Separation Anxiety

I'm having separation anxiety. I don't want to leave my computer. I'm thrilled to be going on vacation. It's my first 2-week vacation in forever. But I'm not thrilled to be leaving my computer. I've left it for a weekend many times. It's a little difficult, but I manage. But 13 days. It's not so much the email. It's the access to the universe. It's the writing...I rarely write by hand anymore. Let's face it, it's bloody everything.

Sometimes when I'm working on something I don't get out of my desk chair for hours for anything. Not for a phonebook, a dictionary, the weather channel. Why get up? It's all right at my fingertips, which no longer have to do the walking. Now I just click. Soon, I'm certain, there will be virtual coffee.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about it. I love the convenience and the speed. I've just become attached. Too attached. What we might call an unhealthy attachment.

So what do to? I'm going to consider it a growth experience. It will be my project for the trip. Let go of the technology. Be one with the non-technological universe. Just breathe through the anxiety. Use a freakin' pen to write. Talk real talk to real people instead of cybertalk to cyberpeople.

At a meeting today someone used the phrase "cybercabinet." It's a place on their accountant's website where they can store a backup of their data. What next, I wonder?

I guess I'm just white & nerdy. I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I will be relaxed. But I'm taking my iPod.

Bette Davis Eyes

From the Maybelline website:

Whether you want volume, length, curves or definition, you’ll get your best lash look with our winning formulas.

It's Maybelline folks, we're talking eyelashes here. This morning on NPR's Marketplace I heard that the Botox people are about to bring us a new pill; it's one that makes lashes thicker, longer and darker. I am not kidding.

If we're already dissatisfied with our face, hair, boobs, butts, or any other body parts, we can now add eyelashes to the list of our inadequacies.

I know for all the actualized folks out there, these things are superficial and barely worth a thought; you know, like the folks on jezebel.com who think that it's only the Sex and the City women that care about clothes etc. ("Do they have hobbies, aside from shopping? " http://jezebel.com/5012292/i-like-sex-i-like-this-city-i-hated-sex-and-the-city). As for the rest of us slobs, we're gonna have to consider whether we need some lash enhancement above and beyond mascara, along with our other enhancements and dehancements.

You can tell I think this is absurd. It does concern me though. The thought that there are a bunch of people out there, primarily women, okay, and some gay men, who are going to see the ads for this inane product and think: hmmm, what about my lashes? Do they have the volume and curves I need?

I know, let the buyer beware, but honestly.

Please, you've got to count your blessings. These include your strengths, be they Bette Davis eyes, Marie Curie brains or Anne Frank courage. Forget the pills. Stick with mascara.

Her hair is Harlowe gold,
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold,
She's got Bette Davis eyes
(Bette Davis Eyes, Kim Carnes)

Get a Life

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.
-- Paul Gauguin

Reading this quote, I had to smile. Hamlet waxed poetic on the subject as well. A dish best served cold is another that comes to mind. Not being a revenge junkie, it took me quite a while to appreciate the meaning of this last one.

The positive psychologist in me considers revenge and revenge fantasies to be energy zappers. I think we all pretty much subscribe to the notion that we have a finite amount of emotional energy to expend. If we waste a lot on revenge, there’s less left for the good stuff.

Maybe as an initial coping response to a crushing blow, I can see it. It’s better than crumpling up in a ball or melting down into a puddle. Plotting and planning, not carrying out (!), sophisticated and novel revenge techniques is a one way to keep the mind facile and to keep one from dwelling in the house of pain.

But as a life’s work or continuing pastime, I’d suggest Sudoku, crossword or solitaire would be preferable. Better yet, beef up your exercise schedule, take up a new hobby, read more, talk with friends more. Work on letting go with meditation, writing, forgiveness exercises or getting closure in some other way. In short, move on. Or as my kid would say, dude, get a life.

See Seligman's REACH exercise in Authentic Happiness: Recall the hurt; Empathize with the perpetrator; be Altruistic in your forgiveness; Commit yourself publicly to forgive; Hold onto forgiveness, not anger),

Listen to: Don't let it show. Pat Benatar

Ask me no questions...

I was reading an article recently about the fear parents have when their kids ask them about the past. Do they tell them the truth about their sometimes sordid past, that they smoked marijuana at 15, when they first had sex, whether it was in or out of wedlock, or not? Do they withhold the truth? Or do they out and out lie?

In many situations, we don’t tell all. Sometimes it’s to avoid judgment, sometimes to avoid hurting someone, and at other times, it’s to manipulate for other reasons. What happens in relationships when truths are not shared, be they romantic relationships or parental ones, friendships or collegial?

What about the times we pretend we’re happy with things as they are in a relationship? No, I don’t really want to go out with the boys and play poker, smoke and get plowed. I’d much rather stay home with you and watch Titanic, honey. A small matter, but what happens when it’s something bigger? What happens when you want to climb Mount Everest, or your Mount Everest, and he doesn’t want you to?

I often hear people talking about how they’d like to …, want to …, would rather…, wish they could tell someone …, only to stop in mid-hope by the fear that someone will disapprove, cut them off, withhold affection, leave them. It’s not a pleasant prospect. And I’m not just talking about lovers. Think about all the things you haven’t told your parents, siblings, friends. Think about the things they haven’t told you.

So we have some situations here that come up often. Are we going to try to manipulate our kids by not being honest about the past, pretending to be the kind of person we’d like them to be? Or the person we wish we’d been? Are we going to keep a relationship going based on pretending to be someone who we’re not?

