Turn Your Loss Into a Win

I just read some great advice in Runnersworld about getting over a bad race experience.

1. Wallow (a bit)
2. Find a positive
3. Analyze it
4. Set new goals
5. Manage expectations

It’s not hard to see how you can apply these steps to many losse (in relationships, in work, in dieting).

Think of the last relationship you had that tanked. A lover, a friend, a colleague. Sure, you feel bad at first. Depending on the nature of the relationship, you might have to isolate for weeks, eat or starve (your pick), sleep all day or not at all, and so forth. Even if it’s not a terribly close relationship, you may still feel terribly bad about the ending. But the wallowing must end. You've go to take charge and move on.

Then it’s time to find the silver lining. What good is going to come of this? What did you learn? To trust your instincts in the next relationship, that you can’t mix work and pleasure, that even when you put in 110% you can’t make someone else be a better friend than they are?  Find something positive, no matter how big or small, that shows it was not all for naught.

Next, and this can be overdone so keep it simple, what can I do differently? Was I too needy? Too independent? Did I assume too much? Fail to communicate clearly? The idea being that next time, with a good analysis, you might behave differently.

Setting new goals can be fun. After the analysis, what would you like to strive for next time?  Maybe I just want to take on a small project next time, or my goals of losing 5 pounds a week was a wee bit high or I am absolutely not going to get intimate before the 5th date.

Now the expectation game is a rough one. If they’re not high enough, we don’t strive to be our best. Too high, and, well, you know… Consider your expectations going in. Were they too high? Too focused on the outcome and not enough on the performance? In other words, are you pleased with how well you did (the performance) vs pleased with how well it turned out (the outcome)? You might do a personal best (running time, job interview, date) but the outcome doesn’t necessarily work as you’d hope (didn’t win your age group, didn’t get the job, didn’t get a second date). Sometimes just finishing is a great performance. Or, as a client recently pointed out, my D is a whole lot better than the Fs that went before it.

If these steps don’t work and it’s dragging on too long, time for a coach!

Pump up music: The Distance, Cake

Divorced During the Holidays

At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinkin’ I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinkin’ how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along…

Okay. This basically sucks at the beginning. You haven’t figured out what to do when the holidays are not as before. Generally speaking, we don’t like change and this is a whopping one.
 
You have the kids, you don’t have the kids, you have the kids but not the ex who you miss, you have the kids but not your ex-sister-in-law who you loved like a sister. The list goes on and on. You cook but now there’s no one to appreciate it. He cooked and now the food is like a Cracker Barrel Thanksgiving, no offense intended for those who love said meal.
 
What to do?

Do what you do to de-stress. Run, yogacize, read a trashy novel, do crossword puzzles, listen to music (the up kind).

Create new rituals. Go out instead of cooking. Cook instead of going to the in-laws (now ex of course). Go away instead of staying home. Stay home instead of going away. You get the idea.

Look good. No look great! It helps.

Accept the new. Just try. There’s no turning back now. It is what it is. The papers are signed, the moves have taken place. This is your life. Make it a great one.

Remember why you made the choices you made. You decided to do it this way for good reasons. What were those reasons? OR, stuck with a change you didn’t want? Embrace it. It was probably meant to be anyway, wasn’t it?

And you can always try Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive.

Communicating with your Kid: Car Talk with Peter Pan

On my way to the office the other morning, the SUV beside me at the light caught my eye. They were probably dropping a kid at school and on the video screen was a Disney-like movie. I had to wonder, why do you need a movie during what is likely a short hop?

I don’t want to sound like one of those it wasn’t like this when we were kids and we survived emails, but seriously. Given how difficult it is to talk to kids of all ages, taking every opportunity to do so seems like a good idea to me. I don’t mean to sound smarmy and holier than thou. Perhaps these kind parents were starting out on a three hour ride with their four year old, but even so. When my kid was four and autovideo was not ubiquitous, we enjoyed that time for talking, observing, words games and the like.

One of the things I know I’ll miss when my now-teenager starts driving himself, is that captive time in the car. Although I don’t always have his undivided attention, I often have enough of it to allow for discussion of everything from girls to politics, an angry diatribe about teachers, a peek into the intrigues of his peers and loads of anecdotes about life in his world I’d never otherwise hear. Sometimes we talk about the music he’s listening to in the car. And, I’m not gonna lie, we entertain one another with stories about the people in the next car and those we pass on the street. It’s kind of like Mad Libs without the paper.

It really irks my son when he’s in the car with me and I’m on the phone. See, I think he likes that time as well, receiving my relatively undivided attention. Relatively. I do have to drive after all. Or watch him drive.

So I think this time is really useful. It may not be “quality time” in the typical sense, but it’s one-on-one time and it's good to grab every opportunity. After all, it’s not like Peter Pan; they do grow up, and fast.

