Take, for example, “I’m sorry I went out with the girls last
night.” This is a like a verbal
tic we have when we’re not at all sorry. You actually had a great time with
the girls, but you’re trying to make reparation for a less than welcome choice
you made. What you’re really thinking is, “Of
course you would be happier if I was home to make dinner and get the
kids ready for bed, but really, did it kill you?”
Sometimes we offer the reflexive apology after receiving a
complaint, like the one about the terrible night he had managing the kids
because you were out with the girls.
Sometimes we do it before even receiving said complaint,
anticipating that there might be a negative reaction to our behavior.
I have to say that my apology to the cat seems to fall in
this category. I realize she is upset with me for moving her, so I’m
instinctively apologizing. But am I sorry? Not really.
The reflexive apology restores balance in the relationship.
You believe someone is upset with you and you automatically act to restore
equilibrium.
Unsurprisingly, the maintenance of peace and harmony in
relationships often falls to the woman. Is this a role you want? You must be
the judge.
The assertive
apology
You might say, “I’m sorry I don’t feel like cooking
tonight.” It might be a reflexive apology. More likely, it’s your way of
asserting that you are not going to do something and/or that you want
something, i.e., “I’m not cooking so we need to go out or order in.”
Another case of the assertive apology is, “Sorry, but I
didn’t ask for the more expensive synthetic oil in my car,” i.e., “I didn’t ask
for this and I shouldn’t have to pay for it.”
In each case, think about the meaning when you omit the
“sorry.” You’re left with the same sentiment, but it’s slightly more caustic,
slightly less traditionally feminine.
With the assertive apology, much like the reflexive sorry,
you’re not really sorry at all. You want something, you think it will not be
popular and you soften it with the “sorry.” It’s another attempt to maintain
the relationship, even with the guy in the car repair shop.
It’s
been argued that women ought to be more direct, ask for what they want and
not let the desire to keep the peace confuse their message.
Are you better served with or without the apology?
The
blame-reversing apology
Consider: “I’m sorry if
it annoys you when I ask you to take out the trash.” What may be unsaid but
implied by your tone is, “You know it’s your job.” We can include the “I’m
sorry but…, “in this category as
well. Consider: “I’m sorry what I said upset you, but you know it’s true.”
According to Harriet
Lerner, the blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology at all.
A classic case, and I hate to have to say it, is Dustin
Hoffman’s “apology” to Anna Graham Hunter. “I feel terrible that anything I
might have done could have put her…” The use of “might” and “could,” are a
double-whammy on the apology front. Both smack of blame-reversing, i.e., “It’s
really not my fault that you took what I said the wrong way”
Again, you are not sorry, but unlike the reflexive apology
which strives to maintain peace and harmony, or the assertive apology by which
you are trying to get something, the blame-reversing apology is a
passive-aggressive attempt to shift blame to the receiver while seemingly being
apologetic. I agree with Lerner’s assessment because in addition to not
offering contrition, it also undermines the receiver’s experience.
Personally, I like to avoid this one and recommend you do
the same.
The genuine apology
By genuine I mean, first and foremost, that you’re really
feeling it. It must be honest. A fake apology will fall flat. It has to sound
honest, so your tone matters.
The genuine apology is something along the lines of these
heart-felt apologies:
“I’m sorry
what I said hurt your feelings. It was thoughtless. How can I make it up to
you?”
“I’m sorry
I didn’t do what I said I would do. I will try to do better next time. I hope
you will call me out if I mess up again.”
“I’m sorry
I can’t make our dinner date. I know it’s important to you. When would be
another good time for you?”
These, and other similar apologies reflect the fact that you
understand the other person isn’t happy with something you did or didn’t do,
and you’d like to make reparation.
Genuine apologies usually have the “I” word and do not
include any of the aforementioned ifs,
ands or buts. I don’t want to be the semantics police, but (see, there it
is) words matter.
Some argue that a true apology doesn’t require a step toward
reparation, but I do not agree. I think if you’re really feeling bad about
something, you want to make it up to the person. But, like an offer to take
someone out to dinner to make up for bad behavior, don’t force it if the person
declines your offer.
Flowers or gifts after misbehavior may be nice gestures, but
if it was a big transgression, don’t expect immediate forgiveness. In fact,
don’t expect forgiveness. That’s up to the other person. If your apology is
contingent on forgiveness, you’ve missed the point. Your apology is not
supposed to be about you.
When should we (or
shouldn’t we) apologize?
On one side, we have the camp that believes that women
apologize more than men because it’s expected and it’s actually in their best
interests to do so. This reflects the notion that when men are unapologetically
assertive, it’s fine, but when women are, it’s aggressive.
Being perceived as too aggressive might cost
you a promotion or your job, so you probably want to think twice, but it’s
a personal decision. You may (or may not) decide that sacrificing the value you
place on being assertive, in the service of being “nice,” isn’t something
you’re willing to do.
Another reason we may apologize more than men is because men
have a higher threshold for what constitutes a transgression.
Consider this example: My friend was walking in a local
greenspace. She was accosted by three dogs, off-lead, no owner in sight. One
was a pitbull. Their female owner was the first to appear and attempt,
unsuccessfully, to corral them. Then the male owner stepped in. All the while
the woman was apologizing profusely. The man uttered not one word of apology.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that most people, male or
female, would consider this a pretty big transgression and that guy a pretty
big a**hole. Apparently, that guy didn’t see it that way.
This is a perfect example of why I agree with Amanda
Hess. She concluded that, in some cases,
men ought to be a little more like women. We could use more people trying to
restore balance and equanimity in conversation and in life. As Lerner points out, you need
a lot of self-confidence to see your mistakes and offer a genuine apology.
The other camp believes that women should beware of
over-apologizing. When you apologize constantly you can get into a
boy-who-cried-wolf situation. Your habitual apology is eventually tuned out
because it’s super-annoying to have someone repeatedly apologizing for minor
offenses, or for transgressions you didn’t even notice. This is the person who
is apologizing for not being clear because you’re asked them a few questions,
or who’s sorry they didn’t call first each time you call them.
Over-apologizing can mean that when you really want to make
a sincere apology it may fall on deaf ears. It can also reflect a lack of
confidence, low self-esteem and maybe even disingenuousness. You must ask
yourself if this is how you want to show up in the world.
Listen to yourself and evaluate your own apology style. You
decide if it’s too much, not enough or just right.
I’m not sorry to say that when I accidentally step on my cat
in the dark, I’m going to keep apologizing. When it comes to the cat,
maintaining peace and harmony is up to me.
Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.
