Top 100 Life Coach Blogs

I'm delighted my blog has been selected as one of the "Top 100 Life Coach Blogs." The fact that I'm #100 does not decrease my enthusiasm in the least. Top life coach blogs on the web, on the planet; it doesn't get much better than that! 

7 Self-Help Tips From My Yoga Practice

I'm never quite sure if yoga imitates life, or vice versa. I am sure the lessons I learn from my yoga practice are the same lessons my clients and friends often struggle with.

Certainly, yoga reduces anxiety and improves mood, but the practice is compelling for its subtle teachings. Whether it's recovering from the breakup, improving your health and wellness, or trying to balance work, family and life, applying these principles will help you grow.

1.      No one is perfect. In yoga, the pose that was so accessible yesterday may feel impossible today. Our bodies are different each day. So are our minds. While yesterday you worked, got the kid to soccer, got your steps in, made dinner and it all felt seamless, tomorrow is a different animal. One hiccup can throw everything off. The angry boss, the veggies you thought you had ready for that healthy meal, or the back pain you woke up with, each can undermine our best laid plans. No one can do it all, all the time. Stop beating yourself up and just order the pizza.         

2.      How you do one thing is how you do everything. My elbows are almost always sticking out, when they should be drawn in. No matter what the pose, this is an adjustment I can almost always make. If I'm honest, I can almost always be kinder, gentler and more present. What do you need to work on each and every day? It probably comes up at work and at home, with strangers and with friends. Start by noticing it.

3.      Practice makes perfect. Did I say perfect? Practice does not make us perfect, but it does make us better. I don't despair about my elbows. Slowly but surely, when I practice with an intention to keep them drawn in, I find it's happening with increasing frequency. If I begin my day with an intention to be that kinder, gentler, more present soul I aspire to be, slowly but surely, I come closer to that goal. Set your intention for the day and work on it.

4.      It's the journey. Some days I find myself ticking through the upcoming poses to see how many more I have until my practice is finished. Have I reached the halfway point? Of course, that's not the point! This is challenging because some days the practice seems so much easier than others, making the journey a lot easier. Counting the days until your child's departure for college or a job far away, you'll find that some days are a lot easier than others. Whether easy or difficult, it's your journey, and your only journey. How can you make the most of each day?

5.      Go with the flow. Some days I'm focused on improving my poses, other days on my breathing, still other days I'm moving effortlessly, feeling the flow. I don't decide in advance. It's just what feels right at that particular time. Recovering from something like a breakup, you might try just doing what you feel. Some days are more productive in one way, some days in another. You might spend a day on your garden, or another with friends. Do what you feel that day. Trust your intuition.

6.      Challenges are a gift. Whether it's a thunderstorm, car backfiring or cat trying to topple me as I practice, each is an opportunity to work on focus and concentration. Distraction gives me the chance to work on heightened control and awareness. You've planned a workout and it's hot, you're tired and you ate too much last night. It's time to focus on your plan and work your way through it the best way you can. Recognizing that you can do more than you thought, or that you really don't want to keep overeating, would each be a good result of facing your challenge.

7.      We're all in the same boat. Sometimes my teacher says plant your left heel or bring your shoulders down--I do it and realize she's actually talking to another student. These little fixes apply to all of us. Some days I'm telling everyone (including myself) the same thing, whether it's to concentrate on keeping your side of the street clean, or to look at the silver lining, or to just experience the bad feeling and allow it to pass. Groups of people with similar issues are powerful because we like to know we're not suffering alone. Remind yourself that you're not the only one. Others have been down this road before and have thrived.

So whatever your struggle, view it as a practice. Each challenge in life is something you face, work through and try to understand. Over time you improve in some ways and find yourself lacking in others. Maybe you worry less and enjoy more. Like yoga, there is no finish line. There's always room to grow.

 Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.

Keeping The Bromance Alive. Yes, You Can!

Now that Obama and Biden have left the building, is the bromance over? We'll have to wait and see. But why not use this as an opportunity to evaluate your relationships with your bruhs.

Why bother? Because research shows that relationships are among the most important factors contributing to happiness and longevity. Loneliness is unhealthy and breeds stress. 

