8 Ways You Can Be TOO Nice To Your Ex

As a chocolate lover, I'd like to think you can never have too much chocolate. Similarly, I want to say you can never be too good.  But I do think you can overplay a strength, particularly with an ex, and get yourself in trouble. It's the same with chocolate...no matter how good it is, there's trouble when you've had too much.

We see this issue discussed much more in organizational articles than on the relationship side of things. In an organization, if you overplay your character strength of decisiveness, you risk alienating your peers by being overpowering. In a relationship, being too decisive can cause overreliance on your opinions, encouraging dependency from your ex.

Your ex may beg overtly or subtly for the continuation of various behaviors that, while very appropriate for a spouse, cross the invisible boundaries you are attempting to establish. Sometimes it's difficult because the request seems like something you "should" do precisely because it taps into one of your strengths. 

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The World According To Dunham.

Whether they're 20-, 30- or 60-something, my clients often bemoan the unfairness of life. They are frequently bemused, as in "I've been so good to him, how could he have lied to me for all that time?" or, "My boss has totally got it in for me…no reason whatsoever…I don't get it." They are shocked by the randomness.

The remarkable thing about Lena Dunham's memoir is that, at a mere 27, she seems to have totally gotten how the world works, as in, "There's a lot of crap around and you can't avoid that."

I've written previously about wisdom we can glean from Dunham's Girls series. At the risk of again being accused of suffering a girl crush, I simply must relate some Dunhamisms from the memoir, applicable to your relationships.

1. Not ready for prime time. Dunham notes that when you go for guys who aren't interested in you, it could be because you're not ready for sex. While she referred to her adolescence, this applies at any age and goes beyond sex. Focusing efforts on unavailable men means that, not only aren't you ready for sex, you're probably not ready for any type of intimacy, including the non-physical kind. Take your time.

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The Secret Of Changing Your Life

People come to me with worries, problems, fears and relationship issues, among other things. Much as I hate to admit this, sometimes it takes countless hours of psychotherapy until they finally get the secret of change. The secret is simply that you can't change or control what anyone else does. Trying too hard to change others is usually called codependence.  The rest of the secret is that you can change and control what you do. It can truly be a revelation. But then a problem often remains.  What is it, exactly, that you want to be different in your life?

Often, when I ask clients what they want in their lives or how they'd like their lives to be, I get the negatives. Usually it's something like, I don't want:

·         to worry about money…my job… marriage… parents…

·         my kid to fail in school…get in trouble…have a car accident…

·         to drink so much…have a messy house…stay out so late…

·         to be overweight…lazy…jealous…

·         my relationship to fail…to be boring…to make me sad…

Yeah, yeah, I say, in a nice way. That’s what you don't want, but what do you want?  Then my clients get really clever and tell me, I want:

·         my partner to stop spending so much money…

·         my kid to stop getting Fs…

·         people to stop offering me drinks when I say no…

·         my family to stop eating junkfood so I can too…

·         my partner to be more romantic…

Yeah, yeah, I say, putting on my life coach hat, but what do you want to be different in your life right now. How can you be in action about it today? And while you're at it, let's make it something you can control yourself. Ah, my clients say, you mean, I will:

·         save $50 dollars each week

·         spend 15 minutes daily helping my kid get organized

·         limit my drinking to 2 glasses of wine, 2 nights a week

·         buy healthier foods to cook 5 days a week

·         suggest that Friday be our weekly date night

Yes! Yes! Yes! That's exactly what I mean. When you want things to change, this is the secret. Focus on what you do want, today. Be specific and authentic about what you can do to make the change, including the what, where and when. You are the expert on your own life. You know the steps you need to be taking. You just have to think about it in these practical terms and start doing it. Today.

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road: On Narcissism & Codependency

Would you believe that several researchers wrote an article called “Why are narcissists so charming at first sight?”? They point out that what we notice upon first meeting narcissists is their colorful or fashionable attire, stylish hair and pleasantly amusing manner. We’re taken in by this first impression.  And, as I've been hearing a lot this week, it's hard to extricate ourselves . 

Oh my…are we so shallow? Be honest. Everyone likes them (well mostly everyone) initially, including you. They’re engaging and attractive and it’s easy to get sucked in, like a moth to a flame. There’s a neat book about relationships with narcissists, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.

You get involved. You’re in deep. And then, when you want to do something for yourself or no longer want to do the Wizard’s bidding, they get pissed and ugly. You start to think there’s something wrong with you since everyone else still thinks they’re the greatest thing since the ruby slippers. You wonder if you’re too sensitive or too self-absorbed. Or perhaps you’re just a wicked witch, AKA a bitch, as you’ve probably been told.

Maybe you feel you need to give more, or you’ve lost interest in your own goals and dreams, you feel responsible or you can’t give up the love. If so you’ve moved into the codependent camp and must consider immediate corrective action. This would include accepting that it’s not selfish to want to pursue your own goals. Indeed, it’s essential to your happiness. Do not be a doormat. Do your own thing. If you’re stuck, check out Codependent No More, coaching or therapy. And please, no more Wizards.