4 Qualities To Say "Yes" To In A Partner

As Daniel Gilbert described in his aptly named book, Stumbling on Happiness, we don't always know what will make us happy. The same can be said about finding partners likely to make us happy.

My clients and friends tend to have a laundry list of things they seek in their next mate, who absolutely, positively has to be attractive and intelligent, love the beach (especially for watching a sunrise or sunset), speak a few languages, enjoy travel, desire many children, etc.  You may want to reconsider that list.

While we say we want a handsome mate, if we also want an understanding one (as most of us do), recent research shows that the handsome partner who is not understanding will be a terrible disappointment. And it follows that the not-so-handsome mate who is very understanding will bring us more happiness.

The traits that reflect our deepest, intrinsic desires are most important in guaranteeing satisfaction with our partner. 

What we really need are: 

1. Warmth. This person desires intimacy with you. Read more here...

Relieve Your Stress And Become A Better Mother

I'm quoted in a post about ways to reduce your stress for better parenting.

You can read it here...

Stress Turns Out To Be Good For You! 3 Strategies You Need To Follow

You just need to figure out how to put your stress to work for you. I recently wrote about it in a post that starts like this:

It's common knowledge that, repeated over time, stress leads to problems with health, performance and wellbeing, including illness, missed days from work, depression, aggression and relationship problems.

If you're like most people, your mindset is geared toward getting rid of the stress or avoiding the problem. Who can blame us? Nobody likes that that sick-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach fight or flight feeling. Our response is usually denial (I'm fine!), anger (Why me!) or overwhelm (I can't handle this!).

But, oddly, recent research has shown that stress actually heightens awareness, speeds up thinking, improves performance and leads many to say, "I'm great in a crisis." It's why my clients suffering with anxiety tell me their worry helps them anticipate problems and envision potential solutions. It's how I know that adults who have faced hardships early in life can have tremendous reserves of strength to face current difficulties and often a greater appreciation for the gifts life has given them.

Read more here...

Relationship Advice For Men: 62 Tips From 62 Experts

From EliteManMagazine, read all 62 tips including a few from yours truly.

The article starts like this:

Guys are often left shaking their heads in pure bewilderment when it comes to different aspects of their relationship.  Their wives, girlfriends, or partners of some sort or another, just seem to constantly throw curveball after curveball at them, and their left wondering what to do.


Without giving up on their loved ones, they fight back; but this often leads to more stress and even more relationship imbalance. 

You see men aren’t schooled in this department of life.

Read the rest here... 

5 Awesome Benefits Yoga And Running Bring To Life

As I ran one day it came to me, in the way that running and yoga bring insights, that there are striking similarities between the experiences of running and yoga. Neither is solely about benefits like relaxation, stress reduction or weight management, because the gains are so much bigger. Most forms of exercise and meditation enable us to practice the same skills and attitudes that also serve us well in life.

If you struggle to achieve balance, joy and growth in your life, choose an appealing form of exercise or yoga-like activity, and try it using these skills and attitudes:

1.  Respect your intelligent edge. We have all paid the price of not respecting the limits of our bodies, of not stopping at our intelligent edge. The result is physical pain or exhaustion after muscling into a pose that's beyond us or running too fast, too long on a given day. While you don't want to be a slacker, you also don't want to overdo.  It's similar to wanting to make partner, recognizing the 16 hour days, seven days a week are killing you, and deciding to slow down. Recognizing that you will get where you need to be eventually, but you only have one body and must respect it, is a useful way to view exercise and life.

2.      Balance energy and goals. Balance requires continually finding the strength to (in no particular order) set goals, achieve goals, set new goals and rework goals. Sometimes an injury gets in the way of moving forward. Sometimes one goal takes precedence over another. I thought I'd find the time to run a marathon this year, but with various things intervening, decided on a half instead. Though headstand is a goal, during each practice I don't necessarily strain to get closer. Learn that all personal and professional endeavors have an energetic push toward goals, while acknowledging that life happens and balance must be sought.

