Best Friends for Life

What’s the first thing you let go of when you’re busy and stressed out? Be honest. Many of us would say “me time,” which includes things like hobbies, exercise, taking time to eat right and sleep enough, and spending time with friends.

While all of these things and more contribute to good stress management, for women, girlfriend time is huge. Perhaps because of that interesting hormone oxytocin, not to mention estrogen, relationships with friends have been shown to lower blood pressure, heartrate and cholesterol. Friends helped one group of subjects manage the loss of a spouse, increased joy in another study and even reduced the risk of death in yet another study.

The benefit of social support is a highly robust finding in positive psychology. So it’s not just for women that friends are important. Unfortunately, as we juggle responsibilities, friends are quick to take a backseat in our lives.

So in an effort to increase friend time, consider:
· if you don’t have time for lunch or dinner, can you meet for a quick coffee
· combining a shopping trip with friend-time
· engaging in the dreaded multitasking by calling a friend while performing some mundane household task (like folding laundry, but not while driving please)
· working out with a friend (with the added benefit of boosting your compliance by buddying-up)
· using those frequent flyer miles to visit a friend

There are lots of other ideas you might come up with if you take a few minutes to think about it. And it's important, because best friends really are for life, for a long, happy and healthy life.

Winter, spring, summer or fall, all you have to do is call. Carole King

Positive Affirmation: Accentuate the Positive

Imagine you’re about to go to an anxiety-provoking social event (a party, a fundraiser, an intimate dinner or whatever makes you nervous). Is there a difference between telling yourself, beforehand, don’t say something stupid, or telling yourself, be brilliant? You betcha.

In efforts to improve organizational and athletic functioning, and more recently other aspects of achievement on an individual and even global scale, researchers have examined the nature of positive thinking and affirmations. Especially when learning something new, positive self-monitors (those who notice what they’re doing right and try to repeat it) are more successful than negative self-monitors (those who try to avoid doing something wrong).

Can you view your own behavior through this kind of an appreciative lens, affirming the good? Consider potentially difficult situations like public speaking, competitive events, meeting new people, learning something new. Approach them with an eye toward what your strengths are, what you want to do and what you hope to do. Avoid focusing on your weaknesses, what you don’t want to do and what terrible thing might happen.

I know it’s corny, but we could probably all benefit from Mercer and Arlen’s advice, and start reviewin’ the attitude of doin’ right.

More corn: Hear Bing sing here.

Are you Flourishing?

What comes to mind when you think “mental illness?” For most of us it’s depression or anxiety. Maybe something a bit more exotic, schizophrenia or alcoholism, if you’ve encountered it.

How about “mentally healthy?” What comes to mind on that? Again, for most people it’s something like the absence of depression, anxiety, and so forth.

What about “flourishing?” What comes to mind for that? And do you even think of it as a description of human functioning?

Not to make anyone feel bad about their adjustment, but just because you don’t have a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re flourishing. Flourishing, as defined by Corey Keyes, is having a sense of well-being and satisfaction with one’s life which includes feeling mastery, autonomy and ongoing personal growth.

To be flourishing, one must:

· Be interested in life and often cheerful
· Be satisfied with one’s life
· Feel good about yourself
· Seek new challenges
· Believe your life has a purpose and makes a contribution
· Have rewarding relationships
· Believe you can control your environment, and do so
· Be interested in the social community and its potential for growth

Flourishing adults miss fewer days from work, function better psychologically and have fewer physical illnesses.

So how do we flourish? There’s the rub. We’ve studied mental illness for so long we’re just beginning to get serious about flourishing.

But here’s one tip. Think about what you do really well. That’s something you’re very good at and something you love doing. It could be part of your job, something in your role as a parent, or your ability to make people happy with your cooking (remember Chocolat?). Once you’ve got something, then ask yourself how you can do more of it? And do it.

Single Daily Action (or, keep on turning)

I don’t usually write about things that have no apparent empirical basis, but I’m making an exception in the case of the Single Daily Action, or SDA. SDAs are designed to help you roll forward on a plan. Developed in the world of sales, I think they have wide applicability.

The SDA is an action that you perform daily to move you toward a larger goal. So the salesperson who has to make cold calls decides to make ten a day. That’s their SDA.

SDAs are consistent. They’re performed daily.

SDAs are simple. You don’t have to get fancy.

SDAs keep the big goal at the front of your mind. You will not forget.

SDAs are motivating. You don’t have to figure it out, you just do it.

Let’s say you want to spend more time with your kids. SDA: Play with them 15 minutes daily.

Maybe you want to start an exercise program. SDA: Walk 20 minutes a day.

You want to eat better. SDA: Eat one healthy meal a day.

You want to sleep better. SDA: Cut out caffeine after 3:00PM.

The SDA is a small step in the direction you’re headed. It’s a great way to start moving and keep on turning. SDAs make it easy. I’m thinking, “rolling on the river.”

