8 Ways You Can Be TOO Nice To Your Ex

As a chocolate lover, I'd like to think you can never have too much chocolate. Similarly, I want to say you can never be too good.  But I do think you can overplay a strength, particularly with an ex, and get yourself in trouble. It's the same with chocolate...no matter how good it is, there's trouble when you've had too much.

We see this issue discussed much more in organizational articles than on the relationship side of things. In an organization, if you overplay your character strength of decisiveness, you risk alienating your peers by being overpowering. In a relationship, being too decisive can cause overreliance on your opinions, encouraging dependency from your ex.

Your ex may beg overtly or subtly for the continuation of various behaviors that, while very appropriate for a spouse, cross the invisible boundaries you are attempting to establish. Sometimes it's difficult because the request seems like something you "should" do precisely because it taps into one of your strengths. 

Read more here...

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

The Post-Divorce Survival Guide

I am excited to announce the publication of my new eBook, The Post-Divorce Survival Guide. ToolsFor Your Journey. It is available   on Amazon. 

With tips and steps to escape negative thinking, emotional impasses and behavioral stagnation, the book will help you negotiate the treacherous terrain of post-divorce life. Lightened up with a heavy dose of humor, I draw on the positive psychology literature with concrete suggestions to pro-actively manage and thrive in the difficult situations and adverse conditions that arise in the wake of divorce.

There are chapters on developing a positive mindset, identifying and using signature strengths, developing more optimism, setting and reaching goals, becoming happier and cultivating mindfulness. There are also chapters devoted to practical aspects of post-divorce adjustment including acceptance, emotional reactions, coping with your ex and dealing with issues like holidays and vacations, relationships with friends and relatives and dating.  

I hope you find it useful and enjoy it. I'd love to hear your comments.

Change Your Thoughts And Your Life Will Change

The way you do one thing is the way you do everything has been rattling around in my head since January, the day I heard it twice in one single day. When something strikes me as interesting, and then it comes up again, I figure it might be important. I also apply this strategy when listening as a therapist or coach, evidence that the adage applies for me.

People come to me seeking change. They want to change their mood, their habits, their careers, their relationships, or their parenting style, among other things. It's wonderful to decide you want to make important changes in your life. 

The problem is that the way you do one thing does seem to be the way you do most things. Notice I got rid of everything. There's Perfect Pete, rarely coloring outside the lines, desperately following the rules, despite the misery it brings. Read more here...

Remembering 9/11

I’ve never written anything about 9/11.  It seems far too sacred.  But this morning I heard a story about Father Mychal Judge and wanted to share it with my readers.  I remember reading about Father Judge at the time.  This is a moving and inspiring story about giving, caring, gratitude, humility, bravery, spirituality, citizenship, humor, happiness, fulfillment and love.  So many of the character strengths we all aspire to play a part in this piece.  Honor your strengths today by using them, and consider trying to practice a new one.

Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings, Op 11

Friendliness in Murfreesboro, TN and Other Places

One of the things I’ve noticed living in the South, is how friendly people are.  When I run near home, people always say hi, wave a hand or give a nod.  The first time I ran on Cape Cod after living in Georgia for a year, I was struck by the lack of acknowledgement.   I’ve run all over the world and I’m struck by the variability in friendliness.

Among Seligman’s signature strengths are loving and being loved, and kindness and generosity.  They fall under the general heading Humanity and Love.  Also relevant are several strengths falling under the general heading of Transcendence.  These include gratitude and sense of purpose.  It seems to me that having strengths in these areas could account for some of the differences.  We know there are regional personality differences.

At the top of the friendliness thermometer are places where I say hi, 99% of people say hi back, and lots say hi first.  In the middle, are places where 50% say hi back, most don’t say hi first, but most kids in little bike trailers and jogging strollers wave.  At the bottom are places where few say high back, virtually none say hi first and even the little kids don’t acknowledge me.  In these places you start to wonder if you’ve entered the twilight zone and have mysteriously become invisible.

How hard is it to say hi or otherwise acknowledge a fellow human?  Particularly when you’re responding to someone else and you don’t have to initiate and run the risk of, heaven forbid, rejection.  But what if you do take the leap, initiate, and said hi to a stranger?  I can almost guarantee you’ll feel a little jolt of good-will, especially if they respond positively.  It has to be a happiness-boosting activity.  And Murfreesboro, I'd give you an 8 out of 10. 

Never Hear Surf Music Again, Free Blood

College and Your Signature Strengths

While Mike Rose, author of Why School?, says you have to think about the cost of college in relation to the benefits, he also points out that it’s not just a question of the economics.  Indeed, his points all relate to values that underlie signature strengths.

