Six Steps To A Decluttered Home

Despite recent evidence suggesting that a cluttered desk leads to a creative (not cluttered) mind, I'm determined to declutter. It's difficult to be creative when you can't find your ideas buried in piles of articles, legal pads, and journals, or elsewhere on tiny scraps of paper and sticky notes. Not that you could tell by looking, but I prefer the aesthetic of a neat, organized workspace.

Maintaining a clean and organized space doesn't have to be a multiple-hour ordeal that ends with a sore body. The secret lies in creating a simplified routine that works best for you and avoids overwhelming you.

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How To Get Your Daily Dose Of Awe

On my travels one day, I saw a skunk. Not one dead by the side of the road. Not one scurrying in the dark. It was a medium sized guy ambling across a campus road just after dawn. There were no other cars or people, so I had the opportunity to stop and watch. It had a clean and shiny coat. It didn’t seem to have a care in the word, pausing to sniff, then moving on. Also sharing this space with me were some squirrels, deer and geese.

It's hard to describe what I felt. Wonder. Peace. Community. Part of a larger world that included all these other beings. It all adds up to awe.

Read more here...

What Makes A Marriage Work Long-Term?

In "25 Experts Explain What Choices Make A Marriage Actually Work Long-Term," you'll find suggestions for making your relationship be the best it can be. My recommendation is:

Always make new memories. Communicate, compromise and connect. 

Talking and listening lead to essential compromise on the changes that inevitably occur as the years go by. 

Connect by doing things together, creating new memories, and you keep things fresh!

Read more here...

 

Need Some Hope in the New Year?

Anne Lamott provides nuggets of hope for most of life’s most persistent worries.Almost Everything: Notes on Hope, by Anne Lamott, is a truly enjoyable read, or listen, which is how I experienced it. With her wry humor, wit and references to so many things that matter, it is fun and inspiring. Whether on dieting, sobriety, friendship or family, Lamott’s hopeful view shines through. There’s nothing Pollyannaish about her take on life—it comes across as sincere and authentic.

I may be prejudiced since she talks about issues I too have spoken of, but not nearly as eloquently or delightfully as she does.

A few examples so you can decide whether it’s worth the investment—or just borrow it from your local library:

1.  Chapter 4 is just one sentence which simply says:

Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.

You can see what I’ve had to say about self-care which includes unplugging here.

2. In Chapter 5, “Don't Let Them Get You to Hate. Them,” she relates wisdom from her pastor:

When my pastor calls the most difficult, annoying people in her life her grace-builders, I want to jump out the window. I am so not there yet, but I understand what she’s talking about. 

3. Chapter 6 is about writing and in one of my favs, she says:

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.

And so Karma goes.

4. Chapter 11 is all about food, dieting and the like. Of course I would love the anecdote in which she mentioned to her therapist she was going on a diet and the therapist says cheerfully:

Oh, that’s great honey, how much weight are you hoping to gain?

Lamott goes on to say:

No one talks to me that way. I got rid of her sorry ass. Well okay, maybe not then. It was10 years later.

Got to love a woman who can take the cold, hard truth from her shrink.

Happy New Year!

Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

The loss of a pet yields a unique type of grief.

Some people’s, post-divorce acquisition is a home, other’s a car, but since I got the house and did not need a new car, mine was a cat. It’s a rite of passage for the newly single, perhaps the first time they have made a major purchase solo. Or, as in my case, the first time in a long time.

The cat was not really a solo acquisition. It was my son and me. It was the first big thing we did together post-divorce that was just the two of us.

Eighteen and a half years ago we drove to a double-wide in a slightly more rural area than ours, too close to the city to be country, but too far and wild to be suburban. It felt like an adventure.

She was a beautiful, tiny kitten billed as Siamese, which the mother clearly was, the father clearly not. It was one of those situations where, you’ve come this far, can you walk away kittenless? Of course not. I did not point out that Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

she was obviously only half Siamese. Truth be told, I was a little afraid to question the sellers who didn’t look like they were too interested in bargaining.

