here...

Positive Socializing Is Good For Your Health

An apple a day used to be enough to keep the doctor away. Or so we thought. We now know that a healthy diet and exercise are critical. We know we have to keep our weight down, and can't smoke or abuse alcohol in our quest for good health and longevity. Now we can also add spiritual activities like meditation to the wellness list. Meditation leads to improved emotional regulation, which leads to more positive social interactions, which leads to better health. Here's how it works.

Barbara Frederickson and her colleagues found a connection between a physiological measure of your vagus nerve activity and more positive emotions and social interactions. People with higher vagal tone, which has to do with heart regulation and the release of oxytocin, are happier and have more rewarding social interactions. After all, who wants to hang out with Debbie Downer? We're attracted to people who exude positivity and engage with us in upbeat ways.

Read more here...

North Carolina Laws Making It Harder To Get Divorced

I’ve been cited in this article, North Carolina Lawmakers Consider Making it Harder to Get Divorce.

It’s about North Carolina’s legislature attempting to increase the wait time for divorce from one to two years.

I said, “My clinical experience would fall strongly against longer waiting periods. I have many examples in my practice and among my friends, relatives and acquaintances, of people who have been hurt emotionally and financially by these waiting periods. For example…Read more here…

I'm Quoted On Mama's Boys

I'm quoted in the article, "Why Mama's Boys Are Bad News," by Rachel Kleinman.

"If you want a baby to take care of, then have a baby, don't marry one." —Judith Tutin

Read more here...

Are You Dying To Be Happy In The New Year?

One of the regrets of the dying is that they wish they'd allowed themselves to be happier, realizing, finally, that happiness is a choice. I hate to be morbid, but it's something to think about. Life is short. Here are a few things you might consider for more happiness in the New Year.

·         Establishing a goal of being happier makes a difference. It's that idea of choice mentioned by the dying. If you think, I can't be happy because [fill in the blank], you are not establishing a goal of happiness. Similarly, I will be happy when…, though it establishes the possibility of happiness, also implies that, I will not be happy until… You will be happier if you simply decide that happiness is important, possible and something you will work toward.

·         Do things you think you will be happy about. Need I point out the obvious? Do not do things you think you will be unhappy about. There are no guarantees here, since it's clear that often we don't know what will make us happy. Nevertheless, thoughtfully considering whether something is likely to make you feel happy because it fits with your values, interests and strengths, is a good start.

·         Savor things that are positive, even small things. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Playing with your kids. Making someone smile. When you allow things to go by too fast, you don't truly enjoy them. But it's more than slowing things down. The more you try to notice and savor positive things, the more positive things you notice.

·         Do what you love. Please don't say you can't. Maybe you don't get to do it 8 hours a day and maybe you don't get paid to do it. But don't let that stop you. Maybe you're tired of waiting for your big break. Writers often write after they finish their day jobs; think Kafka. Actors wait tables until they get their big break.  If you want to run a marathon, go for it. No regrets. No giving up.

·         Accept the things you cannot change. In fact, embrace them and figure out what you're going to do about them. It's not about changing them (remember, they can't be changed), but about changing how you deal with them. Crises are in this category, and they're opportunities for change and growth. Let them snort when you make lemonade out of lemons. It feels a whole lot better than drinking the lemons straight.

·         Choose experiences over things. We'll always have Paris, but those Jimmy Choos, no so much. Things don't last and, if they do, they'll be out of style. Paris is always fashionable. Even that dream house is not going to feel as dreamy as time passes. But the hiking trip you took with your best friend and the time you saw the Eiffel Tower as the sun set (yeah, I have a thing about Paris), these are things that stay with you, make you smile years later and can feel transcendent.

Ask yourself how you're doing in each of these areas to jumpstart your happiness journey. Then ask yourself to identify one small thing you can do to pump your happiness up a notch. It's a new year. The clock is ticking. Paris is waiting.
 

Feeling Good, Nina Simone

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

 

Top Tips Toward Wellness

It's the new year and time to focus on those resolutions. Read my newsletter about wellness for my top tips.

I'd also like to invite you to join my virtual wellness group. Contact me for more information, and to start your new year off moving in a positive direction.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading my blog!

The Olympics Remind Us About Lucky Charms And Other Power Objects

Olympic athletes wear lucky socks and bras, and keep four-leaf clover rings and lucky dinosaurs. These are just a few of the lucky charms, or power objects, I read about during the recent games. I'm sure we would find more if we had an opportunity to rifle through all the athletes' belongings.

You may not be getting ready to medal, but maybe you're about to go on a first date, give a speech, or interview for a job, and feel the need for a lucky charm yourself. There's nothing lucky about these charms, so I prefer the term power object. They work, but not in such mysterious ways. It's a three-step process.

Step one. When you use a power object, you first clarify your intention for your desired outcome. It's always easier to get what you want when your vision of it is clear. For example, you place mala beads (the power object) on your desk. Each time you notice the beads you will tell yourself, "be calm and breathe" (your intention), so you will be brilliant during your job interview (the outcome).

