10 Things You Really Don’t Want In A Happy Relationship

When you first meet, your partner is almost perfect. There's the breathlessness of passion and the constant surprise of new things you have in common. You totally know this is your soulmate, the person you've been looking for your whole life. As time passes you still love your soulmate, but you begin to wonder if you're "in love" with them. Even though they give you so many things you want, you begin questioning whether you can be happy in the relationship.

These are the things that could doom your once-happy relationship.

1. Persistent criticism. You get very little praise and, instead, a frequent litany of your shortcomings. You're talking too loud, not cooking it right, snoring, or putting on weight. When you try to point out the problem to your partner, you're told you can't accept feedback. If the list of your failings seems to have no end in sight, the end might be in sight.

2. Not enough time together. Dating was great at first; you went to parties, traveled, played tennis and spent a lot of time together. Now, you might have dinner together but most of your activities are separate. You feel like they're just not that into you. You encourage more togetherness, but when you're rebuffed you start to wonder why you're still there.

3. Feeling unsupported. The flip side of not enough time together is not enough time to pursue your own interests and goals. Your partner doesn't want you hanging with your friends, spending time on career advancement, or pursuing important personal goals. You ask for the space and time you need to flourish, but don't get the support.

4. Frequent feelings of anger or depression. When the relationship is suffering, externalizers tend to feel angry, internalizers feel depressed. Identify the triggers to these negative emotions and find out if addressing them with your partner helps your mood.  No one wants to be in a relationship that makes them furious or sucks the life out of them.

5. Being controlled.  Your partner makes unilateral decisions about things that affect you both. A tip-off here is when you're asked for your opinion (Where would you like to have dinner?) which is then summarily dismissed (I'm not in the mood for Italian).  Dinner aside, there are many important issues that beg for collaboration, not dictatorial edicts.

6. Disagreement about monogamy, sex and commitment. One wants to marry, the other, to cohabit. One wants an open relationship, the other, not so much. One wants to date other people, the other, definitely not. One wants to swing, the other is willing to try, but it's not really their thing. There's too much sex, or not enough. You must find common ground on these issues, or you're both going to be unhappy.

7. Lack of communication. Everyone talks when they're first dating. Or you're so infatuated you don't notice your partner's distance. It's painful to feel your partner doesn't want to share or isn't interested in what you think and feel. If discussion doesn't get you the level of communication you need, you're likely to feel invisible and marginalized.

8. Conflict about finances. Although differences relating to money are inevitable, in a good relationship you can compromise and live happily ever after. An inability to come to agreement on financial issues bodes poorly for the health of a relationship. You must find common ground because so many important decisions concern money.

9. Differences about drinking or drugs. After the honeymoon period is over, you notice your partner drinks too much or uses sleeping pills too regularly. How much is too much? That's entirely up to you. If your red flag goes up, pay attention. Talk it out and see if there's a way to make it work for both of you. What's uncomfortable for you now will not improve later.

10. Diminished trust. First you may notice exaggerations. Then there are small lies or omissions which grow bigger over time. Finally, you find yourself questioning everything your partner says. When you can't trust your partner to be honest and truthful, there's a crucial piece missing in your relationship.

If you're experiencing one of these problems, ask yourself, and your soulmate, if it's fixable. Happy relationships provide companionship, yet foster autonomy with respect to personal goals. They involve intimacy, sharing and positivity. There's passion, not necessary physical, and commitment, not necessarily marriage. Now ask whether your soulmate is really providing you with the elements of a happy relationship.

Reprinted from YourTango

6 Great Reasons You Finally Have An Empty Nest

It's official…my baby is gone to college. I dropped him off at a house he'll be sharing with several other students for a few weeks until the dorms open. Several hundred deep breaths later, vowing not to think about that house too much, or how far away it is, I think I'm good with my empty nest, and here's why.

It's where your child needs to be. It's time for them to spread their wings and fly. Solo. You've done the work of supporting them through the scrapes and bruises of life and love. Now they've got to figure out some things on their own, like how to get laundry done, food purchased, money managed, and perhaps what to do with their life.

It's where you need to be. You've spent 18 or so years raising them. Hopefully you've focused you yourself as well. But whether you've had enough you-time or not, this is your opportunity to devote more energy to your needs, goals and desires.