Though this was to be a sweet, shared experience, half-way home she peed on my son and he asked if we could take her back. I said essentially that there was no way I was going back there and was quite sure we were not getting our money back.

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Coping with Anxiety is Not One Size Fits All

Whether your anxiety predates the pandemic or not, the solution is unique to you.

Photo by Tom Fisk from Pexels

During the pandemic I learned I am an ambivert. It was the A.Word.A.Day, word of the day one day and it fits. Neither introvert nor extravert, ambiverts, according Anu Garg, have qualities of both.

It brings to mind something I’ve been pondering during this pandemic—the notion that one size does not fit all, whether in clothing or people. Be it those one-size-fits-all running hats, how introverted you are, how you cope with your anxiety or how you grieve a loss, we are all different and we need and want different things.

My head is simply too small for those alleged one-size-fits-all hats. I am, as I mentioned, neither intro- nor extravert—it depends on the situation and my mood. I like to run to reduce anxiety, a passion not everyone can relate to for coping. I grieve quietly, privately, unobtrusively, and can still feel the pain years later as it if were yesterday, clearly not a mode of grieving that works for everyone.

Back to the pandemic, some of my clients and friends have been more anxious during the past year. Some previously quite anxious are, oddly, less anxious—the true introverts, I suspect. They do not mind working remotely, the absence of dinners out with friends or not having parties to attend.

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How Many Therapists Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

One—it takes one therapist to change a lightbulb. But it really has to want to change.

In these trying times, when we’re all trying to control anxiety and depression about the state of the world, learning to change how you react is a process. My yoga practice helps keep me grounded in how to learn, something we adults often lose sight of.

When you embark on a yoga practice like Ashtanga, you must have an intention to master the poses, breath and flow.

Fully committing to the practice is essential for progress. It’s not that it has to be done daily. It’s more that you practice on some type of regular basis with the goal of being all in.

Experimentation is required. Does it work better this way, or that way?

It’s not about comparing yourself to others. It’s about comparing yourself to yourself. Wow! I couldn’t do this when I started.

You don’t want to phone it in. Even if it’s a crappy day and you can’t do half of what you did just two days ago. You want to be present and mindful.

These principles of learning (intention to achieve mastery, commitment to regular practice, willingness to experiment, being fully present and mindful) relate to a lot of things in life. I think they relate directly to the process of change.

If you want to change your reactions to anxiety-provoking or depressing situations, you must follow these principles as you would to learn anything. And, of course, you really have to want to change.

 

Bring Your COVID-19 Coping Skills Forward Into The New Year

 

There’s considerable research in psychology to suggest that after a trauma we can come back stronger than before. We can become more resilient. Tragedy can trigger the development of new coping skills.

This is the case with the coronavirus pandemic.

Now is the time to notice any positive habits you've developed and decide to keep them moving into 2021. No one expects the virus to vanish on January 1^st, but we're edging closer, so deciding on your intentions post-virus can help you maintain those healthy routines.

Here are some examples:

People are exercising and getting outside more. A combination of not having much to do and wanting to get out of the house yielded a huge crop of new walkers, runners and cyclists. Like seesaw dieters, it could be a situation where once things return to their new normal, the newly fit ditch their new habits. This need not be the case. Once you have established the habit, you simply need to recognize that, as life changes, you may have to tweak the schedule or location. Remember, the habit change made you feel better. In the future, with no pandemic, it is still likely to make you feel better.

Read more here...

How To Keep Calm And Carry On Despite COVID-19 Concerns

One of the (many) atypical things about COVID-19, is that the people helping you cope are experiencing and coping with the same thing, at the same time. Whatever your profession, you’re probably also a parent, partner, adult child or friend, and, as we try to help others through this pandemic, we are also trying to help ourselves.

Even as we recognize that everyone has their own specific large and small crises, we can still have a great deal of understanding and empathy, by virtue of being in the same boat.