Rose asks that we consider what it means to be educated.  In addition to how much you’re going to earn, consider the following reasons to consider education beyond high school, and the strengths I associate with each:

Civic purpose – To have a functioning democracy in which the citizens understand something about politics and economics.  Strengths:  Citizenship, Leadership

Intellectual growth – Learning enables you to find interests and pursuits that expand your vision.  Strengths:  Judgment, Critical thinking, Love of learning

Social benefit – Education helps us learn to think together and sometimes disagree, to problem solve together, and it exposes us to other points of view.  Strengths:  Open-mindedness, Perspective, Teamwork

A place to experiment – College is a place you can figure out what you want to do with your life and find your passion.  Strengths:  Future-mindedness, Sense of purpose, Zest, Enthusiasm, Passion

I say you consider tweaking your strengths by continuing your education, at any phase of life.

Brilliant But Self-Conscious

Isn’t it odd that the most renowned architect of the 20th century worried about being photographed wearing glasses? Apparently, none of the photos you will see of Frank Lloyd Wright show him in specs. And his height (he was a bit vertically challenged) was something he tried to hide as well. That really hit me as I toured Taliesin West, an example of Wright’s amazing work. We were told he had 161 projects on his desk when he died at the age of 91.

The man was arguably the most important architect of the 20th century. He developed a type of organic architecture that was ahead of its time and served to shape the future of architecture, along with many smaller but important inventions and advances.

Wright also had a following of talented people who lived and worked at Taliesin West and it became a school of architecture which it remains to this day. The place has a commune-like feel in the best sense and was clearly a novel way of nurturing learning and creativity; his own and others.

So how is it that someone so brilliant, successful and creative could be concerned about trivial aspects of personal appearance?

Perhaps the thing we must master is the integration of our strong selves with our weaker parts. Whether that strength comes from our successful career, our parenting, our civic mindedness, or anything else we excel at. If we can tap into our strength and use it to offset our weakness, it makes for a much happier whole.

Just consider how you can use one of your signature strengths to make today more fulfilling. You might spend time with a friend to cheer them up instead of worrying about how that dress is going to look at the party, now that you’re put on a few pounds. Or really notice how good you are at one aspect of your work, accepting that you can’t do everything brilliantly.  And about those glasses, they make you look more intelligent.

Values in Action, or, Can we Give Michael Phelps a Break?

Michael Phelps entertained us with his ability to perform the equivalent of leaping off tall buildings in a single bound. He brought home the bacon (okay, it was actually gold) giving us a renewed sense of our country’s greatness. He loved mom and, well, grits and pancakes, among other typically American foods. But with one fell swoop, or one small puff, he’s persona non grata, a pariah,a bad influence on our children.

I’d like to suggest, not to be Pollyanna-ish, that we cut him some slack, give him a break, chill out, while we consider the Signature strengths (or values in action) that can be brought to bear on this situation. We all have many of these strengths as part of our personalities. We use them in various situations. I think they’re valuable in analyzing the Michael Phelps fiasco.

Forgiveness, of course, jumps out. Don’t we owe a little forgiveness to the poor guy?

Humility. Is it not too pretentious to put Michael down for one little slip, or even a couple?

How about honesty? And speaking of hypocrites, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Open-mindedness also seems pertinent. I’m sure Michael had his reasons for what he did, or if not, he is just a young man after all. Think about all the pressures of being such a young superstar.

Wisdom is another closely related strength. Using a broad perspective to examine his behavior, can’t we see possibilities for understanding this?

Then there’s kindness and generosity. Wouldn’t it be good and show great understanding to give the guy a break?

Maybe even a little loyalty for someone who has represented our country in the best possible way?

How about a little fairness and gratitude?

There are 24 signature strengths identified by Peterson and Seligman in the Values in Action questionnaire. If we just applied a few to situations like this, in our everyday lives, I think we might get along better in our little worlds. The lesson to our children is that everyone makes mistakes. And sometimes you pay dearly. So think before you act, and if you mess up, hope others will treat you with the same kindness and understanding you can give to one of our national heroes.

Where is the love? Black-eyed peas.

Strengths Revisited

I’ve been doing some work on strengths. Even though I’ve written about strengths before here and in my newsletter, there’s always something that strikes me as useful in the revisiting.

Take the VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire if you haven’t. You can also identify your strengths by considering the things you’re good at; then ask what strengths enable you to perform well. For example, are you someone who mixes easily at cocktail parties? Is it because you love people, are curious about what they have to say or like to learn things from new people? Is it something else?

Once you’ve identified your strengths, or some of them, consider how you use them across situations. Perhaps you’re a spiritual person who sees beauty in all things and can point this out to others, can bring beauty into the lives of others and can impart peace by your mere presence.

Once you’ve considered how you use your strengths, consider how you might use them differently. It’s well known that people who use strengths in new ways feel happier, more fulfilled and more vital. Say you have zest as a strength. It’s more common among youth, so it’s pretty cool to have it as an adult. Can you bring your enthusiasm for life to someone and pump them up? Can you bring that zest to a situation that sometimes feels a little stale or tedious (perhaps to a board meeting or a road trip)?

Maybe you’ll be surprised at how you can use your strengths in ways you’ve not previously considered. Like many things, improvement comes with exercise and use. And, of course, age.

Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there. Marcus Aurelius Antoninus