The Virtues of Pessimism

Now those who know me or follow my work will be surprised to find me extolling the virtues of pessimism, but hear me out.  You’re applying to grad school, looking for a job, doing on-line dating, trying to get your article published…There are some ways in which not always thinking on the bright side can soften the blow.

Pessimism protects us from disappointment.  I might not get this job…win this game…get that acceptance letter.  If it happens that you do not, anticipating that outcome does seem to make it a bit easier to bear.  I’m not giving you permission to slack off, just permission to be realistic.

Pessimism helps us anticipate problems so we can take steps to correct things, i.e., defensive pessimism.  Maybe my resume could be more dynamic, my on-line profile might use a little tweaking or my article might do better in a different publication, which means I need to re-work it before sending it out.  All of these are good steps to take to avoid possible difficulties in the future.

Anticipating the worst helps us prepare for it.  Consider the difference between a shocking loss and one we’ve been expecting.  We can get ready emotionally for the tragedy we believe is coming instead of being blindsided.  Getting ready for the worst has practical implications…I’m not going to open that letter alone.  And it affects our emotional reactions as well…. I’m not going to open that letter alone.    A little anticipation can protect us from some of the pain associated with losses.

Truth be told, I have written about how to increase optimism by decreasing pessimism, and I stand by that.  It’s still true that optimistic people are healthier, more resilient and live longer.  But into every life a little rain must fall, and when it does, it really helps to have an umbrella handy.

Rain, The Beatles

Overachievers, Perfectionists and Supermoms

The November, 2011 issue of Psychology Today has a piece about overachievers.  Included is the supermom.  Psychologist Diane Halpern points out that women still do more child care and work in the home.  Their work outside the home is also on the rise.  It’s proposed that women want to be the perfect wife, mother, worker,  citizen, volunteer, etc.,  because we worry about how others will judge us.  I’d add in sex kitten, soul mate and child therapist explaining why so many of my clients are ready to go completely berserk.  We’re always trying to meet the requirements we’ve internalized about what it means to be a woman today.

According to psychologist Gordon Flett, this is a recipe for exhaustion and health problems, including depression.  Speaking of life balance, you may have to give up something, he points out.

My suggestions:

*Consider what’s important in your life right now and focus on those things.

* Be prepared to let a few things go.  Maybe you’ll pick them up later if they’re really important.

*Ask for support.  Don’t tell me it’s easier to do it yourself.  That’s true only in the short-term.  Long-term, help is good.

*Forget being perfect.  There is no perfect.

*Try not to worry about how others judge you.  People usually care far less about us than we think.  And if they are judging, who has that right?

Think outside the house with the white picket fence.  What does being a woman today mean to you?  What does life balance mean to you?  Why do you care so much about what others think?

Fuckin’ Perfect, Pink

Improve Your Inner Dialogue and Decrease Anxiety

GUEST BLOGGER Ryan Rivera used to suffer from anxiety. When he turned to natural and alternative methods of treatment, he got the help he needed. To know more about how he survived anxiety, go to www.calmclinic.com

Internal dialogue, or self-talk, powerfully shapes and programs your self-concept. Usually normal and non-threatening, when the content consists of unfailingly negative and unhealthy deliberations or beliefs about your self-worth, self-talk can lead to anxiety. To be set free from this negative internal dialogue, work must be done.

1. Become More Mindful of Your Thinking Pattern

The first step to changing your negative internal dialogue is to gain awareness of your thinking pattern, particularly the instances when negative thoughts persist. Scrutinize and analyze your mental ideas and sentences. Identify them as positive or negative. Keep the positive ones and throw the negative thoughts away.

2. Keep Your Thoughts in a Journal

Sometimes, you can’t keep track of all the thoughts you have. To track thoughts and allow for further examination, keep a journal or diary. When a troubling thought comes or a strong feeling is evoked write it down like you are telling a story--your story. It will shed light on the real root of your difficulties.