Whether you have to separate your child from their grandparents, be mindful of your, or someone else’s, compromised immune system, or console your high school grad who will be missing experiences they’ve anticipated for years, there’s still a lot of common ground.

There are some things we must all figure out in order to cope.

How do we manage (a lot of) unstructured time?

Due to a meeting cancelled at the eleventh hour, I had an entire day completely free.

Normally a dream for a busy person, it felt a little more like a nightmare because of the circumstances. It wasn’t like I decided to take a little staycation. It was last minute, so I didn’t have a plan. It was out of my control. Routine was lacking. Hence, it felt more like a worry than a wow.

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Why It’s Healthy To Feel Your Negative Emotions

We call it toxic positivity because sometimes experiencing negative emotions can be healthy. My take:

“'Toxic positivity"keeps you from embracing the discomfort of negative emotions. But consider that you must welcome the fear, pain, and anxiety of a challenge to run your first marathon, return to school after a hiatus, go on your first meditation retreat, or try your first post-break-up date. Allowing the negative feelings in opens you up to new, enriching experiences. Pursue something a little scary — this is the true road to happiness."

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3 Simple Hacks To Help You Lose Weight, Get Fit And Maintain A Healthy Lifestyle

Is your freezer filled with meals from that expensive diet you abandoned a year ago? Maybe you saw the perfect piece of exercise equipment in an infomercial, spent a small fortune, and now it languishes in your spare room. Perhaps it’s the fitness tracker that tells you what you no longer want to know about your sleep, diet and exercise.

Those items are wonderful if you use them as part of your bigger plan to get and stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.

It’s not the diet or equipment that gets you to your fitness goals, it’s the determination and intention to be in it for the long-haul. That, and a few simple things to keep in mind to avoid the fads and the flops:

1.      Beware of fads. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Consider the claims made about that Clear Quartz in your water bottle. Read more here...

8 Ways To Figure Out If Your Partner Is 'The One' Based On Marie Kondo's 'KonMari' Method

If you're a Marie Kondo fan, then you know her KonMari method for decluttering your life is amazing and starts with a simple question: "Does this spark joy?"

But the Marie Kondo method for how to declutter is amazing when applied to other areas of your life too, like love and relationships. Yes, there is a way to use KonMari to declutter your mind and reorganize your thoughts when it comes down to finding out if your partner is really "the one."

"Does it spark joy?" might also be the perfect relationship question. Can you look at your partner — the person you fell in love with — and answer yes when asking yourself, “Does he spark joy?” 

Read more here to see how her method can be used to explore your relationship.

7 Reasons Everyone Keeps Telling You To Meditate

I bet you know people who meditate. They’re often hawking the benefits of meditation, right?

 Annoying as it is, they’re correct. 

There is a wealth of research showing the benefits of meditation. These benefits include greater happiness, an improved sense of well-being, better emotional control, more compassion for, and better relationships with, others, less depression and anxiety, improved focus and even less inflammation in the body.

Though you may understand the benefits of meditation, when you imagine yourself in the perfect meditation space…you’re sitting on a cushion, the temperature is just right, there’s a slight scent of lavender in the air, it’s silent except for the tweet of a bird outside…you know you are never going to find that in this lifetime.

You’re busy, it’s noisy everyplace, and there may be a smell in the air, but it’s more likely to be car exhaust or pet effluvia, than lavender. When it comes to meditation, that’s okay!

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What To Do About The Agony Of ‘Adulting’ (At Any Age)

I’ve been hearing about “adulting” from many of my clients, as in, “I spent all morning at the bank, getting the car washed, and taking my mother’s emotional support animal to the vet…#adulting.”

When I saw the headline in my Sunday paper, “Learning to ‘Adult,” I realized “adulting” wasn’t just a passing linguistic hiccup. One of the local colleges is running a series of talks called “#Adulting.”

Some have complained about the term. They find it sexist, which hardly seems apt, since men use it too. They find it gross, but I find it ironically self-reflective. Like making blonde jokes when you’re blonde, it shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. 

