Are you Practicing TLC (Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes)?

As a society, we greatly underestimate the effects of lifestyle on our psychological and social well-being and optimal cognitive functioning.  So says Roger Walsh who talks about eight of the areas we might all consider if we’re going to make some TLCs.

*Exercise – need I say more?

*Nutrition and diet – this includes what we eat (eat more fruits and vegetables, some fish-- preferably those low in mercury, and reduce calories) and supplements, the latter of which are recently as controversial as ever.

*Nature – as in, spend more time there and less with your iBuddies.

*Relationships – particularly our social capital or connections with others.

*Recreation – have more fun.

*Relaxation and stress management - do more meditation, relaxation and/or yoga.

*Religious/Spiritual Involvement – beneficial are approaches with an emphasis on forgiveness and love (vs punishment and guilt).

*Contribution/Service –best summarized by:  “’give back’—instead of Prozac” (cited in Walsh).

Let’s throw in good sleep hygiene while we’re at it, which Walsh does mention as one of many other TLCs.

My challenge to you:  Do a self-evaluation of each area.  You know how well you’re doing.  Then pick a couple of areas and do something new or different.  Kick it up a notch.

Groovin’, The Young Rascals

The Key to My Heart: Relationship Tips

When things are going reasonably well, we tend to take relationships for granted.  There are a number of things we can all do to improve our relationships, in good times and in bad.  Based on the Gottman’s work on marital satisfaction, here are a few of the keys. 

1.  Ask lots of questions and talk a lot, so you can know one another better.  Isn’t it cool when you learn something new about your partner after 5 years?  10 years?

2.  Be positive!   Notice what your partner is doing right and comment on it.  Show positive affect by keeping your tone positive, smiling, using humor and affection, especially in conflict situations.  Use compassionate communication by being clear about your needs and wants, nonaggressively.

3.  Turn toward your partner literally and figuratively.  Accept requests for more intimacy and contact and ask for more yourself.

4.  Take a time out.  When you are in conflict and you feel yourself getting hotter, agree to take a time out to cool off.  Then get back to the calm discussion.

5.  Share.  Share time, share ideas, share rituals, share hobbies, share vacations, share meals and create positive memories together.

For better and for worse, in sickness and in health, it’s always key to love and to cherish (I’m not so sure about the honoring and obeying part).

Higher & Higher, Jackie Wilson

New Habits Require Patience (and a few other things)

I like the way Michael Arloski talks about developing new habits in his book, Wellness coaching for lasting lifestylechange.  In short:

*Patience helps us stick to new behaviors even when they’re difficult.  It’ll get easier.

*Self-compassion allows us to keep positive instead of letting in self-criticism.

*Celebration encourages us to notice the positive changes and take time to feel really good about them.

*Structures are reminders (like an alarm on your phone or a picture of your desired vacation destination on your desk) of what we want to do.

*Support from others helps us stay on track.

*Coaches help us do all of the above and keep doing it even when the going gets tough.

Whether you’re cutting out coffee or cheesecake, adding walking or swimming, or practicing your loving kindness each day, change is hard.  Cultivating patience helps with all of the above, all of which help with developing new habits.

Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Flourishing: How to live the good life

Check out my latest newsletter about flourishing. 

It may be easier than you think to live the good life.

Start today!

Consider Your Wellness

When you hear “wellness,” what comes to mind?  How would you define your own wellness?  Is it physical, mental, emotional?  Take a moment and consider what wellness means to you.  Of course you get to hear my definition:

Wellness is being the best one can be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Pursuing wellness involves growth in each of the three areas, sometimes placing more emphasis on one area than another, but always with a balance among the three.  Pursuing wellness means being fully engaged in one’s physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

This is my abbreviated version of the American Holistic Health Association’s Wellness Quiz.  Do you:

-awaken with enthusiasm and confidence?

-have the high energy you need to do the things you want to do?

-laugh easily and often especially at yourself?

- feel valued and appreciated?

-have a circle of warm, caring friends?

-make the choices to get you want you want every day?

As they point out, if you answer no to any of the questions, this is where you can start to work on your wellness.  Take another moment and consider what you can do to increase your energy, enthusiasm or confidence.  What can you do to laugh more and take yourself less seriously?  What steps can you take to increase or enhance your circle of friends?  Most importantly, what will it take for you to make choices that get you what you want and need?  And no, not in a selfish, hurtful way, but in a caring, responsible way that considers the needs of others and perhaps even the planet.

Take one small step to improve your wellness today.  Comment with your wellness definition.

Good Day Sunshine. The Beatles

How to Give Good Feedback

How do you give good feedback?  By good feedback I don’t mean telling people positive things.  I mean how to tell people negative things, the hard truths, in a good way.  It’s a kinder, gentler tiger mom approach.

Your kid does poorly on an exam, your friend blows a job interview, your spouse doesn’t reach their weight loss goal for the week, etc.  How to respond?

It’s not your job to soften the blow.   Telling someone they did as well as they could gives the message that their best isn’t good enough.  It also frees them from feeling bad.  Feeling badly because you did poorly is motivating.  You get the message that you’re not doing as well as you need to do.  That makes people try harder.

Focus on the change that needs to be made.  If they understand why they failed, they can look at other actions to take in the future.  The idea that you can make changes and do better is motivating and increases confidence.

Focus on controllables.   The focus is on what they did, not what they are.  Focus on effort, not ability.  Focus on new strategies, planning and persistence, i.e., on grit.  It’s not that they’re not good enough, it that they didn’t do something they needed to do, and that thing is under their control.

Be honest.  People can tell when you’re not being honest and it undermines any feedback you give now or in the future.

Good feedback might include some of the following ideas.  Maybe you studied but you didn’t study the right way; next time you may want to try focusing on writing notes, memorizing more, or starting sooner.  Perhaps you need to use a different strategy in the next interview; next time you may want to be more enthusiastic, have a better explanation for your interest in the position or be better prepared with your job history.  It’s great that you’ve been careful with your carbs, but maybe you need to be getting to the gym an extra day or two.

Good advice for others, and good advice for ourselves.  See how well you can tell the hard truth the next time you need to give feedback.  And maybe you need a little more honesty with yourself.

For fun: Don’t ask me no questions. Lynyrd Skynyrd

Remembering 9/11

I’ve never written anything about 9/11.  It seems far too sacred.  But this morning I heard a story about Father Mychal Judge and wanted to share it with my readers.  I remember reading about Father Judge at the time.  This is a moving and inspiring story about giving, caring, gratitude, humility, bravery, spirituality, citizenship, humor, happiness, fulfillment and love.  So many of the character strengths we all aspire to play a part in this piece.  Honor your strengths today by using them, and consider trying to practice a new one.

Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings, Op 11