How To STOP Feeling Lazy, Guilty & Selfish For Taking Care Of Yourself

Women tell me all the time how they want to slow down and take time out from their busy lives to chill, but they can't.

They tell me there's way too much to do to keep things going in their world, and no one else to do it.

Besides, they tell me, taking time for myself is selfish.

They tell me doing stuff for the kids, partner, parents, grandparents, friends, dogs, cats, is more important than me-time.

When they do make time for exercise, yoga, painting or a class, they feel guilty. Isn't cooking and freezing meals for the next decade, helping kids with their homework and vacuuming dog hair for the umpteenth time this week more important than self-improvement?

When they sit and read, take a walk or meditate for 30 minutes they wonder if they're being lazy. What about the cabinets to be cleaned, the extra work they could be doing at their job or preparing the gourmet meal their partner would be thrilled with?

The oxygen-on-the-plane metaphor is something I often invoke. Everyone understands that if you can't breathe you can't help your 4-year-old breathe. Think of taking a little time for solitude as something to help you breathe.

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When It Rains, It Pours: The Ups And Downs Of Life

Summary: Accidents, death and Robin Williams can teach you to turn heartbreak into optimism and action. 

As a self-employed member of the sandwich generation, no matter what happens, I have to try to keep working. In the last five days, my son broke his foot, my mother sprained her ankle and I learned that a colleague, 10 years younger than I, was killed in a car accident. And Robin William died. Talk about a downpour.

My son is halfway across the country, almost 21, and said I didn't need to come. He has his teammates, trainers, coaches, gf and her parents. This being the first week of soccer pre-season, it's heartbreaking. I hope he will learn more about coping with adversity and grow stronger for this experience.

There's nothing to be done about my colleague who was also halfway across the country. It's heartbreaking but it reminds me that life is short and I must try even harder to use my time wisely. 

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3 Recovery Skills You Need Post-Infidelity

After the infidelity is discovered, even the "injured" party has work to do. What?  I just got beaten to a bloody pulp emotionally, and I’m the one who has work to do? Yes, it’s hard to think about making changes while you’re off-balance from pain and shock. Whether married, never-married, separated or divorced, you’ve been traumatized and your whole sense of self is undermined. This is one of those proverbial growth opportunities. It’s a great time to work out a recovery plan. You’ll heal, regain your confidence and you may be even better than before.

People tend to think you either have these skills or you don’t. Nothing could be farther from the truth. With a little work, everyone can improve and develop them.

Self-care. Talking with friends, seeing funny movies, taking extra yoga classes, running more, or getting a massage are all self-care strategies. They help create the inner space you need to feel invigorated and renewed. Beware of anything or anyone that’s an energy vampire. Emphasize things that re-create your sense of balance. Rely on your support system.  Engage in healthy behaviors like eating right, sleeping enough and exercise.  Use the time to reflect, accept, heal and find your resilience.

Resilience. Find a balance between living in the past, present and future. Spend most of your time in the present. Trying to understand the past is useful, but don’t take up permanent residence there. Instead, focus on savoring the good things happening right now. Savor the times when you’re feeling almost like your old self. This will give you the energy you need to bounce back. Then you can focus on your future goals with more optimism.

Optimism. Listen to the dialogue in your head and make sure it accurately reflects reality, not the distorted thinking our inner critic spins after a loss. When pessimistic thoughts come up (I am unlovable), dispute them (Plenty of people love me). Embrace positive thinking (I will find another, healthier relationship). Identify the learning (OMG, I did ignore the warning signs). But don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Just make a correction (I will definitely pay more attention to those red flags in my next relationship). Minimize negative thinking and emphasize positive thinking.

Self-care, resilience and optimism are recovery skills you can always build on. They’re a great foundation for moving into the future because they facilitate healing, create a sense of balance, and increase energy and confidence. Now you can figure out what new goals you need to be working toward. Anything is possible with this solid set of skills. Once you fine-tune your recovery skills, you’re even better than you were before.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

Zen and the Art of Cooking

The food will taste better when the cook is joyful. So says Edward Espe Brown, Zen Buddhist priest and chef, in How to Cook Your Life, a lovely documentary about zen and the art of cooking.

Espe Brown says:  When you’re cooking you’re not just cooking, you’re not just working on food, you’re also working on yourself, you’re working on other people.  It’s about doing things in a thoughtful and loving manner.  How would it be if you did everything in your life in a thoughtful and loving manner?

Espe Brown says:  Is food precious?  Is food worth caring about?  Are you precious?  Are you worth caring about?  It’s a bit of eating to live and a bit of living to eat, with a large cup of caring added to the mix.  How would it be if you considered yourself that precious?

Finally, he says: There’s the possibility of connection with life…Nourishing yourself and other people doesn’t finally come out of a package.  It comes out of your heart.  It’s about connecting with where your food comes from, and how it is prepared and shared lovingly with others.  How would it be if you nourished yourself and loved ones from your heart?

Consider cooking as working on yourself and others, as an important undertaking for precious people and as a heartfelt connection.  It’s something to joyfully contemplate.

Zen Buddhist chant

Meditative Psychology & The Art of Flourishing

Just out today is Dr. Jeffrey Rubin’s The Art of Flourishing: A New East-West Approach to Staying Sane and Finding Love in an Insane World.  Rubin uses his own brand of ”Meditative Psychology” to address challenges of modern life like information overload, demoralization and alienation.  The book proposes to help us “access hope.”  Rubin identifies twelve qualities that can help you flourish.  They’re not the usual positive psychology exhortations to increase PERMA.  Rubin talks about some of the lovely eastern concepts of expanding inner space, cultivating clarity and practicing self-care.

I’ve just had a quick peek and I’m really looking forward to settling down with it.  You may want to check it out.

Self-care not selfish

One of the things I notice in my clients is the way divorce allows people to settle into themselves. For years, you’ve been a “we,” a “husband” or “wife.” Now you’re just an “I,” a “father” or a “mother,” along with your other roles of child, aunt, teacher, etc. Divorce pushes the realization that we are actually alone in this thing called life.

So where am I going with this? This is supposed to be an upbeat blog, right? Positive psychology focus and all.

Well it is really awesome to be able to make choices that are specifically and totally for you. What I hear a lot from people is that they have to think first of others, then of themselves. After all, it’s selfish to think of yourself, right?

Wrong! You HAVE to think of yourself, because more than likely, no one else is going to have your best interests at the forefront. I’m not saying people don’t care about you. But let’s face it, no one cares about your well-being the way that you do.

The same people that worry about being too selfish are constantly surprised when others do not act selflessly. Look at the words we use to describe these behaviors: selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, entitled. They’re all negative.

So here’s the deal. Step one is to think about what you need. Step two is to consider how that might affect others you care about. Step three is to decide what makes sense for you given steps one and two. I think this probably makes sense in marriage as well as in divorce. Caring about and for the self. Let’s call it self-care, not selfish.