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5 Ways The Narcissist In Your Life Turns Himself Into A Victim

When a man is a narcissist, he'll do anything to come out on top. Even if it means willingly playing the victim by using a defensive manipulation technique called "DARVO" — something Brett Kavanaugh recently did during his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon, coined this acronym to describe one typical "reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior."

"DARVO," she explains, "stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender," the pattern through which an abuser seamlessly shifts focus away from their own behavior to that of their accuser.

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10 Ways To More Effectively Harness The Inspiring Energy Of Your Favorite Self-Help Books

You’re psyched. You scoured the latest self-help books and found the perfect one for you, one with a title along the lines of Six Simple Steps to Your Perfect Body, complete with a companion diary outlining each of the six steps.

Or perhaps the title is more like Change Your Attitude, Change Your Relationships, partnered with an accompanying workbook.

Or perhaps your passion this week led you to a book like The Idiot's Guide to Finding the Perfect Job, with a pocket manual for creating a career that will bring you joy.

You’re like the 78% of people between the ages of 18-70 who "say they want to change a fundamental aspect of themselves", and so you're reading a chapter a day in your eagerness to progress toward your goals for personal growth.

The books are right there on your bedside table so you won't forget to visit them daily.

And yet, you’re not losing weight, your attitude hasn't changed, and you still have no idea how to find your dream job.

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This Personality Test Reveals If Being 'Nice' Is Your Greatest Strength Or Weakness In Relationships

If you're the kind of the person who's always being accused of being "too nice", a simple personality test can let you know whether or not what they're telling you is the truth. 

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

After all, we all know someone who's quick to forgive and who only responds with kindness when they're on the receiving end of bad behavior. When someone drops the ball, that person is there picking up the slack. When someone says something insensitive, they go above and beyond to be understanding of that person's intent.

Continue reading here...

7 Ways To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone (And Why You Must!)

When was the last time you stepped outside your comfort zone? What does that even mean?

We all have routines. You get up and do certain things, often in the same order. Whether you work from home or go to an office, have kids you have to feed and transport, or animals to walk and care for, there is probably a general plan and rhythm to your day.

I love my routines. I like eating the same things, going to the same places, talking to the same people, even running the same route.

That said, when was the last time you changed it up? Changing it up means getting outside your comfort zone.

It can be something small, like stopping at the coffee shop you pass daily and picking up a cup of joe. It might be slightly bigger, like saying hello and possibly prompting a conversation with someone you normally walk past without a smile. Or it could be something major, like quitting your job in a big firm to go it alone, starting to write your first novel or speaking up to decry an injustice.

Here’s why you need to get out of your comfort zone.

1.  Face your fear and see what you can accomplish. 

Read the full article here...

Why Being Perfect Won't Make You As Happy As You Think (And 6 Things That Actually Will)

I think of them, affectionately, as perfectionistas. Those people who begin a sentence with, “I know nothing’s perfect, but…” But what? There is no “but.” Nothing’s perfect.

Linked with suicide, addiction, anxiety, anorexia, depression, high blood pressure and early death, according to a recent study, perfectionism is on the rise.

Social media may be driving the upswing as we constantly compare ourselves with others. It’s no surprise that, with teens spending as much as 9 hours a day on social media, and the average daily worldwide social media use estimated at 135 minutes, we experience a desire for the perfect lifestyle, including all the perfect houses, jobs and people we see on-line.

Perfectionism, the relentless striving for flawlessness and excessively high performance, sets the high bar by which we consistently judge ourselves and find ourselves wanting. At the same time the perfectionist worries about how others evaluate them.

I’m anticipating your question, the same one my clients pose: “What’s wrong with trying to be as perfect as possible?”

Read more here...

Post-divorce Survival Guide

My book is mentioned in a "Best Relationships Books" article!

The book helps the reader manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce. I call on my personal experience and years of work with clients going through this devastating life event to demonstrate how you can emerge even better than before.

Check it out here!