It's where your relationship needs to be. Don't have a relationship? No problem. It's time to work on getting one. Already in a relationship? It's time to focus on where that's going and where you'd like it to go.

It's time to consider the future. Your career, relationships and bucket list are open to inquiry. You're not spending as much time on kid-related activities. What would you like your life to look like in 5 years? 10 years? This is a great time to start planning ahead.

It's time to have margaritas with the girls. I'll admit it. This is one of the first things I did. And I did it on a school night. Kick back and relax in whatever form that takes. You don't have to worry about homework getting done, clothes being washed or bedtimes observed. It's all about you baby.

It's time to let go. Yes, you still have a tremendously important role as a parent. And yes, you really have to let go. In case you failed to realize that you probably didn't know where your child was at 10:00, now you must accept that you definitely do not know. And it's okay. You've taught the important lessons and values. Now it's time for you to trust your child to act on these independently.

You might want to get on this pretty quick. With all the kids returning home to live with their parents after college, my plan is to enjoy it while I can.

Fly Away, John Denver

Happiness is a Warm Run

July 4^th is a 10K tradition for me and I set out with 57,753 of my running buddies. The Peachtree Road Race in Atlanta is the biggest 10K in the world, and I got to run it. I know, I know; I can hear the groans. Running's not for everyone, but the excitement was palpable. There was some kind of transcendent experience going on. I felt happiness all around me. Allow me to explain.

It is a beautifully clear day with a cool 71 degrees in Atlanta. With the 85% humidity it does feel a bit warm. There are lots of people everywhere and at 7:30AM the first group takes off.  They really take off, finishing the 6.2 miles in a mere 27 minutes, 36 seconds. You don't need a calculator to get how fast that is. I am elevated by participating in an activity with this amazing group of athletes.

I get to my start wave and we're all like horses in their stalls before the race. We're shuffling, stretching, talking, listening to the announcer and itching to get going. But we're in an enormous pack. We can't move much. I get a little choked up which seems inexplicable at first. Then I realize it's about being in this huge group of people united in our quest to finish 6.2 miles in the heat on Independence Day.

The whole enterprise is not too serious though. There's music blasting on the sidewalks along the course, people are handing out free food, beer, Frisbees, headbands, and other goodies. Runners are in costumes and makeup and there's a lot of red, white and blue. It's my version of the dances, raves, religion and nature that John Haidt associates with self-transcendence. Ultimately, there's a feeling of being uplifted, along with fulfillment and happiness. At that moment life does have meaning.

I'm not saying you have to find your happiness and meaning in a run.  I am saying you have to find something that gives you that uplifted feeling.  Something transcendent. Something sacred.

Of course, Happinessis a Warm Gun, John Lennon

3 Recovery Skills You Need Post-Infidelity

After the infidelity is discovered, even the "injured" party has work to do. What?  I just got beaten to a bloody pulp emotionally, and I’m the one who has work to do? Yes, it’s hard to think about making changes while you’re off-balance from pain and shock. Whether married, never-married, separated or divorced, you’ve been traumatized and your whole sense of self is undermined. This is one of those proverbial growth opportunities. It’s a great time to work out a recovery plan. You’ll heal, regain your confidence and you may be even better than before.

People tend to think you either have these skills or you don’t. Nothing could be farther from the truth. With a little work, everyone can improve and develop them.

Self-care. Talking with friends, seeing funny movies, taking extra yoga classes, running more, or getting a massage are all self-care strategies. They help create the inner space you need to feel invigorated and renewed. Beware of anything or anyone that’s an energy vampire. Emphasize things that re-create your sense of balance. Rely on your support system.  Engage in healthy behaviors like eating right, sleeping enough and exercise.  Use the time to reflect, accept, heal and find your resilience.

Resilience. Find a balance between living in the past, present and future. Spend most of your time in the present. Trying to understand the past is useful, but don’t take up permanent residence there. Instead, focus on savoring the good things happening right now. Savor the times when you’re feeling almost like your old self. This will give you the energy you need to bounce back. Then you can focus on your future goals with more optimism.

Optimism. Listen to the dialogue in your head and make sure it accurately reflects reality, not the distorted thinking our inner critic spins after a loss. When pessimistic thoughts come up (I am unlovable), dispute them (Plenty of people love me). Embrace positive thinking (I will find another, healthier relationship). Identify the learning (OMG, I did ignore the warning signs). But don’t beat yourself up over mistakes. Just make a correction (I will definitely pay more attention to those red flags in my next relationship). Minimize negative thinking and emphasize positive thinking.