3. STOP the Negative Thoughts

When a negative thought pops up, take active action and stop it. You can do this by stating out loud the very simple, four-letter word “STOP!” Saying this with conviction and power makes you the master of your mind. Taking control makes you the master of your thinking.

4. Relax

For counterattacks against negative thoughts to be effective, you must be calm. With your back on a chair or on a firm mattress, close your eyes and block all surrounding noises, except your breathing. Press your palms on your chest and abdomen. Inhale deeply and feel the rise of your abdomen. Hold your breath. Then, slowly release this air and feel your abdomen fall. Repeat until you’re more relaxed.

5. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Extreme negativity feeds anxiety. Thinking of worst case scenarios and assuming you will fail contributes directly to failure. To stop this vicious cycle, question your negative thoughts. Ask yourself if these thoughts are reasonable and logical. If not, think instead: “things will be better this time” or “everything will turn out well."

6. Positive Affirmations

“I am at peace today” or “I am good” are examples of positive affirmations, a great tool to help reprogram your unconscious mind from negative thinking to positive. Make a positive statement that you would like reality to reflect, and repeat it until it is part of your way of thinking.

Improving your internal dialogue is a great anxiety reduction technique that you must practice to master.  Recognize that negative thoughts are mere thoughts, nothing more and nothing less, and achieve peace of mind.

Manage Your Energy to Move Ahead

I was revisiting a great book, The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr & Tony Schwartz, and was struck by the simplicity of their basic axioms.  Following them makes it seem like a straight shot from Point A (where I am now) to Point B (where I’d like to move to).

*To be fully engaged in our activities we draw on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual sources of energy.

Interpretation:  You can’t ignore any of these components of your life.

*Energy expenditure and renewal are equally important.

Interpretation:  You can’t sit on your butt and expect to feel energetic, but you also can’t ignore your need to recharge.

*Reaching our full potential requires pushing beyond our usual limits.

nterpretation:  You can’t coast and expect to feel engaged; you’ve got to push the envelope.

*Positive energy rituals are critical for high performance.

Interpretation:  You have to have specific strategies for creating positive energy (e.g., meditation, prayer, deep breathing).  You can’t just wait for the positivity to come.

*Change requires defining your purpose, facing your truth and taking action.

Interpretation: Not only do you have to identify your goals, you must face the hard truths about yourself and others and act according to those truths.  You can’t put your head in the sand and expect to feel fully engaged and energized in your life.

My suggestion:  Choose one place in your life where you’d like some movement.  Can you get back to doing something that gave you a sense of meaning, peace or energy?  Can you do more, or less, than you’re doing right now?  Can you push the envelope somewhere?  Can you introduce a positive ritual?  Can you face a hard truth and take the difficult step you’ve been avoiding?  It’s great stuff.  Just take a shot.

Crank it up with Pat Benatar.  Hit me with your best shot.

Just Stay Positive. Optimism and Cancer Survival

Guest blogger Trevor Bradshaw is a dedicated cancer advocate and aspiring writer, who is very passionate about educating people on the power of optimism in fighting cancer.

Just Stay Positive.  Optimism and Cancer Survival, Trevor Bradshaw

We hear it so often that sometimes, it seems like we don’t even listen to it at all but is there more to the phrase “just stay positive” than even the most ardent optimists would have guessed?  Scientists, who are studying the new field of physchoneuroimmunology and exploring the interactions between the body’s nervous and immune systems, believe that there just might be.  In fact, studies are showing that the power of positive thinking might even be strong enough to fight against cancer!

Although scientists are still at a loss to explain it, several recent studies have shown an extremely strong connection between positivity and cancer patients’ survival rates.  An extensive study performed by the Mayo Cancer clinic showed that the cancer mortality rate is a shocking 19% higher for pessimists than it is for optimists.  Some scientists posit that the gap in life expectancy and cancer mortality rates is primarily due to too much negative thinking.  They point to new research on the effects of norepinephrine (released into the bloodstream in large amounts when you feel stressed) that has demonstrated a direct correlation between too much stress and tumor growth.  The new studies show that norepinephrine increases cancerous tumor cell growth in mice and scientists now believe that it plays a significant role in ovarian cancer in humans as well.   Those who believe in the power of positivity point to studies showing optimists’  increased life expectancy in cancers caused by environmental factors like peritoneal mesothelioma.