3.      Experience flow. Nothing beats the exhilarating state of flow. In flow one is challenged to perform, but the act is simultaneously effortless. Moving through the asanas of your yoga practice you may move into flow, realizing at some point that you are no longer thinking or evaluating, you're just practicing. On a long run there's often a point where you forget about the time, pace and distance and you just enjoy the feel of the air on your face, your feet hitting the ground and the feeling you're almost flying. Flow activities require skills you already possess, but they're skills you are constantly honing, much the way you develop your technique if you play a sport or musical instrument. Whether in exercise or life, challenges bring excitement and growth.

4.      Be present without striving. Some days I'm not striving to get anywhere in particular. In yoga I'm not trying to get deeper in a pose. On days like this my run is called, "Easy run," which is just what it sounds like. No requirements. There's nothing to achieve other than doing the three miles. It's like going for a leisurely bike ride with no particular destination and savoring the scenery. What a peaceful way to face a day. Be intentional about trying to master something, learn something new or perform at a higher level. The rest of the time, intentionally be present.

5.      Experience the joy of acceptance. Whether respecting your intelligent edge, creating balance in your practice and your life, or simply being present, consider whatever you can do at any given moment to be good enough if it's your best effort. Your best effort today may not be the same as your best effort tomorrow, and that's perfectly fine. It could not be any other way. Realize that everything you do does not have to be just shy of perfection and you will experience the joy of acceptance.

 There's a dynamic that occurs when you're working out or working on anything. You're trying to reach goals while also respecting your intelligent edge, learning to accept where you are today. The more you practice, the more you can bring these attitudes to life. So carve out time for your particular passion, be it kickboxing or Tai Chi, and develop skills and attitudes to bring you the balance and joy you need to face the world. Insight is another awesome bonus.

 Judith Tutin, PhD, ACC, is a licensed psychologist and certified life coach. Connect with her at drjudithtutin.com where you can request a free coaching call to bring more passion, fun and wellness to your life.

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day-- Lessons From My Mother

It's been almost six months since my mother died and she is still everywhere. It's difficult to distill the wisdom of 91 years, but the rules of life I learned from her are my constant companions. This is just a sampling.

 
It Never Hurts To Match

Whether partnering a purse and shoes, blouse and skirt, or clothing and jewelry, avoiding clashing colors, patterns and styles is the key to looking smart and successful. Not referring specifically to partners in life here, she thought the same about those. You can't live successfully with someone with whom you clash on basic values and beliefs. Or clothing. 

Every Pot Has Its Cover

Here she was clearly speaking metaphorically; you will find your match. This came up as I agonized over someone or other so long ago I can't remember the specifics. It's one of those aphorisms that comes back to me when I talk to friends and clients. It's like one of the Ten Commandments. I took it on faith and it got me through many a dark day. Now I know it's true. 

Never Wear White Shoes After Labor Day 

So, about those white shoes…there are so many rules of fashion. Read more here...

Inhale, Exhale — Let Go Of Negative Energy Post Breakup

You've probably had one of those knots in your back like the one I have right now. You stress out over something, lean over your computer too much, go to yoga, slip on your mat and, a day later, agony. You can hardly lift your arm over your head without excruciating pain. This must be much like the samskara, or energy knot, my yoga instructor has been talking about. 

Samskaras are negative patterns of behavior we have developed over the course of our lives. They are strategies that do not serve us well, yet we are compelled to repeat them over and over. Like Freud's repetition compulsion, when we try to undo past trauma by engaging in the same ineffective behavior, we are doomed to fail.

There are some particular post-breakup samskaras I hear over and over. Consider a few options for releasing their maddening hold:

1. Social media lurking. Checking your ex's activities on various platforms, via your friend's platforms or by allowing people to pass info onto you, each represent misguided attempts to hang on. 

Read more here...