Will You Turn Up Today with Emotional Intelligence?

Whether at work or at home, EI, emotional intelligence (not to be confused with AI, IQ or ET), may determine how you turn up today.

Will you be present or absent? Empathetic or insensitive? Authentic or phony? Centered or reactive? Empowering or disempowering? Resilient or fragile?

EI is a set of skills that defines how effectively an individual perceives, understands, uses and manages their emotions and the emotions of others. It includes abilities in the areas of self-management and self-awareness, social awareness and relationship management.

Calming down when upset, understanding what you feel (and by extension, what others feel), expressing that emotion to others (verbally or nonverbally) and dealing effectively (with empathy and humor) with conflict in relationships are all byproducts of EI skills.

If this sounds a lot like being mindful and communicating nonviolently, you’re right. To those skills add some tools for managing emotions and stress, managing tasks and choosing goals in alignment with your values, and you’re well on the road to turning up with lots of EI.

Just for fun, take an EI test here. And listen to Emotional Rescue, Rolling Stones (with an incredibly young Mick Jagger).

Ask the Questions of Great Art

In a Psychology Today interview (not on line yet), the playwright Annie Baker said, of her purpose in writing:

I believe that great art investigates the human condition, and tries to explain through images and behavior what the hell we’re doing here on this planet. And of course the answer to that question can’t be articulated in worlds. We can only catch tiny glimpses through music, painting, books, drama.

When my clients or friends are depressed, I often hear them asking questions like what’s the purpose of it all, why am I here. Of course, these are terribly difficult questions to answer. Why is it that when we’re feeling down we are compelled to have the answers? We have trouble answering them when we’re feeling pretty great.

A good journaling exercise for the good times is to try to come up with some answers. That way, when you’re down, you have your ideas and can refer back to them. You don’t have to be an artist, writer, coach or psychologist to come up with answers. Possible questions:

What’s my purpose on the planet?
What will I accomplish?
How will my epitaph read?
What will my legacy be?
If my life were a blank canvas, what would I paint on it?

Don’t wait until you’re down to ask these questions. Try it now. Just for fun. If you are a creative soul and haven’t been pursuing your art, maybe now’s the time for it.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story. Positive Psychology in Action

It’s not a great film, but It's Kind of a Funny Story is endearing, palatable for the teen crowd (Zach Galifanakis helps here) and filled with great messages.

Cliff notes version: teen contemplates suicide, enters psych ward, meets interesting people and has his Dorothy moment in which he sees that he has everything he needs in his own backyard.

Messages:

Be grateful for what you have and take the time to notice it

Help others before self

People matter and connecting matters

Have real conversations about real stuff

Find your passion, not to be confused with what others think your passion should be

And there were a few messages for parents. Parents, don’t confuse what you want with what’s good for your kids. Kids have to figure out their own passions and make their own choices. Be supportive. Don’t pressure. Notice what’s going on with your kids.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Teach your children well.

Easy Does it with Self-Compassion

Only you can shape the movie that you make.

Going easy on yourself is the subject of recent research generating some talk. For example, if you don’t stick to your diet perfectly, maybe beating yourself up is counterproductive. I don’t mean not setting goals, not having expectations and not trying your best. I mean showing a little self-compassion if you don’t get the 20 new clients this month, don’t finish your to-do list today, or feel tired and sleep an extra hour.

Not surprisingly, those with more self-compassion are happier, less anxious, less angry and do better with goal attainment. Why, you ask? You know, it takes a lot of time and energy to engage your inner critic. Guilt and negativity are also energy zappers. On the other hand, taking a day off to play is replenishing and invigorating. In this way, going easy on yourself can allow you to face your challenges with renewed energy.

How about going easy on yourself? Think about these:

*Where can you be more tolerant of your own failings or limitations? Can you cut yourself some slack and accept your limits or figure out how you can address your limits productively?

*Do you tend to keep your pain inside and hide it from others, maybe even from yourself? Who could you share your troubles with and how would it make you feel to do so?

*How much time do you spend at the pity party? What can you do, instead, to restore sanity, balance and energy?

