Parenting Teens. Don’t Stay Inside the Lines

An authoritative parenting style is one in which you  frequently get your teen’s input, state your position clearly, and consistently set and adhere to rules.  It tends to have good outcomes for kids.  Compassionate communication involves observation of the other’s behavior and feelings, expression of feelings, identification of needs, and requests.  It is without judgment, demands or criticism.  If I take authoritative parenting and combine it with a little compassionate communication, here are a few conclusions I draw.

Listening.  I’ve previously suggested that we talk to our kids about everything, and listen to them about everything.  This listening part is one that often gets lost in translation.  That does not mean asking them questions and waiting until they respond before telling them what you think.  It means, asking questions and listening to responses, pondering where they’re coming from and trying to see how what-I-think and what-they-think can co-exist in the same house.  Talking and listening compassionately generates respect. 

Rules.  How about agreeing on the rules?  Each party may haves to compromise on the rules.  The parent has to focus on the big items (e.g., curfew, illegal behavior, grades) and let go of the little things (e.g., clothing, hair, tv shows).  The parent is responsible for enforcing the rules consistently and calmly.  The beauty of consequences is that you don’t have to get angry.  You just give the consequence.  Sometimes you can even be understanding and not enforce a rule but just discuss and forgive the transgression.

Media.  I hesitated before including tv as a small item.  And I almost included music.  Why?  You can’t keep you teen from watching banned media.  They have friends with tv don’t they?  Friends with iPods?  The best suggestion I can make here goes back to talking to your teen.   Find out why they’re attracted to content you find objectionable.   Talk about how you see it.  If you’ve established respect, your teen may actually take you opinion under consideration.

Micromanaging.   Trying to control everything is not necessary and it’s downright annoying, as we all know from personal experience with those trying to micromanage us.  It suggests to the teen that you don’t believe they’re capable of figuring out how to get their homework done, managing to keep the gas tank filled or selecting good friends.  If you have an opinion about one of these areas, or others, ask if your opinion would be of interest.  Then give it carefully.

Role Models.  Be a good role model and expose your teen to other good role models.  You can’t make another human being believe or feel something.  You probably can’t even make your teen do something they don’t want to do.  You can only provide a foundation from which, hopefully, they’ll make good choices.  But not always.  Mistakes, of course, provide the best learning.

They love to tell you stay inside the lines

But something’s better on the other side

No Such Thing, John Mayer

Compassionate Communication

A lot with people are talking about how to communicate better. In addition to substantive conversations, I like nonviolent communication as a model to strive for. It’s also referred to as compassionate communication, highlighting the empathetic nature of the process.

You can read more about it in Rosenberg’s book, but there are basically 4 steps that you can employ as needed, when communicating and when listening. Here are a couple of examples for communicating.

Step 1 – Observe without judgment or evaluation. For example, I see you looking away and wonder if you’re thinking, or bored, or something else. Instead of, Am I boring you?, a sarcastic jab.

Another example, I notice you missed your curfew since it’s 12:30 and your curfew is 12:00. Instead of, Why are you always late?

Step 2 – Separate feeling from thinking and express your feelings without criticizing or blaming. For example, I see you looking away and wonder if you’re bored and it worries me that I may not be interesting enough. Instead of, I’m feeling hurt because you don’t think it’s important to respond to me.

In the curfew example, I feel afraid that something may have happened to you when you’re not home by curfew. Instead of, Do you ever think about how worried I get when you’re late?

Step 3 – Connect what’s happening with some human need. For example, I need to feel valued and when you look away when I’m talking and don’t respond, I feel alienated. Here we must distinguish between human needs and how we are to get those needs met. In this statement, I’m just putting it out there.

When you’re out past midnight and don’t let me know where you are, I start to feel afraid that something’s wrong and I need to have peace in my life. I need to have peace, but it’s not necessarily up to you to meet that need. Bringing us to Step 4.

Step 4 – Request something to meet your need. For example, I’d like to hear what you think about this.  Can you tell me?

In the case of the missed curfew, I’d like to hear from you when you’re going to be late. Ask for what you want, not what you don’t want (i.e., I don’t want you to be late).

Bottom line, the other person doesn’t have to give us what we ask for. But asking is important. It helps us gain clarity and express our needs. Then we can decide how to handle things if we’re refused, or perhaps given an alternative. Often we may actually get what we’re asking for. Perhaps your companion is just pondering and can’t figure out how to articulate what they’re thinking. Maybe your child thinks it’s time for a later curfew and will now ask for one.

Listening works the same way. You friend may react to your request with anger or more silence. You can listen to their anger and reflect on it in the same compassionate way, e.g., I can hear from your tone that you’re feeling angry and I’d like you to tell me why. Regarding the curfew, From your explanation, I’m thinking you want a later curfew. You may or may not decide to give your child what they want.

I like the calm, clear communication that results. It takes a lot of work and practice to get there. I’m guessing on this last bit, since I still haven’t arrived.

Talk.  Coldplay.