Before Offering Advice To Adult Children Consider This One Question

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When I decided to marry at the ripe old age of 19, I did not seek my parents’ advice. They thought it was a terrible idea (spoiler alert: they were right) but they did not let on. Had they, I would not have listened. And I would have been angry. I knew what I was doing.

At a certain age, we all become experts. We have advice for friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and, of course, our adult children. Whether married, divorced, remarried or never-married, we believe we know what everyone else should do on these matters, and myriad others, from work, to end-of-life choices.

Do we have a crystal ball in which we can see the future? I think not. Do we believe we’re right? Yes, we do. Are we right? That’s open to debate. 

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How To Deal With Older Children's Bad Decisions (Without Pushing Them Away)

Slim, pretty, equipped with her Prada bag, my son's girlfriend was in my home for a grand total of twenty-four hours. Shortly before the day ended, she informed my son she did not feel "comfortable" in my house...

I was terrified by recent research suggesting mothers are more likely to be estranged from their children than fathers and that it is more common than you think. One in 10 families studied had an estranged child. Another study concluded that feeling like a parent is constantly about to reject you for your choices creates enough emotional turmoil to threaten the relationship.

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7 Rules For Managing Your In-Laws During The Holidays

Someone once said that the only family you get to pick is your dog. Often, our families are not people we would normally choose to hang out with. During the holidays, not only do we get to spend a lot of time with our families, as an added bonus, we get to spend more time with our in-laws. The dog thing generally holds for in-laws as well, but I have worked with clients who question whether to marry because of difficult in-laws-to-be. I say it's hard enough to find the person you want to spend your life with, don't let potential in-laws ruin it.  Here's how.

·         Rule #1. Don't expect it to be like your family. This is a good thing for lots of us, but not for some. Just because you do things a certain way in your family, don't expect the same from your in-laws. In some families gifts are huge, in others, barely noticeable. Some have turkey, some have ham. And really, was it so great in your family? Be open to differences and learn to go with the flow.

·         Rule #2. Tread carefully with your partner when it comes to their family. What seems to be clearly bizarre and psycho to you will not always seem so to your partner. Kissing grown adults on the lips comes to mind. Remember, when you grow up in a country where everyone eats live fish, it seems perfectly normal to you.

·         Rule#3. Notice the nature of communication among family members and consider matching it. I'm not saying you can't be yourself, but you might consider being it more like being at work than like holidays with your family. If you're in a room of stiffs, you don't want to come off as a hysterical, loud comic, even if that works for you most of the time. If the in-laws are outgoing and you're too much of a wallflower, they'll think you don't like them.

·         Rule #4. Affection and emotion are expressed, or not expressed, differently in families. What's happening in this family? You'll make people uncomfortable if you're asking about their feelings and touching people if that's not the family way. You'll also make people uncomfortable if you shrink from the big hug from Uncle Bob because that's not your family's way. Find a happy medium.

·         Rule#5. Your beloved will be different with their family. We all have a role in our family of origin (FOO). When you get together with people you only see once or twice a year, or less, you are expected to play that role. This is true despite the fact that you are now a grown-up and not a sniveling child or acting out adolescent. Chances are, you will see your beloved in that historical role. Don't knock it; it's probably the same in your FOO. Be kind.

·         Rule#6. Not everyone will love you all the time. Borrowing from Albert Ellis' wonderful irrational beliefs, you have to recognize that, unlike your FOO, your in-laws are not obligated to love you. In some families there's a clear norm for embracing the in-law like a blood relative, in others, not so much. Remember, your self-esteem is not on the line and neither is your relationship. And you're not going to love them all either.

·         Rule#7. Make it fun. Particularly if you know it's going to be difficult, I like to challenge people to tell me one or two ways to make it fun. Some examples to get you started: learn something new about someone; give someone the gift of listening to them; make someone laugh; or, set an intention to see the humor in everything.

Perhaps you've noticed that this is more about managing your reactions to your in-laws during the holidays than about managing them. That's because, unlike your dog, you can't manage your in-laws any more than you can manage your own family. What you can manage are your expectations for them and your reactions to them.  You can also manage your stress level by making sure you're engaging in stress management during the holidays. For the ultimate management, consider starting your own rituals as a new family.

First published at YourTango.