Roadblocks on the Path to Happiness

Happiness experts advise that in order to attain the magical state of happiness, one must traverse a path of our choosing, and that path, or journey, is one of happiness. When you’re on that path you’re pursuing goals that you believe are worthwhile, and you’re enjoying doing so. This is one of those love yourself situations. You have to believe you’re worthy of the pursuit of happiness to travel on this path.

You decide you need to take a yoga class three times a week, or go on a meditation retreat for a week, or attend a gourmet cooking school, or change careers. Whatever it is, it has to meet a few criteria. It has to be something that is meaningful to you, that you enjoy and that you’re good at.

The first roadblock is you. Don’t tell me it’s selfish. It’s not. It’s the only path to happiness. If you think you’re being selfish when you pursue a personal goal, you’ve got to ask yourself, why? Why can’t you get a job you'll enjoy? Why can’t you get a PhD?

The second roadblock is others. If the person you call your soul mate cannot understand why you would need to do such a thing and tries to stop you, it’s time to ask yourself what makes you think this is your soul mate. You see, to be in a healthy relationship, you have to be free to do the things you need to do for yourself, as well as for the relationship. If your best friend thinks it’s weird that you’re taking off for an ashram, that’s fine, as long as s/he doesn’t try to stop you. And if they do try to stop you, what’s that about?

So ask yourself, what do I need to do to make myself just one little bit happier? And you’re on the path.

I’m thinking Sting, If you love somebody set them free.

Lucky Charms Enhance Performance?

Research has recently shown that having a lucky charm improved performance on a memory game. The researchers draw the conclusion that lucky charms boost confidence thereby enhancing performance. I’ve written before about pre-performance routines (vs pre-performance rituals). I’ll have to respectfully argue again that it’s not the ritual but the routine that makes the difference.

Take a difficult talk you’re about to give. Preparing carefully and telling yourself you’re going to do a fantastic job are great. Doing a little abdominal breathing helps calm you down. If you have a “lucky” object that you keep in your pocket, touching it occasionally to remind you to breathe, it’s the routine you’ve developed, not just the ritual of the thing, that I suspect makes the difference.

You’re going into a job interview, or preparing to play a tough match. The same principles apply. Do your preparation carefully. If you have an object, it could be a piece of jewelry or a pen, that reminds you of your plan to be calm, or talk slowly, or play smart, that object can add something positive to your routine.

Mood music, of course, Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.

Happiness is a Journey

According to Tal Ben-Shahar, happiness expert, there are four ways in which we attempt to find happiness. They relate to the present and future benefits of our behaviors. We all have characteristics of all four types. Consider how you fit into these types:

The Rat-Racer, or, present detriment with future benefit. You are always in search of the next success and trying to reach your next goal. You’ll have fun once you get there. But of course, when you arrive, there’s yet another goal. You’re totally future oriented and the present only matters as it serve your future goal. While workaholics are the typical examples of this mentality, there are many others. For example, If I just stick to this diet and lose 5 more pounds, I’ll be happy.

The Hedonist, or, present benefit with future detriment. The opposite of the rat-racer, all that’s important is the present. You attempt to satisfy all your desires no matter what the consequences. You’re always ready for the next best thing. No surprise, you’re not terribly happy or interested in anything. Challenge and meaning are essential for happiness.

The Nihilist, or, present detriment and future detriment. To you, life has no meaning. There is no happiness, just continued unhappiness. You’re never more disappointed because you no longer have any expectations. You believe you have no control over anything.

The Happy, or, present benefit and future benefit. You’re happy now and hope to be happy in the future because of your present actions. Sometimes, you do things you don’t completely enjoy, because it’s going to be good for the future. More often you manage to have a pretty good time. You have frequent flow experiences.

Ben-Shahar recommends considering the times in your life you fit each of these types. You might also ask yourself some questions to get on track. In which type would you like to spend most of your time? How can you enjoy the journey more? What’s your road to happiness?

“Attaining lasting happiness requires that we enjoy the journey on our way toward a destination we deem valuable.” Tal Ben-Shahar

Cell Phone Etiquette for Parents

A friend of mine, Michelle Cimino, is doing some special offers to promote her book, Cell Phone Etiquette, Observations from a Mom.

Just when you think you know everything, or at least all you need to know, about cell phones and texting, there’s more. Cell phone jammers, for example. Cell phone bans in the NYC schools. And more.

While Michelle has the obvious don’ts, like not texting in restaurants, in meetings, etc., she also goes beyond. How about, Do not text while I’m talking to you… perfect.

My favorite is Michelle’s great list of acronyms and other shorthands, like:

IDK (I don’t care) - I get this a lot from my textor

P911 Parent alert

The book also covers the good uses of cell phones…I’m in the store, do you want this shirt or that one?

And general cool uses to connect with your kids either by speaking their language (texting of course) to KIP (keep in touch) and using code to communicate.