So don’t bother to run that last mile, eat the ice cream and leave work early this week…just kidding. But seriously, you may not always want to run the last mile you planned because you didn’t get enough rest last night. It’s okay. Tomorrow is a great day for that extra mile.

And if you know who you are, you are your own superstar.
Easy Does It. Supertramp.

Sustaining Your Happiness

It’s easy to work out for a couple of weeks, practice the occasional random act of kindness, savor a success now and again and write an optimistic entry or two in your journal. Sonja Lyubomirsky has tons of happiness activities in The How of Happiness. The real happiness issue is how to keep these great activities going for the long haul.

Dr. Lyubormirsky has a number of suggestions that are important to try and make use of.

Timing. We all have a good time of day to work, to sleep, or to exercise. These are times that work best for our particular body and mind. Finding the right time for your happiness activities is important. Do you journal best in the morning or before bed? Work out at lunch or need a healthy meal at that point in the day?

Variety. Varying your routine is another factor. Me personally, I like to run in the same place. It’s always different to me and I like the familiarity. Some people need to change it up or they’re bored. They need variety to help keep them on track, so to speak. Which works for you?

Social support. Supportive friends or family help us stick to the program, especially if it’s a new program. We know working out with a buddy makes it easier. Getting family on board with schedule changes you may make to accommodate changes in behavior is also important.

Motivation, effort and commitment. Need I explain? You must have a plan and stick to it religiously whether it’s writing in a gratitude journal once a week, volunteering once a month or swimming three times a week. And as I tell people when it comes to dieting, or changing eating habits, this is a lifetime commitment if you want to keep off the weight. It’s the same for all happiness activities.

Habit. Is it really 66 days to form a habit? I’m dubious. 10,000 hours? The more you do something, the more habitual it becomes. It’s as simple as that. Keep on truckin’.

Mood music: Truckin’, Grateful Dead.

Yoga and the 23 Steps to Contentment

I talk a lot about yoga as a great form of stress management. Of course yoga is more than just that. It’s more than just the physical stretching. Not to get to woo woo, it’s a way to bring the mind, body and spirit together on a quest for inner peace and tranquility, contentment, or something like that.

Claire Dederer did a great interview about her book, Poser: My Life in Twenty-Three Yoga Poses. She points out that yoga helped her get away from her perfectionism. All yoga instructors teach you that you’re not competing with others in the room, or even with yourself. You are told to notice your body and feelings, not to change them and certainly not to fix them. Dederer notes that yoga helped her become more content with what she had, instead of looking for the path to something different, and presumably better.

I couldn’t agree more. Yoga helps with the acceptance and mindfulness that I find can be so useful for people who want to be more content and less stressed out. And it’s a good way to work on your breathing. Yet, as someone pointed out to me just today, it’s not for everyone. But what is?

Read the first highly amusing and entertaining chapter of Dederer’s book here.

Wouldn’t That be Interesting? James Franco Interview

…what if I actually was on a soap opera? Wouldn't that be interesting? People would be surprised. Nobody would expect it. And also, it's a different kind of entertainment and acting…I was thinking in a different way at that point. James Franco, October 5, 2010 interview on Fresh Air with Terry Gross, rebroadcast 2/18/11


What I really liked about Franco’s plan was the idea of trying something different, just because it would be interesting. How often do you keep doing what you’re doing, the same thing, because it’s predictable and safe. Trying something different exercises your creativity muscles, tests your courage and feeds your need to learn new things.

Okay, so you’re not a famous actor who has the soap director falling over himself to give you anything that will make you happy. That doesn’t mean you don’t have options. Where can you stretch in your life? Where do you feel stuck in your life?

In your job? Get a volunteer job so you can try out something new. Maybe working with kids, rape survivors or at a hospital is something that will click for you. Audition for the community theater or chorus.

In your home? Clean out that junk room and make it a studio. Get a puppy. Start working on that garden, finally.

In your relationships? Make a weekly date night, have lunch with a friend weekly or join that bird watching group you’ve been eyeing.

In your fitness program? What fitness program, you ask. Well, don’t get me started. There are as many ways to try something new as there are people.

Anyplace you feel stuck, or feel that things are too routine and predictable, is a place to consider something new and different. Have you ever considered auditioning for a soap opera? Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Fresh Air interview