If you had no doubts before, surely
after the Manti Te'o fiasco
you are taking a hard look at your online
relationships. Let me say that I'm no online prude. I have clients I work
with who I've never met offline. I've had virtual assistants I've never even
spoken with on the phone. I've done online
dating and talked to high school boyfriends online. I've taken virtual
classes and have colleagues I've "met" in those classes who I've
never met in person. All of that is fine. I do try to recognize these
relationships for what they are, and accept their limitations. I'm suggesting
you try to do the same.
Let's do a little Q & A.
·
Q. Should I be concerned
that he doesn't want to meet me offline?
A. Yes! You should
absolutely be concerned if he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real
face-to-face says he definitely has something to hide. It could be the same
thing that explains why he's never available in the evening or on the weekend. Someone
who doesn't want to meet you is not a boyfriend, friend or any other type of
intimate. They're just someone you talk to online.
·
Q. Why am I always the
one initiating contact?
A. Great
question. Why are you always the one waiting for the magic "ping"
signaling contact from this person? You're waiting because you've stopped
living your life and you're living for a person you hardly know. I know, when
you contact him he's quick to respond and flirt. It's still a sign that he might
not be that into you. In fact, it's a sign that he's likely not that into
you. Set a timeframe during which the relationship has to progress. If it
doesn't, it's time to move on.
·
Q. Am I spending too much time with people online?
A. Maybe. Your
high school boyfriend who you haven't seen in 15 years is not your boyfriend.
Why are you spending hours chatting him up online? It didn't work out the first
time, right? You might consider what you are not doing that you would be doing
if you spent less time online. Like having
dinner with your friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real
person. Consider
adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as
on-line friends. You can also try a little technology
cleanse.
·
Q. How long do I go without a face-to-face?
A. I'm
talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online
contact and what are you missing out on? One
recent study concluded that
only real-life friends lead us to feel happier. Another study found that
you can have a lot of online friends, but you won't feel supported by them the
same way you do by your real-life friends. Online chats, texts and even phone calls
are for getting to know someone. Once that's done, it's time to move on and
meet up, or end it.
·
Q. Why can't I
find him on Goggle?
A. Not everyone
has a huge internet presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone
who graduates from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should
be listed on a licensing website. The absence of this type of confirmation ought
to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any
reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little
concrete validation that they're who they say they are. After all, people lie.
Ask yourself these questions and
answer them honestly. Then move away from any imaginary boyfriends you uncover
and keep it real.
This article was originally published at YourTango.
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