Love Thy Neighbor. Try a Loving Kindness Meditation

Would you imagine that loving one’s neighbors can improve feelings of self-confidence and reduce depression and physical symptoms? The loving kindness meditation has been empirically studied and the results suggest just that.

How does this work, one might ask? It seems that simply sitting calmly, breathing abdominally and focusing inward has multiple benefits. The loving kindness meditation appears to augment these gains by also increasing positive emotion. Positive emotions, in turn, are linked to positive outcomes in life like success and good health. Generally, the meditation begins with extending the feeling of acceptance and good will to oneself. Gradually, the acceptance is extended outward to others one loves, likes, respects or simply knows, and even to those one dislikes. In this way, it’s also like a forgiveness (and self-forgiveness) practice. Oh, and it induces a loving attitude toward the self and others.

Try it yourself at BuddhaNet Audio or Beliefnet.
And Imagine (John Lennon).

Mindful Eating: Three Questions

In our obesogenic environment, mindful eating is a way to curb the impulse to overindulge. The basic idea is to slow down all behaviors related to eating, from your attitudes toward eating and choosing foods, to portion size and the mechanics of eating itself. Tuning into your body and the sensory experiences related to eating in an accepting and nonjudgmental manner are among your goals.

The three questions I really like are from a recent study using acceptance-based therapy (ABT) interventions to facilitate weight loss. In addition to mindfulness, ABT helps you tolerate distress by learning to accept thoughts and feelings without trying to change them, using values to choose behavioral directions and being open to your present experience in the here and now.

The three questions to ask before eating:

1. What is triggering me to eat this food right now?
2. What are my other options for food to eat or behavior in which I can engage?
3. Is eating this food the option I want to choose?

Your conversation with yourself might go something like this.

What’s triggering me? Am I bored, upset or feeling entitled to a special treat?

What are other options? If I’m bored maybe I need to get out and do something…upset, call a friend…entitled to a treat…take time for myself, a hot bath, massage, walk, those would be healthy treats.

Is this what I want to choose? There may be other options that are healthier, more consistent with my eating plan and will make me feel better later. What are those?

Also check out Susan Albers’ website for great info. And get more tips for eating the mindful meal from Brigham & Women’s Hospital.

As Albers says, eat, drink and be mindful. And before you indulge, ask the 3 questions.

To get in the questioning mood, I recommend Questions 67 and 68…Chicago

Truth or Fiction? Write Your Stories

In an interview, author of That Old Cape Magic,“ Richard Russo says: “The deepest failures any fiction writer is likely to have are failures of not quite comprehending the truth of the story that he or she is telling. And I think that's why Jack Griffin can't write this story ... there's something about himself that he hasn't quite recognized."

Russo goes on to talk about how missing the truth of one’s life happens in real life as well as in fiction. Memories of the past are not necessary shared precisely by the participants, much as eyewitness reports frequently differ. So where’s the truth?

What does this have to do with anything? It speaks to the need for all of us to address our own truths and try to gain perspective about ourselves, our choices, our behaviors.

There’s a great exercise in Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life (Steven Hayes). It calls for you to write the story of your suffering, including the main problems and all the reasons (historical, situational and personal) for the presence of these problems in your life. Suffering being a bit strong for some of us, you could just write the story of your present difficulties. Then you underline only the facts of your story…not interpretations or analyses. Finally, you take the facts and write a completely different story, with a different ending. As you can imagine, the meaning of the facts changes dramatically in the two stories. Hayes goes on to suggest that you can write yet another story using the same facts to further demonstrate how the stories we tell change the meaning of the facts.

In other words, our interpretations of the facts of our lives change our beliefs about the truths of our lives. It suggests that we can change those truths by re-writing or re-interpreting our story.

For example, it’s possible that you’ve been less accomplished, less intelligent and less capable than all your siblings. It’s equally possible that you’ve taken the road less traveled, made unpopular choices and picked experiences you desired over those preferred by others. The question becomes how can you be the person you wish to be instead of the incompetent you’ve believed yourself to be? (It’s just one possible example.)

My suggestion: Write and re-write your story. See how it comes out each time. Stick with the one that feels true and good at the same time.

The Anticipatory Principle...Driving it Home

The anticipatory principle is the notion that what we anticipate about our future influences what actually happens to us. It comes from research about appreciative inquiry. Appreciative inquiry, let me be clear on this, is not to be confused with the law of attraction , which I am in no way, shape or form endorsing.

Jackie Kelm has a great example in her book The Joy of Appreciative Living. She asks the reader to imagine their upcoming weekend. Then she asks that you consider how much the following affect your answer:

What your friends, family and neighbors like to do and would like you to do
Where you live
What your religious beliefs and your upbringing suggest you should do
What the media says you should do
What others like you do

Kelm’s point is that we unthinkingly allow other people and things to influence our choices. In doing so, we begin to live their life, not our life. So this weekend, if you feel like hanging out with the cats, reading, piddling around the house and watching old movies, why not?

Kelm urges us to “get in the driver’s seat and become conscious of where the bus is heading.”

