Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

The loss of a pet yields a unique type of grief.

Some people’s, post-divorce acquisition is a home, other’s a car, but since I got the house and did not need a new car, mine was a cat. It’s a rite of passage for the newly single, perhaps the first time they have made a major purchase solo. Or, as in my case, the first time in a long time.

The cat was not really a solo acquisition. It was my son and me. It was the first big thing we did together post-divorce that was just the two of us.

Eighteen and a half years ago we drove to a double-wide in a slightly more rural area than ours, too close to the city to be country, but too far and wild to be suburban. It felt like an adventure.

She was a beautiful, tiny kitten billed as Siamese, which the mother clearly was, the father clearly not. It was one of those situations where, you’ve come this far, can you walk away kittenless? Of course not. I did not point out that Eulogy For My Post-Divorce Cat

she was obviously only half Siamese. Truth be told, I was a little afraid to question the sellers who didn’t look like they were too interested in bargaining.

Though this was to be a sweet, shared experience, half-way home she peed on my son and he asked if we could take her back. I said essentially that there was no way I was going back there and was quite sure we were not getting our money back.

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Feeling Bad? Just Work Through It

Running and songwriting share similar principles.  When it doesn’t feel good, you just work through it.  Ben Gibbard, Death Cab for Cuties.

I heard something similar the other night in my Yin yoga class.  In Yin, the poses are held longer.  This requires patience and persistence, occasionally in the face of some discomfort.

In each case, the persistence, working through, patience, whatever you want to name it, helps you get through.  The process helps you develop confidence in your ability to face life’s challenges, whether in your work, relationships or other activities.

This is a difficult lesson for some of us.  Like our vegetables when we were kids, hard work is good for us.

Consider what you’re doing in your life.  Your work.  Your family.  Your relationships.  Your hobbies.  Try to work through the discomfort that comes up and persist.  To help, you can try some of these:

*stop judging yourself (I’m not good enough, strong enough, special enough… to…)

*relax, take a breath and go on

*talk to yourself in an encouraging way (You can do it!)

*just keep at it a little while longer

*remind yourself how good it’s going to feel when you accomplish your goal

*break it down into smaller steps if needed

Sometimes things just don’t feel good.  When it’s something you really want, you just have to work through it.  It’ll be worth it.

Stay Young, Go Dancing, Death Cab for Cuties

Create Inner Space

One of Jeffrey Rubin’s suggestions for flourishing is creating more inner space.  He calls it “the capacity we all have to sit with and reflect on thoughts and feelings at our own pace.”  You can access inner space anywhere by doing a variety of things.  Meditation, yoga, reading, music writing and being in nature are some of the ways he identifies.  Anything that cultivates “clarity and equanimity” expands inner space.

The task for you is to consider what helps you think more clearly and what enables you to create more acceptance in your life. These are the things that help create more inner space.

In Poser, My Life in23 Yoga Poses, Claire Dederer says, about one type of yoga:

It’s a quality of inwardness, of contemplation…Try to feel from within, rather than judging and looking at what’s on the outside.

This sounds a lot like creating inner space.  Poser is also a great read.

I’m unable to locate any scholarly work addressing inner space.  That’s my euphemistic way of saying I don’t know if there’s any research to support this.  But it sounds a lot like, but not quite the same as, cultivating mindfulness, which does have a great deal of research support.

My suggestion:  think about how much time (or how little time) you spend in quiet reflection.  Ask yourself if you’d like to take steps to increase that time.  If that’s a yes, identify a couple of things you can do to expand your inner space.

My other suggestion:  Time, Pink Floyd.

Healthy Living and Plastic Surgery?

My local paper ran a “Healthy Living” section one recent Sunday.  I suspect it’s just another way to get advertising money.  One of the ads, for a “plastic surgery center,” which I suspect is just one physician trying to make himself sound like an institution, caught my eye.  It listed the top 8 reasons women (of course) seek plastic surgery.  In all fairness, I recently read that men are seeking plastic surgery with alarming frequency as well.  But the top 8 include, as you might expect, getting rid of wrinkles and “unwanted hair.”  Also in the list are increasing boobage and lip size.  Then there are the removals, of fat, bags and “extra skin.” 

You’re reading a section of the paper about healthy living, and you see ads for surgery right next to articles about yoga, sunscreen and household mold.  What’s wrong with this picture?

How about acceptance of who we are instead of focusing on our inadequacies?  If we’re not happy with who we are how about working on changing who we are inside, not outside? 