While there is still much research to be done before you’ll hear your doctor prescribe “just stay positive” as a treatment for cancer, it is increasingly commonplace for doctors to recommend patients diagnosed with rare cancers like mesothelioma to attend support groups.  In fact, with its low survival rate, limited treatment options, and relative rareness, it should come as no surprise that mesothelioma support groups are quickly becoming one of the top complementary treatments for mesothelioma patients. Because support groups allow patients an outlet to discuss their myriad emotions and reactions with others in a like-minded community, they can decrease the dangerous levels of stress associated with cancer and promote positivity. And after all, maybe there’s more to that old advice “just stay positive” than we ever thought.

Journal Writing: Taking a Nightly Inventory

Guest blogger Ryan Glassmoyer is the Managing Editor of  AllTreatment.com, a drug treatment and education website.

Journal Writing: Taking a Nightly Inventory, Ryan Glassmoyer

I like to journal nightly about the good and bad parts of my day.

Over time this leads to personal growth and emotional stability.

There are many ways to journal. Play around with what works for you. Try diary form or make a checklist. Any inquiry into the positive and negative events of a day promotes growth.

Questions to Ask Ourselves:

Was I angry today? When was I happy?

Was I selfish? Did I help others?

Was I dishonest? Was I honest?

Was I fearful? Was I faithful?

The Act of Bettering Ourselves:

Self searching is at the heart of spiritual growth. Journal writing highlights where we want to make changes in life.

Perspective:

Writing down feelings and actions gives a clear picture of what’s going on in our lives.

Discover What Is Really Going On:

Emotions can come out sideways. We acquire small resentments and without recognition they fester; eventually unleashing on the barista or our spouse. Taking inventory of what upset us during the day allows us to keep tabs on our emotions. When we know what is bothering us we have power to remedy it.

Give Credit:

Take notice of the good parts of the day. Observing where we’ve acted better than we would have a month before creates a consciousness of growth. Acknowledging the “ups” creates belief that the “downs” are repairable and temporary.

Daily Practice:

Commitment to journal writing amplifies the practice. Repeated introspection builds emotional stability and sustainable behavior change. Journaling empowers us to own our personal actions (the only factors in our lives that are in our control.) By noticing our rise and fall we are more aware of the general flux of human lives. When others wrong us we become more forgiving, for we have been learning to forgive ourselves. We see that life is a process and not a destination.

Zen and the Art of Cooking

The food will taste better when the cook is joyful. So says Edward Espe Brown, Zen Buddhist priest and chef, in How to Cook Your Life, a lovely documentary about zen and the art of cooking.

Espe Brown says:  When you’re cooking you’re not just cooking, you’re not just working on food, you’re also working on yourself, you’re working on other people.  It’s about doing things in a thoughtful and loving manner.  How would it be if you did everything in your life in a thoughtful and loving manner?

Espe Brown says:  Is food precious?  Is food worth caring about?  Are you precious?  Are you worth caring about?  It’s a bit of eating to live and a bit of living to eat, with a large cup of caring added to the mix.  How would it be if you considered yourself that precious?

Finally, he says: There’s the possibility of connection with life…Nourishing yourself and other people doesn’t finally come out of a package.  It comes out of your heart.  It’s about connecting with where your food comes from, and how it is prepared and shared lovingly with others.  How would it be if you nourished yourself and loved ones from your heart?

Consider cooking as working on yourself and others, as an important undertaking for precious people and as a heartfelt connection.  It’s something to joyfully contemplate.

Zen Buddhist chant

Are you Practicing TLC (Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes)?

As a society, we greatly underestimate the effects of lifestyle on our psychological and social well-being and optimal cognitive functioning.  So says Roger Walsh who talks about eight of the areas we might all consider if we’re going to make some TLCs.

