Are You Dying To Be Happy In The New Year?

One of the regrets of the dying is that they wish they'd allowed themselves to be happier, realizing, finally, that happiness is a choice. I hate to be morbid, but it's something to think about. Life is short. Here are a few things you might consider for more happiness in the New Year.

·         Establishing a goal of being happier makes a difference. It's that idea of choice mentioned by the dying. If you think, I can't be happy because [fill in the blank], you are not establishing a goal of happiness. Similarly, I will be happy when…, though it establishes the possibility of happiness, also implies that, I will not be happy until… You will be happier if you simply decide that happiness is important, possible and something you will work toward.

·         Do things you think you will be happy about. Need I point out the obvious? Do not do things you think you will be unhappy about. There are no guarantees here, since it's clear that often we don't know what will make us happy. Nevertheless, thoughtfully considering whether something is likely to make you feel happy because it fits with your values, interests and strengths, is a good start.

·         Savor things that are positive, even small things. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Playing with your kids. Making someone smile. When you allow things to go by too fast, you don't truly enjoy them. But it's more than slowing things down. The more you try to notice and savor positive things, the more positive things you notice.

·         Do what you love. Please don't say you can't. Maybe you don't get to do it 8 hours a day and maybe you don't get paid to do it. But don't let that stop you. Maybe you're tired of waiting for your big break. Writers often write after they finish their day jobs; think Kafka. Actors wait tables until they get their big break.  If you want to run a marathon, go for it. No regrets. No giving up.

·         Accept the things you cannot change. In fact, embrace them and figure out what you're going to do about them. It's not about changing them (remember, they can't be changed), but about changing how you deal with them. Crises are in this category, and they're opportunities for change and growth. Let them snort when you make lemonade out of lemons. It feels a whole lot better than drinking the lemons straight.

·         Choose experiences over things. We'll always have Paris, but those Jimmy Choos, no so much. Things don't last and, if they do, they'll be out of style. Paris is always fashionable. Even that dream house is not going to feel as dreamy as time passes. But the hiking trip you took with your best friend and the time you saw the Eiffel Tower as the sun set (yeah, I have a thing about Paris), these are things that stay with you, make you smile years later and can feel transcendent.

Ask yourself how you're doing in each of these areas to jumpstart your happiness journey. Then ask yourself to identify one small thing you can do to pump your happiness up a notch. It's a new year. The clock is ticking. Paris is waiting.
 

Feeling Good, Nina Simone

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

 

Stick to Your New Year’s Resolutions: Celebrate Success

Coaching is big on celebrating achievements. Got the big job? Celebrate. Finished the awesome project? Celebrate. Book published? Celebrate. I’ve clinked virtual glasses filled with virtual champagne in phone calls with clients to celebrate the results of all our hard work.

How about celebrating the small achievements, i.e., those baby steps toward fulfilling your new year’s resolutions. It can be just as big to get to the gym for the first time in 5 years, or to tell the waitress, no bread thank you, for the first time in your life, as it is to get the big project finished.

I think the magic of celebration is in the combination of positive reinforcement (rewarding our good behavior), savoring (a combination noticing and appreciating something we enjoy ) and the element of self-congratulation. We are celebrating our accomplishment internally with a “well done” and an internal high five to really highlight our success. We can do it with a coach or a friend, but we must also learn to do it alone in order to really integrate our excellent outcome with a strong feeling of accomplishment.

I think celebration is an important way to keep those new year’s resolutions going. You have to find a personal way of celebrating that pizza passed up, that run taken in the cold of the morning or that extra time you’ve been spending with your child noticing their efforts or good behavior.

Baby, celebrate good times, come on…Celebration, Kool & The Gang

Moving At a Snail's Pace

Happiness experts agree that we must slow down and smell the flowers. Taking more time for things allows us to savor, enjoy, calm ourselves and regain composure. All of this, in turn, allows us to be happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled.

I’ve worked on this myself for quite some time. The famous 59th Street Bridge Song phrase, slow down you move too fast, is one I use as a reminder and have mentioned before. I’ve been working on a running meditation practice. Although I’ve long been familiar with the walking meditation, this running meditation is new to me. I must admit the multitasking (running plus meditation) aspect of it is very appealing. It also means running without my iPod. It’s difficult at first, and later as well, but somewhere in the middle it seems like it might be working.

I returned home the other morning thinking, as I walked the last stretch, of all the things I had to do before zooming out to the office. As I turned up my driveway something caught my eye. A snail making its way slowly, very slowly, across the drive. Hmmmm. A bit odd. Then as I continued up, still in thinking/planning mode, I saw another. Now this really got my attention. I had to stop and take a closer look.

Having taken an appreciative inquiry class not too long ago, and now coupling it with a visioning class, I saw the snails as signs. No, I’m not getting all woo woo. Not cosmic signs that the universe is sending out to me. Just signs of something I’ve been working on myself. Signs to remind me to slow down and smell the roses, listen to the woodpecker and get ready that morning without doing every single thing on my to-do list for the day. Now I have the snail image as a reminder. And yup, I even took the time to get my camera and take a few pics, before moving on my more deliberate, measured way, to work.

Maladaptive Happiness

An oxymoron? A crazed psychologist’s rumination?

Not at all. It’s interesting to note that happiness experts have found that we adapt to exciting, fun new things. I use adapt here referring to the manner in which organisms adapt to their changing environments. According to happiness researcher Sonja Lyubormirsky, we do things to increase happiness, but then we adapt. The thrill wears off. Now I call that maladaptive. We’ve all experienced it:

That hot new guy you absolutely, positively had to have…now that you have him, he’s not all that anymore?

The dissertation you’ve given blood, sweat and tears to produce…by the time you get there it’s a bit ho hum and you’re wondering what next.

The promotion you’ve worked yourself to the brink of death to land, is it really all it was cracked up to be?

Lyubormirsky and colleague Ken Sheldon are now studying whether or not people can avoid that adaptation. They’re going to look at the effect of behaviors like savoring and introducing variety.

The Nine of Cups in Tarot refers to having one’s wish fulfilled or dreams come true. It’s likened to savoring a good meal, to contentment, to sensual pleasure. It’s the wish card. So instead of just taking the hot new guy for granted…well I don’t think I really have to get into the specifics of savoring and variety, do I?

I believe that the notion of celebrating achievements is a kind of savoring. Take the dissertation completion as an example. Instead of letting it drift by virtually unnoticed, celebrating is a way to enhance pleasure in the event. And not just for the few hours of the mad party you’re having, you have to keep it going for a while. I don’t mean the party, I mean the focus on the accomplishment. Maybe keeping a copy right near you in your office is a way to remind yourself of what you’ve achieved.

Variety keeps things interesting. Studying yoga is great fun and exciting to the newcomer. You have to try new poses to keep the fun in it. It’s the same with anything new, you have to find ways to make it interesting and fresh.

So let’s share a good glass of wine, or may a couple for the sake of variety, and savor the experience together.

See the Monitor on Psychology article about Lyubomirsky at

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2008/04/overthinking.html