So here’s my bottom line. Tell the truth. Possibly the world’s foremost expert on lies, Paul Ekman, in Telling Lies, says we all lie. I can see it. When she asks if the dress looks okay on her, don’t say it makes her hips look big, tell her the color makes her eyes look greener. When your kid asks what drugs you did as a teenager, you might give him the short list. But apart from a little nip and tuck on the truth, tell it like it is. For kids, this would be in an age appropriate manner. And, like the woman and the dress, consider what the person is really asking. She doesn’t want to know if she looks fat, she wants to know if you think she looks good, if you love her even though she’s put on a few pounds. Your kids don’t want to know what drugs you did, when and with whom, they want to know if they should be using drugs or hanging with people who do. They want to know if they can make mistakes. They want to know if you’ll love them no matter what. So just show them the love...that’s all we really want, isn’t it?

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. Mark Twain

Spring Vacation

I know I should have written this sooner. I have reasons. Or are they excuses? You decide.

Since my last blog I have submitted a short article about grit to an on-line newsletter for the all but dissertation student, written a new edition of my own newsletter on gratitude, taken a coaching exam and continued to do the usual professional and personal things.

I've thought about blogging, I really have. But I think I was just plain out of ideas. Things grabbed me, but it seemed like too much work to get them into even casual form.

So I've written this to give myself permission to take a break. Consider it my spring vacation. Think about giving yourself permission to take breaks when you need them. Sometimes you just have to stop doing something, or several things, to be able to replenish depleted resources.

I'll put the links in later. Maybe a picture too. But right now, I'm still in vacation mode. And I think I've made a good case for my absence.

A Measure of Madness

I’m quite sure Yann Martel was not talking about divorce in Life of Pi, when he wrote about the "measure of madness" that drives us:

But even animals that were bred in zoos and have never known the wild, that are perfectly adapted to their enclosures and feel no tension in the presence of humans, will have moments of excitement that push them to seek to escape. All living things contain a measure of madness that moves them in strange, and sometimes inexplicable ways. This madness can be saving; it is part and parcel of the ability to adapt. Without it, no species would survive.

But that’s exactly what occurred to me when I read it. It’s like a marriage in which the pair are quite calm and seemingly content with their enclosure, and then, in what appears to be a moment of madness, someone says “no more of this prison!”

I’m thinking of the people that come to me, talking endlessly about their relationships, yet drowning as if in quicksand, as the life is slowly sucked out of them. It’s not madness at all, just great difficulty acknowledging that something isn’t working. That the house has become a cage.

And Martel goes on, Pi is speaking now about how he comes to understand his lifeboat:

I did not grasp all these details—and many more—right away. They came to my notice with time and as a result of necessity. I would be in the direst of dire straits, facing a bleak future, when some small thing, some detail, would transform itself and appear in my mind in a new light. It would no longer be the small thing it was before, but the most important thing in the world, the thing that would save my life.

And this is precisely what happens when we make changes. We figure out things using bits and pieces that heretofore seemed inconsequential. They become important. And gradually, we know exactly what to do. It might be the divorce, it might be the new career, indeed, it might be anything.

As a life coach and psychotherapist I’m always interested in moving this process along a bit quicker, thereby decreasing discomfort and increasing happiness. I’d like people to recognize their cages for what they are, and sooner rather than later plan their exits swiftly and gracefully.

Pi’s journey is inspiring. It’s a great book. I might add, Pi has a lot of grit. And the bottom line is about the power of relationship.

Related theme: Once in a Lifetime – Talking Heads

Maladaptive Happiness

An oxymoron? A crazed psychologist’s rumination?

Not at all. It’s interesting to note that happiness experts have found that we adapt to exciting, fun new things. I use adapt here referring to the manner in which organisms adapt to their changing environments. According to happiness researcher Sonja Lyubormirsky, we do things to increase happiness, but then we adapt. The thrill wears off. Now I call that maladaptive. We’ve all experienced it:

That hot new guy you absolutely, positively had to have…now that you have him, he’s not all that anymore?

The dissertation you’ve given blood, sweat and tears to produce…by the time you get there it’s a bit ho hum and you’re wondering what next.

The promotion you’ve worked yourself to the brink of death to land, is it really all it was cracked up to be?

Lyubormirsky and colleague Ken Sheldon are now studying whether or not people can avoid that adaptation. They’re going to look at the effect of behaviors like savoring and introducing variety.

The Nine of Cups in Tarot refers to having one’s wish fulfilled or dreams come true. It’s likened to savoring a good meal, to contentment, to sensual pleasure. It’s the wish card. So instead of just taking the hot new guy for granted…well I don’t think I really have to get into the specifics of savoring and variety, do I?

I believe that the notion of celebrating achievements is a kind of savoring. Take the dissertation completion as an example. Instead of letting it drift by virtually unnoticed, celebrating is a way to enhance pleasure in the event. And not just for the few hours of the mad party you’re having, you have to keep it going for a while. I don’t mean the party, I mean the focus on the accomplishment. Maybe keeping a copy right near you in your office is a way to remind yourself of what you’ve achieved.

Variety keeps things interesting. Studying yoga is great fun and exciting to the newcomer. You have to try new poses to keep the fun in it. It’s the same with anything new, you have to find ways to make it interesting and fresh.

So let’s share a good glass of wine, or may a couple for the sake of variety, and savor the experience together.

See the Monitor on Psychology article about Lyubomirsky at

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2008/04/overthinking.html