No One's Perfect

You don’t get to wear a NY Yankee jersey by being a talented little league player. Sure, ability is essential. But you have to combine that with the passion. You’ve got to want it more badly than anything else and work harder to get it than seems humanly possible.



That said, you don’t get to wear a LA Angels jersey just by having some talent either. It’s the same drill. And what an amazing wealth of talent between the two teams.

So what happened last night? The Yanks stomped the Angels 4 to 1. But not because they’re more talented. Okay, maybe the jury is still out on that one. More importantly for those striving to be the best in their game, whatever it may be, what happened had to do with human error, pure and simple. How often do you see a shortstop and third baseman looking at one another as the ball drops between them? We saw the pitcher throw wildly to first, missing the out and allowing the runner to advance to second. A third error in a ball glancing off a star center fielder’s glove contributed further to the loss.

What can we make of this? These are world class players on two incredibly good teams.

We all make mistakes. There it is. So give yourself a break next time you don’t quite live up to the standards you’ve set for yourself.

But Derek Jeter…I’m not gonna lie, he was perfect. Have a listen to Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys to get in the mood for a Yankee series.

Breathing, Relaxation and Meditation

This is just a quick how-to-find guide to breathing, relaxation and meditation. These topics have been coming up a lot lately in my work and with friends.

Breathing, you ask? Yes. Absolutely all relaxation, meditation and yoga techniques rely on correct breathing. Okay, there’s no right or wrong to yoga and meditation, but abdominal or diaphragmatic breathing certainly helps the relaxation response. The particular approach doesn’t matter. It’s whatever works best for you. Try:

• abdominal breathing

• or yoga breathing

Then consider relaxation. It’s always good to practice a new relaxation exercise 2-3 times a day. Once learned you can use it when you need it, i.e., when you’re stressed out. Try these two videos:

• The Relaxation Response 

• Mini Relaxation Break 

I also like a couple of iTunes downloads:

• Mini-relaxation break
  
• 8 minute power meditation

An alternative to relaxation is meditation. It’s similar, but less structured and a little more woo woo. If you can be a little woo woo, try one of these free guided meditation apps:

• Insight Timer
• Headspace
• CALM

As always, the key is to find something that works for you. That is to say, something you feel good about, something you can find the time for and something you can stick with. Remember, no matter what is recommended, 5 minutes of breathing, relaxation or meditation is better than no minutes. You can’t find 5 minutes in your day…really.

Love Thy Neighbor. Try a Loving Kindness Meditation

Would you imagine that loving one’s neighbors can improve feelings of self-confidence and reduce depression and physical symptoms? The loving kindness meditation has been empirically studied and the results suggest just that.

How does this work, one might ask? It seems that simply sitting calmly, breathing abdominally and focusing inward has multiple benefits. The loving kindness meditation appears to augment these gains by also increasing positive emotion. Positive emotions, in turn, are linked to positive outcomes in life like success and good health. Generally, the meditation begins with extending the feeling of acceptance and good will to oneself. Gradually, the acceptance is extended outward to others one loves, likes, respects or simply knows, and even to those one dislikes. In this way, it’s also like a forgiveness (and self-forgiveness) practice. Oh, and it induces a loving attitude toward the self and others.

Try it yourself at BuddhaNet Audio or Beliefnet.
And Imagine (John Lennon).

Mindful Eating: Three Questions

In our obesogenic environment, mindful eating is a way to curb the impulse to overindulge. The basic idea is to slow down all behaviors related to eating, from your attitudes toward eating and choosing foods, to portion size and the mechanics of eating itself. Tuning into your body and the sensory experiences related to eating in an accepting and nonjudgmental manner are among your goals.

The three questions I really like are from a recent study using acceptance-based therapy (ABT) interventions to facilitate weight loss. In addition to mindfulness, ABT helps you tolerate distress by learning to accept thoughts and feelings without trying to change them, using values to choose behavioral directions and being open to your present experience in the here and now.

The three questions to ask before eating:

1. What is triggering me to eat this food right now?
2. What are my other options for food to eat or behavior in which I can engage?
3. Is eating this food the option I want to choose?

Your conversation with yourself might go something like this.

What’s triggering me? Am I bored, upset or feeling entitled to a special treat?

What are other options? If I’m bored maybe I need to get out and do something…upset, call a friend…entitled to a treat…take time for myself, a hot bath, massage, walk, those would be healthy treats.

Is this what I want to choose? There may be other options that are healthier, more consistent with my eating plan and will make me feel better later. What are those?

Also check out Susan Albers’ website for great info. And get more tips for eating the mindful meal from Brigham & Women’s Hospital.

As Albers says, eat, drink and be mindful. And before you indulge, ask the 3 questions.

To get in the questioning mood, I recommend Questions 67 and 68…Chicago