Step two. The second step is strengthening the links between the power object, intention, and outcome, through repetition. Every time you notice the power object you're reminded of your intention to stay calm and breathe. You take a few breaths each time. You're reinforcing the belief that you can control the situation and produce a positive outcome through your behavior. With each breath, that positive outcome starts to feel more likely. With each repetition, you start to feel more empowered.

Step three. The final step is using the object in the stressful situation. When you go into a stressful situation like a job interview, you may keep the beads in your pocket as a concrete reminder of your intention to stay calm and breathe. This intention has now become effortlessly attached to the power object. As a result, you feel calmer in the situation. Your desired outcome, a brilliant performance, is attainable.

Your power object can be a stone, a photo or any object that makes sense and feels right to you. You can have the object in a purse, have it pop up on your phone, or create another process that works for you. The repeated connection between the intention and the object gives you that extra sense of control over the outcome. You have created your own lucky charm that provides that Olympian power you need for a challenge.

10 Things You Really Don’t Want In A Happy Relationship

When you first meet, your partner is almost perfect. There's the breathlessness of passion and the constant surprise of new things you have in common. You totally know this is your soulmate, the person you've been looking for your whole life. As time passes you still love your soulmate, but you begin to wonder if you're "in love" with them. Even though they give you so many things you want, you begin questioning whether you can be happy in the relationship.

These are the things that could doom your once-happy relationship.

1. Persistent criticism. You get very little praise and, instead, a frequent litany of your shortcomings. You're talking too loud, not cooking it right, snoring, or putting on weight. When you try to point out the problem to your partner, you're told you can't accept feedback. If the list of your failings seems to have no end in sight, the end might be in sight.

2. Not enough time together. Dating was great at first; you went to parties, traveled, played tennis and spent a lot of time together. Now, you might have dinner together but most of your activities are separate. You feel like they're just not that into you. You encourage more togetherness, but when you're rebuffed you start to wonder why you're still there.

3. Feeling unsupported. The flip side of not enough time together is not enough time to pursue your own interests and goals. Your partner doesn't want you hanging with your friends, spending time on career advancement, or pursuing important personal goals. You ask for the space and time you need to flourish, but don't get the support.

4. Frequent feelings of anger or depression. When the relationship is suffering, externalizers tend to feel angry, internalizers feel depressed. Identify the triggers to these negative emotions and find out if addressing them with your partner helps your mood.  No one wants to be in a relationship that makes them furious or sucks the life out of them.

5. Being controlled.  Your partner makes unilateral decisions about things that affect you both. A tip-off here is when you're asked for your opinion (Where would you like to have dinner?) which is then summarily dismissed (I'm not in the mood for Italian).  Dinner aside, there are many important issues that beg for collaboration, not dictatorial edicts.

6. Disagreement about monogamy, sex and commitment. One wants to marry, the other, to cohabit. One wants an open relationship, the other, not so much. One wants to date other people, the other, definitely not. One wants to swing, the other is willing to try, but it's not really their thing. There's too much sex, or not enough. You must find common ground on these issues, or you're both going to be unhappy.

7. Lack of communication. Everyone talks when they're first dating. Or you're so infatuated you don't notice your partner's distance. It's painful to feel your partner doesn't want to share or isn't interested in what you think and feel. If discussion doesn't get you the level of communication you need, you're likely to feel invisible and marginalized.

8. Conflict about finances. Although differences relating to money are inevitable, in a good relationship you can compromise and live happily ever after. An inability to come to agreement on financial issues bodes poorly for the health of a relationship. You must find common ground because so many important decisions concern money.

9. Differences about drinking or drugs. After the honeymoon period is over, you notice your partner drinks too much or uses sleeping pills too regularly. How much is too much? That's entirely up to you. If your red flag goes up, pay attention. Talk it out and see if there's a way to make it work for both of you. What's uncomfortable for you now will not improve later.

10. Diminished trust. First you may notice exaggerations. Then there are small lies or omissions which grow bigger over time. Finally, you find yourself questioning everything your partner says. When you can't trust your partner to be honest and truthful, there's a crucial piece missing in your relationship.

If you're experiencing one of these problems, ask yourself, and your soulmate, if it's fixable. Happy relationships provide companionship, yet foster autonomy with respect to personal goals. They involve intimacy, sharing and positivity. There's passion, not necessary physical, and commitment, not necessarily marriage. Now ask whether your soulmate is really providing you with the elements of a happy relationship.

Reprinted from YourTango

6 Great Reasons You Finally Have An Empty Nest

It's official…my baby is gone to college. I dropped him off at a house he'll be sharing with several other students for a few weeks until the dorms open. Several hundred deep breaths later, vowing not to think about that house too much, or how far away it is, I think I'm good with my empty nest, and here's why.

It's where your child needs to be. It's time for them to spread their wings and fly. Solo. You've done the work of supporting them through the scrapes and bruises of life and love. Now they've got to figure out some things on their own, like how to get laundry done, food purchased, money managed, and perhaps what to do with their life.