Mental note:  questions to ask self before signing up for plastic surgery:

1.  Is this going to make me a better person?

2.  Is this going to make me happy?

3.  If I gave the money I’m going to spend on this to someone in need, would that make me happier?

4.  If I spent this money on myself  in some other way (e.g., joining a gym, taking a class, taking a trip, hiring a coach!) would that make me happier?

5.  What do I really need to be happier?

On the very same day I read “Healthy Living,” I came across Tina Fey’s “Twelve Tenets of Looking Amazing Forever,” in her awesomely funny memoir, Bossypants.  Number twelve is touted as the most important one to remember:

If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty.  “Who cares?”

I rest my case.

For fun:  Vogue, Madonna

The Best Laid Plans

One thing I learned in this business is that things turn out other than you planned them to, no matter what it is. And you can't predict what's going to happen. Bill Danoff

That’s Bill Danoff talking about the song he co-wrote with Taffy Nivert, Take Me Home, Country Roads. They intended the song for Johnny Cash but John Denver happened upon it. Who knew.

Country roads
Take me home
To the place I belong

What I like about this tidbit is how it illustrates a truth: The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the future, no matter how well you think you planned things out. And sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

-That school you were planning to go to, but didn’t get into…you can go someplace else, which is where you belong.

-That person you thought you’d spend your life with…maybe it didn’t work out and you’ll find someone else, who is who you belong with.

-That job you knew had your name on it…someone else thought it was their dream job and you wind up with another, that’s right for you.

-The 2.3 kids you thought you’d birth the traditional way…maybe it doesn’t turn out that way, and you’ll have a family in a way you never expected (so to speak).

-The house, the car, the vacation, the retirement plan…maybe none turn out quite as planned, and you’ll have what you need, be where you’re supposed to be, and it will all be right for you.

The great part is that John Denver turned out to be the perfect person to sing that song. So don’t wish you could go back and change the mistakes, embrace the new ending. Figure out how to make it work for you.

Still thou art blessed compared with me
The present only toucheth thee
But ouch! I backward cast my eye
On prospects drear!

Robert Burns, To a mouse, on turning her up in her nest with the plough

Hear the NPR interview and see a video of John Denver singing Take Me Home, Country Roads.

Yoga and the 23 Steps to Contentment

I talk a lot about yoga as a great form of stress management. Of course yoga is more than just that. It’s more than just the physical stretching. Not to get to woo woo, it’s a way to bring the mind, body and spirit together on a quest for inner peace and tranquility, contentment, or something like that.

Claire Dederer did a great interview about her book, Poser: My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses. She points out that yoga helped her get away from her perfectionism. All yoga instructors teach you that you’re not competing with others in the room, or even with yourself. You are told to notice your body and feelings, not to change them and certainly not to fix them. Dederer notes that yoga helped her become more content with what she had, instead of looking for the path to something different, and presumably better.

I couldn’t agree more. Yoga helps with the acceptance and mindfulness that I find can be so useful for people who want to be more content and less stressed out. And it’s a good way to work on your breathing. Yet, as someone pointed out to me just today, it’s not for everyone. But what is?

Read the first highly amusing and entertaining chapter of Dederer’s book here.

The Show Must Go On

I'll admit it from the get go, I've always loved Julie Andrews. I found her, in Terry Gross' interview on Fresh Air today, completely captivating. You can listen at:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89377490

Ms. Andrews has a most amazing speaking voice. Admittedly, I'm a sucker for accents. But I can't imagine anyone listening to her and not hearing the beauty of the voice. There's also an incredible warmth in her interactions with the interviewer.

Truly remarkable is her attitude. You can hear her acceptance and optimism as she speaks about negotiating her difficult childhood ("no wallowing" were her words). Not a child of privilege by most standards, she still talks about her childhood as relatively happy and privileged in its own way.

Then there was her surgery in 2005. After a period of denial, Ms. Andrews accepted the hard truth; she could no longer sing. She recognizes she could have gotten up to "crawl away," but instead has kept busy acting, writing and speaking. She actually said she is "extremely grateful" for her life post-surgery.

If we could all aspire to that attitude, wouldn't it be loverly?

Her attitude reminds me of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Here the idea is to learn to accept our pain, not try to get rid of it. And we can live life in a meaningful way instead of living a a life in which our primary object is to identify with our pain. Check out Steven C. Hayes' Get Out of your Mind and Into Your life for more on ACT.