For inspiration listen to Proud Mary, CCR.

SMART Goals

As part of my strengths project, I’m working on helping people get things done. So you wanna get something done? Set the goal, and make it SMART, as in:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Time-bound, trackable

Okay, I’ll admit I’ve talked about goals before in this very blog. This is a different twist.

Maybe you’re trying to start a mindfulness meditation practice (and please see Kabat-Zinn for wonderful ideas on the nature of such a practice). So you tell yourself on Saturday you’ll practice meditating daily. Of course, you meditate on Saturday, and maybe Sunday. By the following Saturday (I like weeks for tracking progress, but it’s entirely up to you) you barely even remember you set the goal of starting your practice, much less know how much you accomplished, what’s left to do, etc. With SMART goals, you can assess progress, and more.

For starters, be specific. I’m going to start a mindfulness meditation practice by meditating daily. Okay. Nice and clear. If I wanted to be a little more specific I could say I’m going to meditate every morning at 5:45AM for 15 minutes. Now that would be quite clear and specific. Generally speaking, experts prefer goals stated as positives (I’m going to…) versus negatives (I’m not going to…). It feels better.

Next, I’m going to measure my progress. Either I meditated daily or not, right? Quite right and often motivating in and of itself. It’s very nice to be able to say that you’ve done something two days in a row, three days, etc.

Attainable and realistic are similar. I like to think of attainable as reflecting the notion that I can actually do it. I can meditate daily. Attainable goals are usually performance goals (e.g., doing it daily), not outcome goals (e.g., in a week I’ll feel more relaxed as a result of meditating).

Realistic is an answer to the question: am I really going to do it? Really? Maybe I’d decide that I’m only going to meditate on the days I don’t run, just to be realistic.

Finally, time-bound. Can I track my progress in time. Of course, daily, specific, measurable goals are usually trackable. Tracking give the thing an urgency. I’m going to see how many days out of the next seven I can do this. It also makes it tangible. You can see your progress by tracking it in your planner, on http://www.joesgoals.com/ or in some other concrete manner. In other words, I highly recommend writing it down. The progress makes you feel good.

So go for it and make it SMART. And Namaste.

Strengths Revisited

I’ve been doing some work on strengths. Even though I’ve written about strengths before here and in my newsletter, there’s always something that strikes me as useful in the revisiting.

Take the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire if you haven’t. You can also identify your strengths by considering the things you’re good at; then ask what strengths enable you to perform well. For example, are you someone who mixes easily at cocktail parties? Is it because you love people, are curious about what they have to say or like to learn things from new people? Is it something else?

Once you’ve identified your strengths, or some of them, consider how you use them across situations. Perhaps you’re a spiritual person who sees beauty in all things and can point this out to others, can bring beauty into the lives of others and can impart peace by your mere presence.

Once you’ve considered how you use your strengths, consider how you might use them differently. It’s well known that people who use strengths in new ways feel happier, more fulfilled and more vital. Say you have zest as a strength. It’s more common among youth, so it’s pretty cool to have it as an adult. Can you bring your enthusiasm for life to someone and pump them up? Can you bring that zest to a situation that sometimes feels a little stale or tedious (perhaps to a board meeting or a road trip)?

Maybe you’ll be surprised at how you can use your strengths in ways you’ve not previously considered. Like many things, improvement comes with exercise and use. And, of course, age.

Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there. Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

Holiday Recovery

A number of people have mentioned to me that they have to recover from the holidays. It struck me as odd. The appropriate Wikipedia entry for this meaning of holiday is: A period of one or more days taken off work by an employee for leisure. Then if we look at leisure we find: Freedom provided by the cessation of activities.

What’s wrong with this picture? I’m thinking freedom provided by not working is not something we ought to have to recover from. So how does this happen?

I know that we may overdo things, trying to pack too many activities into the time. It’s not that you can have too much fun. But if we are constantly on the run, trying to fit everything in, we lose one of the great pleasures of holiday time: relaxing. We make the holiday into work by trying to to see everyone, get the cards out, get the perfect gifts delivered, be certain that everyone around us is having a good time, and so on.

What if we just tried to relax and have fun? It might look different than the usual holiday. Perhaps you would only send cards to the important people, give gifts that reflect what you feel instead of trying to figure out what others want (it takes a lot less time to express your feelings than to attempt to intuit others’ needs), see only those people you really want to see and do only those things you really want to do. I don’t mean in a selfish way. Of course you do things to please others at times. Emphasis on “at times.” In other words, not all the time.

And when you think about what you want to do, ask yourself if you really want to, or if there’s a hidden “should” in there. For example, I should go to the new exhibit at the museum because… This is quite different from, I’m going to the new exhibit because I’m really interested in seeing the Chinese terracotta soldiers.

So I’m picturing a holiday that’s actually a holiday for you, not for everyone else. Maybe next time?