It's where you need to be. You've spent 18 or so years raising them. Hopefully you've focused you yourself as well. But whether you've had enough you-time or not, this is your opportunity to devote more energy to your needs, goals and desires.

It's where your relationship needs to be. Don't have a relationship? No problem. It's time to work on getting one. Already in a relationship? It's time to focus on where that's going and where you'd like it to go.

It's time to consider the future. Your career, relationships and bucket list are open to inquiry. You're not spending as much time on kid-related activities. What would you like your life to look like in 5 years? 10 years? This is a great time to start planning ahead.

It's time to have margaritas with the girls. I'll admit it. This is one of the first things I did. And I did it on a school night. Kick back and relax in whatever form that takes. You don't have to worry about homework getting done, clothes being washed or bedtimes observed. It's all about you baby.

It's time to let go. Yes, you still have a tremendously important role as a parent. And yes, you really have to let go. In case you failed to realize that you probably didn't know where your child was at 10:00, now you must accept that you definitely do not know. And it's okay. You've taught the important lessons and values. Now it's time for you to trust your child to act on these independently.

You might want to get on this pretty quick. With all the kids returning home to live with their parents after college, my plan is to enjoy it while I can.

Fly Away, John Denver

Happiness is a Warm Run

July 4^th is a 10K tradition for me and I set out with 57,753 of my running buddies. The Peachtree Road Race in Atlanta is the biggest 10K in the world, and I got to run it. I know, I know; I can hear the groans. Running's not for everyone, but the excitement was palpable. There was some kind of transcendent experience going on. I felt happiness all around me. Allow me to explain.

It is a beautifully clear day with a cool 71 degrees in Atlanta. With the 85% humidity it does feel a bit warm. There are lots of people everywhere and at 7:30AM the first group takes off.  They really take off, finishing the 6.2 miles in a mere 27 minutes, 36 seconds. You don't need a calculator to get how fast that is. I am elevated by participating in an activity with this amazing group of athletes.

I get to my start wave and we're all like horses in their stalls before the race. We're shuffling, stretching, talking, listening to the announcer and itching to get going. But we're in an enormous pack. We can't move much. I get a little choked up which seems inexplicable at first. Then I realize it's about being in this huge group of people united in our quest to finish 6.2 miles in the heat on Independence Day.

The whole enterprise is not too serious though. There's music blasting on the sidewalks along the course, people are handing out free food, beer, Frisbees, headbands, and other goodies. Runners are in costumes and makeup and there's a lot of red, white and blue. It's my version of the dances, raves, religion and nature that John Haidt associates with self-transcendence. Ultimately, there's a feeling of being uplifted, along with fulfillment and happiness. At that moment life does have meaning.

I'm not saying you have to find your happiness and meaning in a run.  I am saying you have to find something that gives you that uplifted feeling.  Something transcendent. Something sacred.

Of course, Happinessis a Warm Gun, John Lennon

3 Recovery Skills You Need Post-Infidelity

After the infidelity is discovered, even the "injured" party has work to do. What?  I just got beaten to a bloody pulp emotionally, and I’m the one who has work to do? Yes, it’s hard to think about making changes while you’re off-balance from pain and shock. Whether married, never-married, separated or divorced, you’ve been traumatized and your whole sense of self is undermined. This is one of those proverbial growth opportunities. It’s a great time to work out a recovery plan. You’ll heal, regain your confidence and you may be even better than before.

People tend to think you either have these skills or you don’t. Nothing could be farther from the truth. With a little work, everyone can improve and develop them.

Self-care. Talking with friends, seeing funny movies, taking extra yoga classes, running more, or getting a massage are all self-care strategies. They help create the inner space you need to feel invigorated and renewed. Beware of anything or anyone that’s an energy vampire. Emphasize things that re-create your sense of balance. Rely on your support system.  Engage in healthy behaviors like eating right, sleeping enough and exercise.  Use the time to reflect, accept, heal and find your resilience.

Resilience. Find a balance between living in the past, present and future. Spend most of your time in the present. Trying to understand the past is useful, but don’t take up permanent residence there. Instead, focus on savoring the good things happening right now. Savor the times when you’re feeling almost like your old self. This will give you the energy you need to bounce back. Then you can focus on your future goals with more optimism.

Optimism. Listen to the dialogue in your head and make sure it accurately reflects reality, not the distorted thinking our inner critic spins after a loss. When pessimistic thoughts come up (I am unlovable), dispute them (Plenty of people love me). Embrace positive thinking (I will find another, healthier relationship). Identify the learning (OMG, I did ignore the warning signs). But don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Just make a correction (I will definitely pay more attention to those red flags in my next relationship). Minimize negative thinking and emphasize positive thinking.

Self-care, resilience and optimism are recovery skills you can always build on. They’re a great foundation for moving into the future because they facilitate healing, create a sense of balance, and increase energy and confidence. Now you can figure out what new goals you need to be working toward. Anything is possible with this solid set of skills. Once you fine-tune your recovery skills, you’re even better than you were before.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

Emotional Infidelity...The Signs

Beware of the dangerous crossroads.  Check out my article on emotional infidelity.