Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day-- Lessons From My Mother

It's been almost six months since my mother died and she is still everywhere. It's difficult to distill the wisdom of 91 years, but the rules of life I learned from her are my constant companions. This is just a sampling.

 
It Never Hurts To Match

Whether partnering a purse and shoes, blouse and skirt, or clothing and jewelry, avoiding clashing colors, patterns and styles is the key to looking smart and successful. Not referring specifically to partners in life here, she thought the same about those. You can't live successfully with someone with whom you clash on basic values and beliefs. Or clothing. 

Every Pot Has Its Cover

Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true. 

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day 

So, about those white shoes…there are so many rules of fashion. Read more here...

How to Give Good Feedback

How do you give good feedback?  By good feedback I don’t mean telling people positive things.  I mean how to tell people negative things, the hard truths, in a good way.  It’s a kinder, gentler tiger mom approach.

Your kid does poorly on an exam, your friend blows a job interview, your spouse doesn’t reach their weight loss goal for the week, etc.  How to respond?

It’s not your job to soften the blow.   Telling someone they did as well as they could gives the message that their best isn’t good enough.  It also frees them from feeling bad.  Feeling badly because you did poorly is motivating.  You get the message that you’re not doing as well as you need to do.  That makes people try harder.

Focus on the change that needs to be made.  If they understand why they failed, they can look at other actions to take in the future.  The idea that you can make changes and do better is motivating and increases confidence.

Focus on controllables.   The focus is on what they did, not what they are.  Focus on effort, not ability.  Focus on new strategies, planning and persistence, i.e., on grit.  It’s not that they’re not good enough, it that they didn’t do something they needed to do, and that thing is under their control.

Be honest.  People can tell when you’re not being honest and it undermines any feedback you give now or in the future.

Good feedback might include some of the following ideas.  Maybe you studied but you didn’t study the right way; next time you may want to try focusing on writing notes, memorizing more, or starting sooner.  Perhaps you need to use a different strategy in the next interview; next time you may want to be more enthusiastic, have a better explanation for your interest in the position or be better prepared with your job history.  It’s great that you’ve been careful with your carbs, but maybe you need to be getting to the gym an extra day or two.

Good advice for others, and good advice for ourselves.  See how well you can tell the hard truth the next time you need to give feedback.  And maybe you need a little more honesty with yourself.

For fun: Don’t ask me no questions. Lynyrd Skynyrd

Inspiration for a Boomer Birthday

Several days before my birthday I heard about a 61 year old about to swim from Cuba to Miami.  Diana Nyad isn’t just anybody.  She’s one of my public radio “friends.” After 30 years of retirement from competitive swimming, she decided to try it again (she’d tried it before in 1978).  Talk about grit, optimism and high performance.  It’s a great story.

When my birthday came and I was about to go on my morning run, I decided to make it count.  Instead of the usual pre-work 4 miles right from my house through the neighborhood, I was inspired by Diana’s story.  I went to my favorite running place and ran the 5 I really felt like running.  I was rewarded with a white heron, some deer and a fawn, the wind on my face and a feeling of freedom.  I got to that sweet spot of running where your legs, arm and breath are all in perfect synchrony.  I was grateful that at my age I can still do an easy 5 miles in a beautiful, serene setting and that I was able to take the time to make it a little more special that day.

There are so many small ways to make life a little sweeter.  You don’t have to swim 104 miles.  How can you turn something routine into something just a little more special?  Be inspired.

From Diana’s story, AHorse With No Name, America

Ultragrit

I'm still taken with the idea of grit and what keeps the tough going. Have you read about these three guys who ran, yeah, ran across the Sahara. Yeah, the desert. See an article about one of them, Charlie Engle, former drug addict, now ultramarathoner:

http://tinyurl.com/2nwrnk

How about the 70 or 80 year olds who regularly run the 26 plus mile kind of marathons?

It seems incredible that some people are able to do the most remarkable things by sheer force of will. After all, it doesn't take much intellect to run a marathon. I'm not sure there's even an innate ability required.

But the passion, that can't be learned. You have to love it. At the risk of repeating myself, I'd really like most of my friends and people I work with to think more seriously about the passion thing.

There are plenty of reasons to try to do things you're passionate about. You're more likely to get into a state of flow if you're doing something you love and are good at. You're more likely to be good at something you love. Or is it you're more likely to love something you're good at. Does it matter?

It's never boring when you have passion. You can be persistent and diligent, or gritty, when there's a true connection to what you're doing.

Too many of us do things because we "should," we'll make more money, it's easy, and the like. I'm not saying work has to be hard, but there's a certain satisfaction you feel about a difficult job well done that's a bit thrilling. Not like a rollercoaster thrilling, but warmly, satisfyingly ultrathrilling.

You don't have to run an ultramarathon to feel that thrill. Dig deep and find your passion, and get gritty.


See some ultragrit in Rescue Dawn or The Great Escape.

Go for the Grit

Positive psychologists search for variables that predict success. There are raw talent and ability, presumably immutable trait-like variables. But they fail to predict how some of us are able to turn lemons into lemonade, while others aren’t.

Grit, the combination of persistence and passion, seems to be something worth cultivating if you strive for success and greatness. Although the study of grit is still in its infancy, several possibilities have been offered as to how to facilitate its development in children. With a little tweaking, these suggestions are easily translated for adults.

Find your passion. Exposure to different experiences and possibilities can spark interest in one special area that may become your passion.

Forget balance. In today’s world, most of us strive to achieve balance among things like work, parenting, socializing and fitness, among other things. People who are high achievers and make brilliant contributions tend to be focused in one area.

Accept criticism. Trying to be less defensive and accept input from others may help you broaden your perspective. This might provide just the little nudge you need to get into something new and exciting.

Emulate successful models. Notice how others you admire have been able to accomplish things.

Challenge yourself. Identify what you want. Go for it.

Learn from failure. Although we tend to want to curl up and pull the covers up over our heads when things go wrong, don’t! Find a few things that help pull you up, and then analyze what went wrong.

Find your optimism. Think about the silver lining and success in the future. Set your goals high. Don’t dwell on the possibilities for failure. Don’t sell yourself short.

So it's a pretty long list. You don't have to do EVERYTHING. Just try a few things. Persevere. Stick to it. Go for the grit.