Sounds of Silence

I find the protests of people who don’t practice relaxation, meditation or any other similar activity interesting. I CAN’T JUST SIT AND BREATHE, they say. I have to be DOING something, they say. This often comes from people who complain of a lot of worry and anxiety. I’m here to say that mastering silence is something worth practicing. There are many benefits of silence, evidence of which comes (loosely) from the relaxation and meditation research. Benefits include:


Thinking. A chattering mind interferes with clear thought. Intuition speaks to us out of our silence. As a result, silence allows for creative thought.

Communicating. Silence allows us to listen to ourselves and others. In listening better we become better communicators. Discomfort with silence leads to idle chatter. Comfort with silence allows us to speak only what is important. Intimacy requires few words.

Being. Silence allows us to just be instead of always having to do. Silence allows us to let go of unfinished business. As in sleep, in silence we are able to work things out and let go. Silence is energizing in its ability to renew, while also reducing anxiety.

Experiment with a little silence. Try: silent meals (no radio, phone, tv, talk), silent work (no radio, phone, etc.), silent workouts (no…noise). See how it goes. You might find it as addictive as talk.

Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again. Sounds of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel.

Work-Life Balance: Leaving Work at Work

I know there’s no simple solution to the work-life balance issue. One thing I’ve been talking with clients about a lot lately is leaving work at work.

I know, I know. You can’t, you can’t. Because:

Excuse No. 1. You own your own business. It’s 24/7. Okay. I also own my own business. It can be 24/7, but there are things I can control that make it more like 10/7. Maybe even 10/6.

Excuse No. 2. It’s dog-eat-dog out there. I have to impress my boss by being available 24/7…Okay. I’ve also worked for others. It can be 24/7, but there are ways to make it more like 10/6.

Excuse No. 3. I’m never going to achieve the fame, glory, money, [fill in the blank], unless I crank away 24/7…Okay, I want fame, glory and money too…well, maybe not so much anymore. But ask yourself: will it make you happy?

Not one to bring up problems without solutions, here are my suggestions:

Decompress before you walk in the door. In the car, on the train or even just before you walk out of the office or into the house, take a few minutes to clear you mind. Consider what you have to leave behind and give yourself permission to do so. Write down what needs to be handled first thing in the morning if necessary. Then consider what you’re walking into. Set an intention to focus on your family, yourself, your dog, or whatever it is you’re coming home to. Make your intention more specific if you have to (e.g., I will try not to yell at the kids; I will try to really listen to my partner).

Leave the crackberry, iPhone, or whatever, charging somewhere else when you’re engaged with your family, relaxing/meditating/ running, eating, watching a DVD, etc. No home phone? I bet friends and family have their own ring. You can still screen calls. On call? On call is on call, but it’s probably not 24/7. And if it is and you get a lot of calls, maybe it’s time for a screening service or time to negotiate a change with the boss.

Check your email at specific times, i.e., not constantly. How many things cannot wait a few hours? And if there’s something pending that’s important, I’m sure you’ll know about it and can apologize in advance to your significant others. But that ought to be relatively rare.

Do not text while engaged with your family, relaxing/ meditating…you get the idea.

Engage with people at home and try to focus and really connect. Leaving work at work helps us do this. If you need to vent about something at work, do it. Then shift the focus back to home.

About that fame and fortune, you’ve got to ask if it’s really going to make you happy. Will you feel fulfilled if you make more money this year? Will life have more meaning if you’re more famous next year? Will your health be better? Will you be more content? Where are you really going with all this work?

Money Changes Everything, Cyndi Lauper. Or does it?

Chocoholics Unite and Get Healthy!

I am an unabashed chocoholic. That being said, chocolate, red wine, health foods? Really? I can certainly agree that most things in moderation are probably fine. Similarly, most things in excess are probably not so good. I’d also have to argue that quick fixes (think crash diets) are usually bogus. Long-term lifestyle changes are the only really credible way to go.

I’m not saying there are not health benefits to various foods that might otherwise be considered problematic. But seriously, “Leafy green vegetables, folate, and some multivitamins could serve as protective factors against lung cancer.” Who are we kidding here? Wouldn’t quitting smoking be the obvious strategy to reduce the risk of lung cancer?

There are many ways to get fit, diet and reduce stress. They take commitment, hard work and a touch of creativity. Another ingredient is to try to make it fun. You don’t have to run, eat celery or meditate. But I challenge you to figure out what you would enjoy and what might be fun (learning to tango, kickboxing, tai chi, macrobiotics?). Then give it a try. Find out what works for you.

Set Intentions Mindfully

The practice of mindfulness often refers to intentions. For example, I’m working on my meditation practice, so I start the week with an intention to mediate earlier in the day. Is that different than my intention to go to the supermarket after work? Is it the same as my intention not to yell at my child? How does the intention affect my behavior? Is it even worth setting an intention?

There’s evidence that setting an intention and making it public do help with behavior change. You set your quit date (cigarettes, chocolate cake, whatever your poison) and start telling people and it improves your outcome. Intentions are good for all sorts of changes we desire. Think about what you’d like to be doing differently and consider how you might set an intention for yourself.

A few suggestions on intentions.

* Becoming aware our intentions is a start. Although I wanted to write a blog for the past week, I did not set a specific intention to do so until today. Think about it. Do you ever do anything without first intending to? If you do, I challenge you to go back and try to identify whether there was really a little bit of an intention, even if unacknowledged. If you really can’t identify your intention, that’s okay, you can set an intention to notice your intentions. No, I’m not kidding. And you can always just go on to the next step, which is setting an intention.