*Exercise – need I say more?

*Nutrition and diet – this includes what we eat (eat more fruits and vegetables, some fish-- preferably those low in mercury, and reduce calories) and supplements, the latter of which are recently as controversial as ever.

*Nature – as in, spend more time there and less with your iBuddies.

*Relationships – particularly our social capital or connections with others.

*Recreation – have more fun.

*Relaxation and stress management - do more meditation, relaxation and/or yoga.

*Religious/Spiritual Involvement – beneficial are approaches with an emphasis on forgiveness and love (vs punishment and guilt).

*Contribution/Service –best summarized by:  “’give back’—instead of Prozac” (cited in Walsh).

Let’s throw in good sleep hygiene while we’re at it, which Walsh does mention as one of many other TLCs.

My challenge to you:  Do a self-evaluation of each area.  You know how well you’re doing.  Then pick a couple of areas and do something new or different.  Kick it up a notch.

Groovin’, The Young Rascals

The Key to My Heart: Relationship Tips

When things are going reasonably well, we tend to take relationships for granted.  There are a number of things we can all do to improve our relationships, in good times and in bad.  Based on the Gottman’s work on marital satisfaction, here are a few of the keys. 

1.  Ask lots of questions and talk a lot, so you can know one another better.  Isn’t it cool when you learn something new about your partner after 5 years?  10 years?

2.  Be positive!   Notice what your partner is doing right and comment on it.  Show positive affect by keeping your tone positive, smiling, using humor and affection, especially in conflict situations.  Use compassionate communication by being clear about your needs and wants, nonaggressively.

3.  Turn toward your partner literally and figuratively.  Accept requests for more intimacy and contact and ask for more yourself.

4.  Take a time out.  When you are in conflict and you feel yourself getting hotter, agree to take a time out to cool off.  Then get back to the calm discussion.

5.  Share.  Share time, share ideas, share rituals, share hobbies, share vacations, share meals and create positive memories together.

For better and for worse, in sickness and in health, it’s always key to love and to cherish (I’m not so sure about the honoring and obeying part).

Higher & Higher, Jackie Wilson

New Habits Require Patience (and a few other things)

I like the way Michael Arloski talks about developing new habits in his book, Wellness coaching for lasting lifestylechange.  In short:

*Patience helps us stick to new behaviors even when they’re difficult.  It’ll get easier.

*Self-compassion allows us to keep positive instead of letting in self-criticism.

*Celebration encourages us to notice the positive changes and take time to feel really good about them.

*Structures are reminders (like an alarm on your phone or a picture of your desired vacation destination on your desk) of what we want to do.

*Support from others helps us stay on track.

*Coaches help us do all of the above and keep doing it even when the going gets tough.

Whether you’re cutting out coffee or cheesecake, adding walking or swimming, or practicing your loving kindness each day, change is hard.  Cultivating patience helps with all of the above, all of which help with developing new habits.

Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Flourishing: How to live the good life

Check out my latest newsletter about flourishing. 

It may be easier than you think to live the good life.

Start today!

Consider Your Wellness

When you hear “wellness,” what comes to mind?  How would you define your own wellness?  Is it physical, mental, emotional?  Take a moment and consider what wellness means to you.  Of course you get to hear my definition:

Wellness is being the best one can be physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Pursuing wellness involves growth in each of the three areas, sometimes placing more emphasis on one area than another, but always with a balance among the three.  Pursuing wellness means being fully engaged in one’s physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

This is my abbreviated version of the American Holistic Health Association’s Wellness Quiz.  Do you:

-awaken with enthusiasm and confidence?

-have the high energy you need to do the things you want to do?

-laugh easily and often especially at yourself?

- feel valued and appreciated?

-have a circle of warm, caring friends?

-make the choices to get you want you want every day?

As they point out, if you answer no to any of the questions, this is where you can start to work on your wellness.  Take another moment and consider what you can do to increase your energy, enthusiasm or confidence.  What can you do to laugh more and take yourself less seriously?  What steps can you take to increase or enhance your circle of friends?  Most importantly, what will it take for you to make choices that get you what you want and need?  And no, not in a selfish, hurtful way, but in a caring, responsible way that considers the needs of others and perhaps even the planet.