Self-care, resilience and optimism are recovery skills you can always build on. They’re a great foundation for moving into the future because they facilitate healing, create a sense of balance, and increase energy and confidence. Now you can figure out what new goals you need to be working toward. Anything is possible with this solid set of skills. Once you fine-tune your recovery skills, you’re even better than you were before.

Happy listening with I'm Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

Before you Marry, Talk About This

I’m often perplexed by the kinds of things each member of a couple does not know about the other. Or did not know until they decided to talk to me about their relationship crisis.

You must talk about each of the following issues making certain you’re actually communicating, i.e., listening, understanding and clarifying what your partner actually thinks and feels. When asked if you’ve talked about your relationship needs , your clear and resounding answer should be a “YES.” The following should all be included:

·         How will you manage your career, dual careers, moving for careers, how much money you need to make, and so forth?

·         What are your sexual, intimacy and affection needs and desires? Do you connect well physically and emotionally? Are you in agreement about the boundaries of your relationship and level of faithfulness expected?

·         How do you both feel about children? How many and how will they be raised, when you will have them and who will be responsible for what, are some of the things you should be clear about.

·         Where are you at with religion, values and spirituality? How do you want to raise your kids, if any, with respect to these?

·         What role do you see for family and friends? How much time will you spend with one another and others?

·         What do you want out of life? What are your passions and dreams? Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10, 25?

·         Is there full disclosure about finances, drug and alcohol use and history, relationship history (any Fatal Attractions waiting in the wings?), legal and medical issues? Is there any history of physical aggression or abuse (toward others or as a survivor?).

·         Is there complete trust? Do you believe in your partner fully?

Can you communicate about all the above matters in a calm, clear way with respect and trust? It’s okay if you’re not completely on the same page about everything. Can you talk about compromises without undue anger? Do you feel listened to?

Save yourself unnecessary pain later. Work these things out with your partner. If you can’t work them out, talk to a coach, a therapist or spiritual advisor. Don’t leave it to chance. Take charge of your relationship.

If It’s Love, Train

Emotional Infidelity...The Signs

Beware of the dangerous crossroads.  Check out my article on emotional infidelity.

Top 7 Steps to Wellness

These are my top wellness steps borrowed from what the books say and what I’ve learned from my clients. If you want to improve your wellness, you may have to eat differently, change your exercise program, or develop a new sleep plan.  You have to be focused. There may be other behaviors you have to look at, like how much time you work, relax and spend with friends.  You can use these steps with any goal you’re working on.

1. Keep a journal of the behaviors you’re working on. For example, note what you eat and what type of exercise you’re doing. Writing things down help shine a light on the good, the bad and the ugly, and keeps you focused on same.

2. Set clear goals for target behaviors. Ask “what,” “when,” and “how much,” for your goals. Keep them SMART (specific, measureable, achievable, realistic, time-limited). This makes it easier to track your progress.

3. Review your goals every 90 days or so. Once you get going with a program, what’s working and what’s not become clearer. Revise your goals as needed. Nothing is written in stone. You’re looking for strategies that move you forward.

4. Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. You don’t want to diet so you lose weight quickly. Everyone knows that you’ll put it back on because it’s not sustainable. Sensible, healthy strategies will result in slower progress, but you’ll be able to go the distance.

5. Enjoy the journey, e.g., find foods you like to eat and activities you enjoy. Select things that feel authentically yours. Change it up if you do better with variety. Again, you’re looking for things that are sustainable, not an activity you dislike and will not continue for the long haul. Make it fun.

6. Routine, routine, routine. Routines reduce opportunities for mistakes. If you know what you’re eating and when you’re meditating, there are fewer bad choices. You can view routines as boring, or you can see them as good practice. The latter is more useful if not always exciting.

7. Celebrate success. Note it in your journal, share it with friends and do something for yourself when you meet goals. Even small successes deserve rewards. Bigger successes warrant larger rewards.

It’s not that difficult if you keep it simple and use the steps. Wellness is an ongoing process in which you want to be fully engaged. You are always working on your wellness plan, tweaking it and changing it up to push yourself to the next level. And the next.  And the next.

For inspiration:  Beyonce’s Move Your Body