According to Geoffrey Greif, psychologist and author of a book about men's friendships, both men and women expect friends to be understanding, trustworthy, dependable individuals with whom we have things in common. We also expect our friends to be available for activities, to reach out to us and to stay in touch.

I'm sorry to say that men are often not so good with reaching out and staying in touch, behaviors that nurture relationships. When you're young, it doesn't take much. You go to games, work on projects or party together. As those activities disappear, generally after college, you have to find new reasons to get together. 

Continue reading...

 

4 Marriage-Material Qualities To ALWAYS Look For (And 4 To Ignore)

As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners for relationships that are likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things to look for in a guy, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, and many more.

You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment.

Read more here...

How To Find A Soulmate (Hint: It Has Nothing To Do With Luck!)

One of my pet peeves is people telling me they're just "unlucky," as an explanation for why they don't have a great job, don't live in an exciting city, or aren't in a fulfilling relationship. Really?

Even in poker, while there's luck involved, there's also skill and the work of honing that skill. When it comes to being discovered as an actor, or getting that coveted job at an amazing law firm, there's always the luck of being in the right place at the right time, but you're not getting the job without skill and hard work as well.

So when I read Jesse Singal's piece, chiding Americans for ignoring the role of luck when it comes to prosperity and success, I was a little perturbed. I get his point and I don't disagree. But, as he notes, it's not ONLY luck that gets us where we want to go.

Read more here...

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day and other Lessons From My Mom

It's been almost six months since my mother died and she is still everywhere. It's difficult to distill the wisdom of 91 years, but the rules of life I learned from her are my constant companions. This is just a sampling.

It Never Hurts To Match

Whether partnering a purse and shoes, blouse and skirt, or clothing and jewelry, avoiding clashing colors, patterns and styles is the key to looking smart and successful. Not referring specifically to partners in life here, she thought the same about those. You can't live successfully with someone with whom you clash on basic values and beliefs. Or clothing.

Every Pot Has Its Cover

Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true.

Every Pot Has Its Cover

Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true.

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day

So, about those white shoes…there are so many rules of fashion. In addition to matching and seasonal requirements, there are outfits and accessories one wears or carries for certain occasions, like clutches and pearls for weddings. Used clothing, even "lightly worn," appalled her. I believe her rules for attire were also metaphorical; if you do the right thing you'll never be sorry. It's the Jewish mother version of taking the high road. She was so right about that.

Turn The Other Cheek

When someone hurts you, don’t hurt them back, just walk away. When someone hurts you, unless they're a complete idiot and don't know it, her philosophy was, just move on. She knew that one need not state the obvious. Like the time she overheard me tell a friend I hated her because of my early curfew. She mentioned it only years later when we could have a good laugh about it. Sorry again, mom.

Practice Makes Perfect

Practicing the piano an hour a day was required, even as a six year old. Perhaps my memory exaggerates the duration, but certainly as I got older I was required to practice that much or more, much to my brother's dismay (he had to listen). My mother didn't expect perfection, but she did expect my best effort and persistence. We didn't call it grit back then, but she certainly taught me to have it. It's come in very handy.

You're Never Lonely With The Arts

My mother did not graduate from college, but I grew up surrounded by the arts. They were the loves of her life and they're loves of mine. On a rainy day with no place to go, how can one survive without music and a good book or movie? Where better to begin a visit in a new city but a museum? The arts are constant companions, always providing opportunities for creativity, learning and connection.

Eat Your Veggies With Every Meal

At every dinner there was a vegetable and salad. The veggies weren't terribly exotic, no Brussels sprouts or cauliflower. This was not a choice and no conflicts ensued. It was part of life. It was also a lesson in parenting. As a parent, when you present things matter-of-factly, you tend to get a lot more compliance. I learned to eat vegetables regularly, which has served me well. With no conscious intention, I practice the matter-of-factness in my own parenting, and honor the need for veggies.

