Inhale, Exhale — Let Go Of Negative Energy Post Breakup

You've probably had one of those knots in your back like the one I have right now. You stress out over something, lean over your computer too much, go to yoga, slip on your mat and, a day later, agony. You can hardly lift your arm over your head without excruciating pain. This must be much like the samskara, or energy knot, my yoga instructor has been talking about. 

Samskaras are negative patterns of behavior we have developed over the course of our lives. They are strategies that do not serve us well, yet we are compelled to repeat them over and over. Like Freud's repetition compulsion, when we try to undo past trauma by engaging in the same ineffective behavior, we are doomed to fail.

There are some particular post-breakup samskaras I hear over and over. Consider a few options for releasing their maddening hold:

1. Social media lurking. Checking your ex's activities on various platforms, via your friend's platforms or by allowing people to pass info onto you, each represent misguided attempts to hang on. 

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Bad Decision Blocker: Tempering the Temper Temptation

Writing about the endangered art of letter writing, Kate Bolick concludes that one of the great losses is the time lapse. That is, the time between penning your temper tantrum, and sending it. The presumption is that you can change your mind while writing, or perhaps before you get it stamped and mailed. Thus, the letter is a bad decision blocker.

Acknowledging your doubt about self-control is honest and useful. That’s why good dieters don’t have junk food in the house if they’re trying not to eat it. Why tempt yourself? Grocery shop with a list and don’t shop when hungry are other ways to temper temptation.

When it comes to anger, you must identify whether or not you’re an impulse complainer or temper tantrum tell-all. Once you know you are, you can temper your emailing or other electronic communications. I often write things on the computer and put them in drafts while deciding whether to send. Or sometimes, like a journal, I write them without intending to send.

Tempering your temper involves identifying and acknowledging your difficulty with self-control in particular situations. Don’t allow these things to be present in your environment if possible. You can’t always manage that, but often you can. But like shopping while hungry, don’t go in difficult situations when already teetering on the edge. It’s your internal bad decision blocker. For example, don’t start a conversation that you know will involve conflict when you’re in a hurry or feeling stressed out; it’s obviously going to add to your stress, and you won’t take the time to be careful in your choice of words, to listen, to be empathetic. Don’t send an email when you’re upset. Wait until you have a chance to cool down and think it over. Don’t ask your boss for the raise when you’ve just had an argument with your 17 year old (or 47 year old).

Let’s face it though, we’re not getting rid of texting or email anytime soon. So I do love the idea of the iPhone app Bad Decision Blocker. When you absolutely, positively are not sure you can refrain, the app does it for you.

Mood music:  Temptation, Tom Waits

Before you pick up your Louisville Slugger

I’ve talked about anger a lot this week. It’s funny I’ve never blogged about it, since I used to do anger management groups, I’ve written about it and it’s certainly something that lots of us have difficulty with.

These are Judy’s tips for managing anger, before you have to resort to your Louisville Slugger.

Like most things, first you have to identify the problem. For example, you notice you feel like screaming, punching someone out or kicking something. It’s probably anger, right? Even noticing that you’ve been sarcastic or snippy is a pretty good indicator. Sometimes wanting to withdraw is a signal.

Then you look at the ABCs. For most emotions, an ABC analysis is helpful. A is for antecedent, B for behavior and C for consequence.

I really wanted to say something I know I’d later regret. This registered as anger when I thought about it.

What was the antecedent or trigger? What got you upset?

My friend said something I thought was unnecessarily mean.

What was the behavior, the thing you did in response to the antecedent?

I was short and left abruptly. [Let’s note here that another typical behavior is to internalize the anger, not saying anything.]

What was the consequence?

The immediate consequence was my friend was left with her mouth sort of hanging open. A subsequent consequence may be that she’s angry with me for my rudeness. Perhaps I’ll lose a friend. [Again, let’s note that in not saying anything or doing anything, you may avoid this consequence but there are other consequences. In not responding to something that hurts or angers you, you wind up feeling angry or resentful perhaps.]

As part of noting the consequences, it’s also useful to evaluate them. Is it a good outcome? How else could you have handled the situation? What would be preferable next time?

Other helpful tips:

• Not all anger is worth acting on. Ask yourself if it will matter in two weeks, two months, etc. Or will you just forget about it and write it off as no biggie. If so, then it may be okay to do nothing.
• To rely on an old adage, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. If you’re going to say something, say it calmly and politely. You’ll probably feel less angry, and the other person may actually be able to hear you.
• When you practice change - for some it’s controlling their anger, for others, expressing it - it gets easier the more you do it.
• When you’re having a bad day, self-control is not as good. Your anger management will not be as good. You might just as well wait until tomorrow to confront someone you’re angry with. It’ll probably go better

So before you pick up your Louisville Slugger, listen to Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats, or the Bartender Song, Rehab.