Take one small step to improve your wellness today.  Comment with your wellness definition.

Good Day Sunshine. The Beatles

How to Give Good Feedback

How do you give good feedback?  By good feedback I don’t mean telling people positive things.  I mean how to tell people negative things, the hard truths, in a good way.  It’s a kinder, gentler tiger mom approach.

Your kid does poorly on an exam, your friend blows a job interview, your spouse doesn’t reach their weight loss goal for the week, etc.  How to respond?

It’s not your job to soften the blow.   Telling someone they did as well as they could gives the message that their best isn’t good enough.  It also frees them from feeling bad.  Feeling badly because you did poorly is motivating.  You get the message that you’re not doing as well as you need to do.  That makes people try harder.

Focus on the change that needs to be made.  If they understand why they failed, they can look at other actions to take in the future.  The idea that you can make changes and do better is motivating and increases confidence.

Focus on controllables.   The focus is on what they did, not what they are.  Focus on effort, not ability.  Focus on new strategies, planning and persistence, i.e., on grit.  It’s not that they’re not good enough, it that they didn’t do something they needed to do, and that thing is under their control.

Be honest.  People can tell when you’re not being honest and it undermines any feedback you give now or in the future.

Good feedback might include some of the following ideas.  Maybe you studied but you didn’t study the right way; next time you may want to try focusing on writing notes, memorizing more, or starting sooner.  Perhaps you need to use a different strategy in the next interview; next time you may want to be more enthusiastic, have a better explanation for your interest in the position or be better prepared with your job history.  It’s great that you’ve been careful with your carbs, but maybe you need to be getting to the gym an extra day or two.

Good advice for others, and good advice for ourselves.  See how well you can tell the hard truth the next time you need to give feedback.  And maybe you need a little more honesty with yourself.

For fun: Don’t ask me no questions. Lynyrd Skynyrd

Remembering 9/11

I’ve never written anything about 9/11.  It seems far too sacred.  But this morning I heard a story about Father Mychal Judge and wanted to share it with my readers.  I remember reading about Father Judge at the time.  This is a moving and inspiring story about giving, caring, gratitude, humility, bravery, spirituality, citizenship, humor, happiness, fulfillment and love.  So many of the character strengths we all aspire to play a part in this piece.  Honor your strengths today by using them, and consider trying to practice a new one.

Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings, Op 11

Achieve Your Goals. Watch Sports!

It’s a holiday and I’m watching the US Open.  I’d planned to just tune in for a bit and then was taken in by Serena.  The poise, the power the panache.  Then caught a bit of the Djokovic/Dolgopolov match, or I should say it caught me, as they played the tiebreaker for the first set and it’s 12-12 as I write.  For those of you that don’t follow tennis, that’s a lot of points for a tiebreaker.  Meaning, they’re both going at it hard…very, very hard.  It’s electric, as one of the commentators said.

Which made me wonder.  Why do we watch?  Why is it so engaging to see these stars, and sometimes not-yet stars, duke it out?  Is it, as Updike said of Ted Williams:

For me, Williams is the classic ballplayer of the game on a hot August weekday, before a small crowd, when the only thing at stake is the tissue-thin difference between a thing done well and a thing done ill.

Which reminds me of a bit of research I’ve just been reading about building up your self-control “muscle.”  It’s up to 15-14 now.  They’re just going strong.  Yes, the research, it’s about the idea that when we hang out with successful people, we’re likely to be more successful ourselves.  And Djokovic, the number one player in the world right now, won it 16-14.  But it’s still just the first set mind you.  Yeah, the research suggests that whether we’re exercising, dieting or trying to be more creative, hanging out with people who do that thing well is likely to help us in our efforts.

And that’s why I love reading Updike (it’s my version of hanging out with Updike), his eloquence being just that difference between a thing done well and a thing done ill.  Which is what I’m aspiring to.