* Make a conscious choice about your intention. What is it you want? And how do you intend to get it? Do you want to notice every time you go into the kitchen to get something to eat and ask yourself the 3 mindful eating questions? Do you want to stop yelling at your kids and become more mindful? Do you want to get your expenses handed in on time?

* Remind yourself about the intention. How will you do it? You can write down your intention for the day or week in a lovely journal. That’s great, but if you do be sure to decide when you’ll refer to that lovely journal, lest it just gather dust on the shelf with your other new year’s resolutions. You can leave yourself little sticky notes in prominent places to remind you. You can set your phone to remind you. You get the idea.

* Continuing the work without judgment. In other words, work on your intention, notice if you’re sticking to it, but don’t start telling yourself your bad, lazy or a slacker if you don’t get it done as often as you’d like. Just notice, and remind yourself again of what the intention is. Keep at it.

Compassionate Communication

A lot with people are talking about how to communicate better. In addition to substantive conversations, I like nonviolent communication as a model to strive for. It’s also referred to as compassionate communication, highlighting the empathetic nature of the process.

You can read more about it in Rosenberg’s book, but there are basically 4 steps that you can employ as needed, when communicating and when listening. Here are a couple of examples for communicating.

Step 1 – Observe without judgment or evaluation. For example, I see you looking away and wonder if you’re thinking, or bored, or something else. Instead of, Am I boring you?, a sarcastic jab.

Another example, I notice you missed your curfew since it’s 12:30 and your curfew is 12:00. Instead of, Why are you always late?

Step 2 – Separate feeling from thinking and express your feelings without criticizing or blaming. For example, I see you looking away and wonder if you’re bored and it worries me that I may not be interesting enough. Instead of, I’m feeling hurt because you don’t think it’s important to respond to me.

In the curfew example, I feel afraid that something may have happened to you when you’re not home by curfew. Instead of, Do you ever think about how worried I get when you’re late?

Step 3 – Connect what’s happening with some human need. For example, I need to feel valued and when you look away when I’m talking and don’t respond, I feel alienated. Here we must distinguish between human needs and how we are to get those needs met. In this statement, I’m just putting it out there.

When you’re out past midnight and don’t let me know where you are, I start to feel afraid that something’s wrong and I need to have peace in my life. I need to have peace, but it’s not necessarily up to you to meet that need. Bringing us to Step 4.

Step 4 – Request something to meet your need. For example, I’d like to hear what you think about this.  Can you tell me?

In the case of the missed curfew, I’d like to hear from you when you’re going to be late. Ask for what you want, not what you don’t want (i.e., I don’t want you to be late).

Bottom line, the other person doesn’t have to give us what we ask for. But asking is important. It helps us gain clarity and express our needs. Then we can decide how to handle things if we’re refused, or perhaps given an alternative. Often we may actually get what we’re asking for. Perhaps your companion is just pondering and can’t figure out how to articulate what they’re thinking. Maybe your child thinks it’s time for a later curfew and will now ask for one.

Listening works the same way. You friend may react to your request with anger or more silence. You can listen to their anger and reflect on it in the same compassionate way, e.g., I can hear from your tone that you’re feeling angry and I’d like you to tell me why. Regarding the curfew, From your explanation, I’m thinking you want a later curfew. You may or may not decide to give your child what they want.

I like the calm, clear communication that results. It takes a lot of work and practice to get there. I’m guessing on this last bit, since I still haven’t arrived.

Talk.  Coldplay.

Online Dating is Official

It’s official. According to a story today on NPR, more than half of modern couples meet on-line. That doesn’t include the people who meet in bars but actually met first on-line.

As the psychologist quoted pointed out, no one knows what you want the way you do. And you can screen for things important to you via on-line dating services. Sure you’ll meet some people you’re not interested in seeing again, but that’s always true of dating. It's still a lot quicker than traditional meets.

Shop as many sites as it takes to find one you’re comfortable with. Look for sites that capture your interests if the biggies like match.com don’t appeal. You can date by ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, geekiness, profession, wealth, politics, athleticism and probably anything else you’re interested in. Consider free sites if you’re not sure about the commitment.

Other tips for on-line dating:

- Tell the truth and present your best self, but there’s no point in saying you’ve got an athletic body type or college degree if you don’t.

- Consider different options like speed dating and matchmaking services.

- Be safe, i.e., use your head.

- Do not personalize everything; if someone doesn’t get back to you there are a million reasons why.

- Be ready to move on if something doesn’t feel right or isn’t working right.

- Consider anyone who meets your criteria. You can always ditch them later and it’s good practice.

- Have fun!!!

Happy People Have Real Conversations

Did you know that people who have substantive conversations (vs how ‘bout this weather conversations) are happier? It’s not surprising, since really connecting with people requires more than an exchange about atmospheric conditions.

I have a few suggestions about how to have real and substantive conversations. At work, use the honest question approach recommended by John Baldoni. The principles are be curious, dig deeper, be open-ended, care about what they’re saying, be interested in what they’re saying, and take your time. If you can’t be interested and caring, why are you trying to have a conversation with this person anyway?

At home, the same. In social situations, the same. With your kids, the same.

In other words, when you talk with people, be focused. Try to learn something about them you don’t already know. Show them you care and are interested in what they have to say by making eye-contact, leaning forward, nodding and asking follow-up questions. Use open-ended, not yes-no, questions. Do not be thinking about what you’re going to cook for dinner or what you’re going to say to get them to change their mind. Do not be checking your phone. Just practice listening, paying attention and asking good questions.

Maybe you’ll find yourself walking away feeling a bit happier. It’s cool to really connect with people. And as Chris Peterson, positive psychologist par excellence, says, people matter.

A good listen:  Connection. The Rolling Stones.