Believe In Your Children

Not big on self-help books, I'm not quite sure how my mother acquired her parenting skills, though probably from her mother, whom she adored. I doubt that my mother would have ever said, "You should believe in your children," but the message was there. No matter what harebrained scheme (as my father would say) I came up with, and there were many, she accepted my choices. She might ask a few questions, after which she would support me unequivocally. I wouldn't be where I am today without her belief that I could do anything.

Grandparents Are Not Like Parents

My mother did things with my son she'd never done with me. Incredibly artistic and creative, she spent hours making things with him. Because she worked, she didn't have as much time for that with me. Whenever possible, she gave him anything he wanted. As he got older she'd slip him money, first for snacks, later for gas. Just the other day my son mentioned how she was, "the great spoiler." Inquiring into what he was up to, she listened, giving his activities the weight they deserved, in a way parents often don't. She taught us how the generations work together and how each has something important to give.

What Women Can Do

Although she would not have called herself a feminist, my mother showed me what women can do. Women work. Women have important relationships with other women. Women take trips with their friends, without their husbands, even to Europe. Women put family first. Women live apart from their husbands when the situation calls for it. Women have their own ideas. Women are sexy, smart, witty and creative. She taught me that women can do everything and are freakin' awesome. She did not use that word, or the other "f" word, except under extremely rare circumstances, one lesson I never mastered.

She's with me when I read a great book, play the piano, see the lurking photograph in a view and decide what I'm wearing in the morning. My mother is ever-present, not in a bad, sad way, but in an empowering, comforting way, though I miss her terribly. I (mostly) follow her rules with the hope that I can be half the woman and parent she was.

4 Ways Your Thinking Can REDUCE Your Anxiety

We all have an internal dialogue. There's the good guy on one shoulder that says you're great, and the bad guy on the other that says you're an idiot. When the bad guy drowns out the good guy, anxiety results. The bad guy offers a lot of self-criticism, like, people will think I'm stupid, awkward, selfish, or, you fill in the blank.

Instead of allowing the negativity to drown out positive self-statements, cognitive strategies for anxiety reduction help us reframe, dispute or otherwise convert self-criticism into positive or neutral self-statements. It works like this:

1.  Notice what you're thinking. This is always the first step. Sometimes you realize you're feeling anxious and you haven't even been aware that your thinking is triggering that anxiety with self-doubt. Just noticing that you're thinking something (for example, When the boss said I looked tired I said I had a late night instead of telling him I was just deep in thought, now he's going to think I'm..) may help you realize that it's no big deal.

2. Consider the alternative. Let's say you notice the thought and it still seems problematic. Maybe the boss is going to think you're blowing off your work by staying out too late, but what's another possibility? Perhaps everyone comes in tired some days and she was just expressing concern. Given your strong work record, why would she doubt you?

3.  Problem-solve. Sometimes anxiety really does have a purpose. That purpose is not to ruin your day but to alert you to something you need to change, address or otherwise deal with. So let's say you fear your boss might think you're blowing off work because you often stay out late, come in tired and aren't as productive as you could be. That's a problem that can be solved. You know what you need to do and worrying about what the boss thinks isn't it. You need to get more rest, come in energized and get it done.

4. Let go of worry. Most worries are about things that could actually happen. Your kid might get into a car accident, you might have cancer or you might become destitute. These things could conceivably happen. But are they likely? Probably not so much. This type of worry, the "what if" kind, doesn't lead to problem-solving. These are the worries you need to learn to let go. It's helpful to name the thought as a worry, note that it's not likely and remind yourself that thinking further about it is not useful. Distracting yourself from the thought by moving on to an activity that will mentally engage you is one way to let go. Acknowledging that a thought is not a fact, it's just a thought, is another step toward letting go.

These are steps to take to start working with your negative thinking, and flipping it, so your good guy drowns out your bad guy. Coupling this strategy with reducing your physical anxiety by practicing relaxation or meditation and exercise, in any combination, getting enough sleep and eating a healthy diet is a great start to living anxiety-free.

To learn more about cognitive behavioral approaches to anxiety and depression:
 

Read: Mind Over Mood, by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky

Watch: The Noise in Your Head

Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com to arrange psychotherapy to reduce the anxiety in your life (Georgia Residents only please).