The takeaway?  Do whatever it takes to surround yourself with people doing the thing you aspire to.  Whether they’re friends, workout partners, colleagues or those folks we love to watch on tv kicking, throwing, hitting and doing whatever else can be done with a round object.  When I sat down in front of the tv I was feeling a bit sluggish, and now, I’m totally ready to brush up on my serve and get out on the court.

Life Coaching For Cancer Patients And Their Loved Ones

 Guest blogger Emily Walsh is the Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance.  She is passionate about helping cancer patients find holistic complementary therapies that address the wellbeing of the mind, body & spirit.

Life Coaching For Cancer Patients And Their Loved Ones , Emily Walsh

Living with cancer is a daily challenge that affects all aspects of life. Marriage and love relationships, parenting, work, finances, recreation, and spirituality are some of the things that families must deal with, in the context of cancer.

People affected by cancer must deal with a range of emotions that run the gamut, from depression and confusion, to anger and frustration, to feeling powerless and hopeless. While every family member experiences these emotions to one degree or another, the cancer experience can feel like an endless, isolated situation.

Whether cancer is treatable (like an early-stage skin malignancy) or rare (such as mesothelioma), all cancer patients can benefit from having an understanding support system. Women with breast cancer, men with prostate cancer, and even those with an unfavorable mesothelioma prognosis, need to know there are things they can do to cope with their disease.

Life Coaching For Cancer Support

Studies show that cancer support networks can positively affect the emotional health of cancer patients and their families. Not only do they teach important coping skills, but they also improve a family’s overall quality of life. Support groups are not, however, the only support system for cancer patients.

Life coaching, also known as wellness coaching, is another beneficial support for those affected by cancer. Life coaching helps cancer patients look at their unique situations from a different perspective. It is a powerful support that looks at life in a positive, non-judgmental way.

An Integrative Wellness Service

An integrative wellness service, life coaching addresses the social, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of cancer patients and their loved ones. Coaches help patients gain a better understanding of their current situation, including their strengths and weaknesses, their assets, and their resources.

The coaching process gives patients a clear focus and awareness of what is truly important in their lives. While wellness coaching involves interaction between coach and patient, a large part of the coaching role is to listen to patients and offer supportive feedback.

Life coaching does not dwell on past issues and experiences. Rather, it helps families discover their strengths, skills, knowledge, and abilities as they focus on the present and move toward the future. It enables cancer patients to face their daily struggles with hope, dignity, and balance. Life coaching empowers everyone affected by cancer, in all areas of life.

Crank up Your Subjective Well-Being

At the recent World Congress of the International Positive Psychology Association, Ed Diener, psychologist extraordinaire, said the number one predictor of enjoyment in life is reflected by the ability to say: “I learned a new thing and I used my abilities today.”

By “enjoyment in life,” Diener is referring to subjective well being (SWB).  SWB is a combination of positive emotion, negative emotion and overall satisfaction with life.  As you might expect, more positives, fewer negatives and a good amount of satisfaction lead to a high score in SWB.  How do you score yourself?  How can you crank it up a notch?

On the learning side, we may learn something about the world by reading the newspaper or a novel.  We may learn something new from a film, a conversation or an article on the internet.

With respect to using abilities, you may use some of your abilities, or strengths, at work (e.g., determination, creativity, zest), and perhaps other abilities with your friends, partner or kids (e.g., lovingness, problem solving, patience).

There are lots of ways to tweak learning and to use your abilities.  Often we combine both.  If you decide to take a class in French cooking, you’re learning and you may be using your strengths in courage and creativity.  If you set a goal of learning one new fact about the world daily, you may also be using your strength in intellectual curiosity and open-mindedness.

My challenge: notice daily whether you are learning and using abilities.  If you aren’t, crank it up a notch.  If you are, crank it up a notch anyway.  Then see whether you feel a greater sense of enjoyment and confidence, and maybe even courage.

Music to crank it up a notch:  I Feel Good, James Brown