3 Recovery Skills You Need Post-Infidelity

After the infidelity is discovered, even the "injured" party has work to do. What?  I just got beaten to a bloody pulp emotionally, and I’m the one who has work to do? Yes, it’s hard to think about making changes while you’re off-balance from pain and shock. Whether married, never-married, separated or divorced, you’ve been traumatized and your whole sense of self is undermined. This is one of those proverbial growth opportunities. It’s a great time to work out a recovery plan. You’ll heal, regain your confidence and you may be even better than before.

People tend to think you either have these skills or you don’t. Nothing could be farther from the truth. With a little work, everyone can improve and develop them.

Self-care. Talking with friends, seeing funny movies, taking extra yoga classes, running more, or getting a massage are all self-care strategies. They help create the inner space you need to feel invigorated and renewed. Beware of anything or anyone that’s an energy vampire. Emphasize things that re-create your sense of balance. Rely on your support system.  Engage in healthy behaviors like eating right, sleeping enough and exercise.  Use the time to reflect, accept, heal and find your resilience.

Resilience. Find a balance between living in the past, present and future. Spend most of your time in the present. Trying to understand the past is useful, but don’t take up permanent residence there. Instead, focus on savoring the good things happening right now. Savor the times when you’re feeling almost like your old self. This will give you the energy you need to bounce back. Then you can focus on your future goals with more optimism.

Optimism. Listen to the dialogue in your head and make sure it accurately reflects reality, not the distorted thinking our inner critic spins after a loss. When pessimistic thoughts come up (I am unlovable), dispute them (Plenty of people love me). Embrace positive thinking (I will find another, healthier relationship). Identify the learning (OMG, I did ignore the warning signs). But don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Just make a correction (I will definitely pay more attention to those red flags in my next relationship). Minimize negative thinking and emphasize positive thinking.

Self-care, resilience and optimism are recovery skills you can always build on. They’re a great foundation for moving into the future because they facilitate healing, create a sense of balance, and increase energy and confidence. Now you can figure out what new goals you need to be working toward. Anything is possible with this solid set of skills. Once you fine-tune your recovery skills, you’re even better than you were before.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

Before you Marry, Talk About This

I’m often perplexed by the kinds of things each member of a couple does not know about the other. Or did not know until they decided to talk to me about their relationship crisis.

You must talk about each of the following issues making certain you’re actually communicating, i.e., listening, understanding and clarifying what your partner actually thinks and feels. When asked if you’ve talked about your relationship needs , your clear and resounding answer should be a “YES.” The following should all be included:

·         How will you manage your career, dual careers, moving for careers, how much money you need to make, and so forth?

·         What are your sexual, intimacy and affection needs and desires? Do you connect well physically and emotionally? Are you in agreement about the boundaries of your relationship and level of faithfulness expected?

·         How do you both feel about children? How many and how will they be raised, when you will have them and who will be responsible for what, are some of the things you should be clear about.

·         Where are you at with religion, values and spirituality? How do you want to raise your kids, if any, with respect to these?

·         What role do you see for family and friends? How much time will you spend with one another and others?

·         What do you want out of life? What are your passions and dreams? Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10, 25?

·         Is there full disclosure about finances, drug and alcohol use and history, relationship history (any Fatal Attractions waiting in the wings?), legal and medical issues? Is there any history of physical aggression or abuse (toward others or as a survivor?).

·         Is there complete trust? Do you believe in your partner fully?

Can you communicate about all the above matters in a calm, clear way with respect and trust? It’s okay if you’re not completely on the same page about everything. Can you talk about compromises without undue anger? Do you feel listened to?

Save yourself unnecessary pain later. Work these things out with your partner. If you can’t work them out, talk to a coach, a therapist or spiritual advisor. Don’t leave it to chance. Take charge of your relationship.

If It’s Love, Train

Emotional Infidelity...The Signs

Beware of the dangerous crossroads.  Check out my article on emotional infidelity.

Top 7 Steps to Wellness

These are my top wellness steps borrowed from what the books say and what I’ve learned from my clients. If you want to improve your wellness, you may have to eat differently, change your exercise program, or develop a new sleep plan.  You have to be focused. There may be other behaviors you have to look at, like how much time you work, relax and spend with friends.  You can use these steps with any goal you’re working on.

1. Keep a journal of the behaviors you’re working on. For example, note what you eat and what type of exercise you’re doing. Writing things down help shine a light on the good, the bad and the ugly, and keeps you focused on same.

2. Set clear goals for target behaviors. Ask “what,” “when,” and “how much,” for your goals. Keep them SMART (specific, measureable, achievable, realistic, time-limited). This makes it easier to track your progress.

3. Review your goals every 90 days or so. Once you get going with a program, what’s working and what’s not become clearer. Revise your goals as needed. Nothing is written in stone. You’re looking for strategies that move you forward.

4. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t want to diet so you lose weight quickly. Everyone knows that you’ll put it back on because it’s not sustainable. Sensible, healthy strategies will result in slower progress, but you’ll be able to go the distance.

5. Enjoy the journey, e.g., find foods you like to eat and activities you enjoy. Select things that feel authentically yours. Change it up if you do better with variety. Again, you’re looking for things that are sustainable, not an activity you dislike and will not continue for the long haul. Make it fun.

6. Routine, routine, routine. Routines reduce opportunities for mistakes. If you know what you’re eating and when you’re meditating, there are fewer bad choices. You can view routines as boring, or you can see them as good practice. The latter is more useful if not always exciting.

7. Celebrate success. Note it in your journal, share it with friends and do something for yourself when you meet goals. Even small successes deserve rewards. Bigger successes warrant larger rewards.

It’s not that difficult if you keep it simple and use the steps. Wellness is an ongoing process in which you want to be fully engaged. You are always working on your wellness plan, tweaking it and changing it up to push yourself to the next level. And the next.  And the next.

For inspiration:  Beyonce’s Move Your Body

Authentic Wellness…More or Less

When people tell me about their current wellness plan, they often tell me about what they should be doing.  I should… run more, sit at the computer less, eat more fiber, eat less junk, get out with friends more, sleep less, sleep more, stress less, get to church more, complain less, meditate more…and so forth.  I’m sure you can, more or less, fill in your own shoulds.  I started wondering how authenticity, as in, being who you are, could help us with wellness behaviors.

We know that repressing how you feel is not good for your health.  Similarly, trying to do things that you really don’t want to do is probably not going to be great for your health.  It may also be why some things you put in your wellness plan are so difficult to achieve.

I’m not suggesting that you embrace your inner couch potato if you don’t exercise enough, or eat whatever feels right to you if you have a weight problem.  I am suggesting that you look at what you’re trying to do and ask yourself if it feels authentic to you.  I know, to some exercise never feels authentic.  To others passing up the dessert never feels authentic.  This leaves us in a bind unless we re-think authenticity.

I’m suggesting a different way to view authenticity.  If you love to run, run.  If you don’t love to run, find something else aerobic.  If you don’t love to lift weights, don’t do it.  But  maybe you’d love lifting you own weight.  You could try yoga.  These are decisions you must make about your wellness plan based on your true feelings.  Ask yourself what decisions you might make to honor your feelings, or truths.

Some people love to sleep more.  Some love to sleep less.  Some prefer staying up and reading or watching movies.  But sleep is necessary and it’s good to honor the amount of sleep you need to function well the next day.  So you may need a rule about reading before sleeping that involves keeping an eye on the clock.  It would honor your truth about your need for sleep, and perhaps compromise on your reading and movie truths.  You can go through the truth or compromise exercise on everything that’s tough in your wellness plan.

Your wellness plan must have rules or routines about eating, exercise, sleep, stress management, socializing, spirituality and work.  You have to ask yourself what your truths are about your needs in these areas.  You have to think about what behaviors would meet those needs in an authentic way.  You’ll find that trying wellness behaviors that meet your needs, and are also authentically you, is going to be a lot easier, more or less, than following the shoulds.

Be For Real. Leonard Cohen

Build Up Your Willpower Muscle

Starting an exercise plan, diet, or other self-improvement or work project?

Check out my newsletter on willpower at:

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs049/1101851326486/archive/1109803063833.html

Say No to Nightmare Parenting

We’ve all been on the sidelines, whether it be a soccer field or theater, anxiously watching our offspring do their thing.  When I recently read about how to be a well-behaved parent of an athlete, I realized it’s not just soccer moms that can be awful.  Parents of all spectating ilks can be awful.  Don’t let it be you.

Breaking it down…

1.  Be the parent, not the coach/director/teacher.  You don’t get to tell the adult in charge what role your child plays, be it a position on the field, Hamlet or first violin.

2.  You don’t have to fix things.  Whether it’s a problem on an exam, an admonishment by a teacher, or, perish the thought, something your child’s done to someone: have them fix it.  How else will they learn?

3.  Be the supportive cheerleader.  No matter how flat your kid’s Hamlet was, high five them for getting it done and for the good effort (assuming there was good effort).  Ditto the shot they missed (remember, it happens even in the pros), or the note they flubbed.

4.  The success is theirs, and the failure.  There’s no need to take credit where none is due.  There’s no need to rescue.  We all experience failure; just be with them as witness.  Offer comfort as needed.

5.  Compare notes.  Do they want to have a good time while you want them to become the next Garbo?  Talk about it.

6.  You will be noticed.  Give credit to all and put on your party face.  Be a model of good audience behavior and good parenting.

My stupid mouth (has got me in trouble again)…John Mayer