I might ask: What’s your 90 day plan? Your five year plan?

Who’s going to decide where you’re heading? Do you have to have kids because all your friends do it? Do you have to marry for the same reason? Perhaps your idea of joining the International Red Cross isn't popular with your family or friends. Who’s going to decide?

In other words, take control of your destiny and shape your future. Don’t let others convince you to drive your bus to their desired destination. Choose your own.

We can drive it home, with one headlight…One Headlight, The Wallflowers

Scheduled, Overscheduled or Just Right?

Many of us are already overscheduled, so I know you don’t want to hear about more items for your calendar, but…

If you want to be ready to face all the competing demands of work, family, friends, the world, your public (okay, just wanted to make sure you were paying attention), you have to be disciplined in ways you may not be accustomed to considering.

Take food and exercise, for instance. How many hours do you go without eating? What happens after you’ve gone for 5 hours without food? Do you start getting tired? A touch irritable? Maybe you notice your thinking becoming a bit foggy. Do you snack? Little Debbies or Cliff Bars? How about exercise? How many times a week do you put in the magic 30 minutes?

In The Power of Full Engagement, Loehr & Schwartz argue that planning eating and exercise, along with sleep, breaks from work and lots of other useful routines, help us perform at higher levels. I’ve just written about some of these ideas relating to athletic performance in my newsletter about Maintaining Focus Under Pressure, but it’s not just for athletes.

No matter what your job, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief (oops, politically incorrect I’m sure), routines matter. I love the way Loehr & Schwartz talk about starting the day, when you’re fresh, with big projects, think pieces and the like, instead of checking your email. They also discuss taking time out for pleasurable activities and positive emotions, both of which are renewing.

And don’t forget to laugh…it might help you live longer, or at least stronger.

Values in Action, or, Can we Give Michael Phelps a Break?

Michael Phelps entertained us with his ability to perform the equivalent of leaping off tall buildings in a single bound. He brought home the bacon (okay, it was actually gold) giving us a renewed sense of our country’s greatness. He loved mom and, well, grits and pancakes, among other typically American foods. But with one fell swoop, or one small puff, he’s persona non grata, a pariah,a bad influence on our children.

I’d like to suggest, not to be Pollyanna-ish, that we cut him some slack, give him a break, chill out, while we consider the Signature strengths (or values in action) that can be brought to bear on this situation. We all have many of these strengths as part of our personalities. We use them in various situations. I think they’re valuable in analyzing the Michael Phelps fiasco.

Forgiveness, of course, jumps out. Don’t we owe a little forgiveness to the poor guy?

Humility. Is it not too pretentious to put Michael down for one little slip, or even a couple?

How about honesty? And speaking of hypocrites, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Open-mindedness also seems pertinent. I’m sure Michael had his reasons for what he did, or if not, he is just a young man after all. Think about all the pressures of being such a young superstar.

Wisdom is another closely related strength. Using a broad perspective to examine his behavior, can’t we see possibilities for understanding this?

Then there’s kindness and generosity. Wouldn’t it be good and show great understanding to give the guy a break?

Maybe even a little loyalty for someone who has represented our country in the best possible way?

How about a little fairness and gratitude?

There are 24 signature strengths identified by Peterson and Seligman in the Values in Action questionnaire. If we just applied a few to situations like this, in our everyday lives, I think we might get along better in our little worlds. The lesson to our children is that everyone makes mistakes. And sometimes you pay dearly. So think before you act, and if you mess up, hope others will treat you with the same kindness and understanding you can give to one of our national heroes.

Where is the love? Black-eyed peas.

Stress: The Inner Game

"The cause of most stress can be summed up by the word attachment. [The ego] gets so dependent upon things, situations, people and concepts within its experience that when change occurs or seems about to occur, it feels threatened. Freedom from stress does not necessarily involve giving up anything, but rather being able to let go of anything, when necessary, and know that one will still be all right. It comes from being more independent—not necessarily more solitary, but more reliant on one’s own inner resources for stability."

The words of a Zen master? Actually, W. Timothy Gallwey in The Inner Game of Tennis, a very interesting read even if you don’t play. Consider applying the notion of attachment to one’s performance in a game like tennis, or any game. In giving up the need to win, the implications of losing and so forth, we are freed up to perform without stress.

Can you apply it to your life? If you can give up the idea of things being as you expected them to be, wanted them to be, thought you needed them to be, does it free you up to relax without stress?

Disengaging doesn’t mean we’re not interested, motivated or working hard. It simply means that we’re not getting caught up in emotional entanglements and self-criticism that move us away from our true goals. Whether at work, at play or in relationships, there are many applications of these ideas.

I hate to be pedestrian, but having just seen (and enjoyed) Yes Man, I am reminded of Terence Stamp’s life coach from hell. He does make the good point that you have to start somewhere in your life and start saying yes to opportunities. I’d argue it’s a way of disengaging and letting go of some of your long held and dearly beloved beliefs about the way things should be.

So try saying yes to opportunity and no to stress.