And Michelle’s best advice, no naked photos.

Just click on this link http://www.cellphonemom.com/ with your Amazon purchase number and she’ll send you the info about free e-books, free coaching calls, recorded trainings, interviews, discounts on services, and other promotions she’s offering.

BFN

Writing your Goals

I like this book about achieving your goals, Write it Down, Make it Happen, by Henriette Anne Klauser. It’s filled with clever anecdotes. I particularly like the one about Jim Carrey. Before we knew Jim Carrey, he wrote a check to himself for 10 million dollars “For Services Rendered,” which he carried around for years.

I have to be honest though, it’s not based on research. But there is a great deal of research on goal setting, writing down goals, commitment to goals, and the like. We know that goals encourage persistence, energize and direct us toward getting the information and skills we need to reach them. We know that goals direct our attention toward the goal and away from irrelevant pursuits.

Here’s where writing it down comes in.  When I write down my goal, things happen as a result. For example, I write down, I have 10 new coaching clients in the next 8 weeks. Writing it down doesn’t magically make anything happen. But consider what could happen. You’re reading this. Perhaps you think, oh, she wants clients. Is she any good? Maybe you’ll get in touch and get that free coaching call. If I look at what I’ve written, daily perhaps, then any time I have an opportunity to make a coaching contact, you bet it’s going to be at the top of my mind. We call it priming. The same way priming a wall gets it ready to be painted, priming our minds gets them ready to be open to a particular idea. My writing will probably be affected by looking at my goal in the morning. As a result, I’m more likely to mention coaching when I write. And so forth.

If you can think the goal through without writing it down, more power to you. Some evidence suggests that it’s not the writing but the complexity of the goal, your commitment and the SMARTness of it. We know that public commitment to goals helps us honor them. And possibly there is something to the present tense (I have 10 new clients, rather than I will have).

So consider your goals. Perhaps write them down or at least take time to elaborate them and consider the goals on a regular basis, getting more detailed about what you want and how you’re going to go about getting it. Maybe take another step and check out Klauser’s book.  Oh, and consider that free coaching call you can get by contacting me...coaching holds you accountable for meeting your best possible future goals!

Mindful Parenting

I'm aspiring to be more mindful every day.  I’ve written about mindfulness in general. I’ve just focused on mindful parenting. I’m anticipating the reactions.

You make it sound so easy. To which I reply, I don’t mean to. It’s called a mindfulness practice. Which is no accident and not a misnomer. You have to really practice things like being, non-judging and letting go, in addition to the other skills. Some will come more easily to you than others.

But what about getting my kids to do the right thing? Good luck with that. Mindful parenting doesn’t mean hands off parenting. You teach, inspire, model and do whatever else you believe in order to instill values and morals. But at some point, your kids have to start making their own choices. See Do Kids Get to Make Choices?

Trust my kids! How can I when they do stupid stuff? I have to ask in response, And you didn’t? We all know on some level that making mistakes is the best way to learn. I may threaten and explain why he shouldn’t speed, but see those blue lights coming up on you for the first time...there's no explanation that can match that experience.

It’s like the three mindful eating questions. You may ask them a dozen times before finally, one day, you decide not toeat the thing you’ve pondered eating for all the wrong reasons.

So yes, the principles which also include acceptance, letting go, beginner’s mind and patience, are simply understood, yet difficult to put into action at times. But they don’t say practice makes perfect (or at least good enough) for nothing.

Moving At a Snail's Pace

Happiness experts agree that we must slow down and smell the flowers. Taking more time for things allows us to savor, enjoy, calm ourselves and regain composure. All of this, in turn, allows us to be happier, more satisfied and more fulfilled.

I’ve worked on this myself for quite some time. The famous 59th Street Bridge Song phrase, slow down you move too fast, is one I use as a reminder and have mentioned before. I’ve been working on a running meditation practice. Although I’ve long been familiar with the walking meditation, this running meditation is new to me. I must admit the multitasking (running plus meditation) aspect of it is very appealing. It also means running without my iPod. It’s difficult at first, and later as well, but somewhere in the middle it seems like it might be working.

I returned home the other morning thinking, as I walked the last stretch, of all the things I had to do before zooming out to the office. As I turned up my driveway something caught my eye. A snail making its way slowly, very slowly, across the drive. Hmmmm. A bit odd. Then as I continued up, still in thinking/planning mode, I saw another. Now this really got my attention. I had to stop and take a closer look.

Having taken an appreciative inquiry class not too long ago, and now coupling it with a visioning class, I saw the snails as signs. No, I’m not getting all woo woo. Not cosmic signs that the universe is sending out to me. Just signs of something I’ve been working on myself. Signs to remind me to slow down and smell the roses, listen to the woodpecker and get ready that morning without doing every single thing on my to-do list for the day. Now I have the snail image as a reminder. And yup, I even took the time to get my camera and take a few pics, before moving on my more deliberate, measured way, to work.