Why People Create Fake Online Relationships

I am quoted in this article about why people create imaginary relationships online at YourTango.

Questions You Must Ask About Your Online Relationships

If you had no doubts before, surely after the Manti Te'o fiasco you are taking a hard look at your online relationships. Let me say that I'm no online prude. I have clients I work with who I've never met offline. I've had virtual assistants I've never even spoken with on the phone. I've done online dating and talked to high school boyfriends online. I've taken virtual classes and have colleagues I've "met" in those classes who I've never met in person. All of that is fine. I do try to recognize these relationships for what they are, and accept their limitations. I'm suggesting you try to do the same.

Let's do a little Q & A.

·         Q. Should I be concerned that he doesn't want to meet me offline?

 A. Yes! You should absolutely be concerned if he only wants to talk online. Not wanting a real face-to-face says he definitely has something to hide. It could be the same thing that explains why he's never available in the evening or on the weekend. Someone who doesn't want to meet you is not a boyfriend, friend or any other type of intimate. They're just someone you talk to online.

·         Q. Why am I always the one initiating contact?

 A. Great question. Why are you always the one waiting for the magic "ping" signaling contact from this person? You're waiting because you've stopped living your life and you're living for a person you hardly know. I know, when you contact him he's quick to respond and flirt. It's still a sign that he might not be that into you. In fact, it's a sign that he's likely not that into you. Set a timeframe during which the relationship has to progress. If it doesn't, it's time to move on.

·         Q. Am I spending too much time with people online?

 A. Maybe. Your high school boyfriend who you haven't seen in 15 years is not your boyfriend. Why are you spending hours chatting him up online? It didn't work out the first time, right? You might consider what you are not doing that you would be doing if you spent less time online.  Like having dinner with your friends or working out at the gym where you might meet a real person. Consider adopting a rule of spending at least as much time with real-life friends as on-line friends. You can also try a little technology cleanse.

·         Q. How long do I go without a face-to-face?

 A. I'm talking in person, not Face Timing or Skyping. What are you getting out of the online contact and what are you missing out on? One recent study concluded that only real-life friends lead us to feel happier. Another study found that you can have a lot of online friends, but you won't feel supported by them the same way you do by your real-life friends. Online chats, texts and even phone calls are for getting to know someone. Once that's done, it's time to move on and meet up, or end it.

·        Q. Why can't I find him on Goggle?

 A. Not everyone has a huge internet presence, but you can tell where they ought to show up. Someone who graduates from Stanford should appear on an alumni list and a professional should be listed on a licensing website. The absence of this type of confirmation ought to raise your suspicions. You can always ask the person about it. Any reasonable person meeting online would understand your desire for a little concrete validation that they're who they say they are. After all, people lie.

 Ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly. Then move away from any imaginary boyfriends you uncover and keep it real.

 

This article was originally published at YourTango.

Are You Dying To Be Happy In The New Year?

One of the regrets of the dying is that they wish they'd allowed themselves to be happier, realizing, finally, that happiness is a choice. I hate to be morbid, but it's something to think about. Life is short. Here are a few things you might consider for more happiness in the New Year.

·         Establishing a goal of being happier makes a difference. It's that idea of choice mentioned by the dying. If you think, I can't be happy because [fill in the blank], you are not establishing a goal of happiness. Similarly, I will be happy when…, though it establishes the possibility of happiness, also implies that, I will not be happy until… You will be happier if you simply decide that happiness is important, possible and something you will work toward.

·         Do things you think you will be happy about. Need I point out the obvious? Do not do things you think you will be unhappy about. There are no guarantees here, since it's clear that often we don't know what will make us happy. Nevertheless, thoughtfully considering whether something is likely to make you feel happy because it fits with your values, interests and strengths, is a good start.

·         Savor things that are positive, even small things. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Playing with your kids. Making someone smile. When you allow things to go by too fast, you don't truly enjoy them. But it's more than slowing things down. The more you try to notice and savor positive things, the more positive things you notice.

·         Do what you love. Please don't say you can't. Maybe you don't get to do it 8 hours a day and maybe you don't get paid to do it. But don't let that stop you. Maybe you're tired of waiting for your big break. Writers often write after they finish their day jobs; think Kafka. Actors wait tables until they get their big break.  If you want to run a marathon, go for it. No regrets. No giving up.

·         Accept the things you cannot change. In fact, embrace them and figure out what you're going to do about them. It's not about changing them (remember, they can't be changed), but about changing how you deal with them. Crises are in this category, and they're opportunities for change and growth. Let them snort when you make lemonade out of lemons. It feels a whole lot better than drinking the lemons straight.

·         Choose experiences over things. We'll always have Paris, but those Jimmy Choos, no so much. Things don't last and, if they do, they'll be out of style. Paris is always fashionable. Even that dream house is not going to feel as dreamy as time passes. But the hiking trip you took with your best friend and the time you saw the Eiffel Tower as the sun set (yeah, I have a thing about Paris), these are things that stay with you, make you smile years later and can feel transcendent.

Ask yourself how you're doing in each of these areas to jumpstart your happiness journey. Then ask yourself to identify one small thing you can do to pump your happiness up a notch. It's a new year. The clock is ticking. Paris is waiting.
 

Feeling Good, Nina Simone

This blog was originally published at YourTango.

 

Top Tips Toward Wellness

It's the new year and time to focus on those resolutions. Read my newsletter about wellness for my top tips.

I'd also like to invite you to join my virtual wellness group. Contact me for more information, and to start your new year off moving in a positive direction.

Happy New Year and thanks for reading my blog!

7 Rules For Managing Your In-Laws During The Holidays

Someone once said that the only family you get to pick is your dog. Often, our families are not people we would normally choose to hang out with. During the holidays, not only do we get to spend a lot of time with our families, as an added bonus, we get to spend more time with our in-laws. The dog thing generally holds for in-laws as well, but I have worked with clients who question whether to marry because of difficult in-laws-to-be. I say it's hard enough to find the person you want to spend your life with, don't let potential in-laws ruin it.  Here's how.

·         Rule #1. Don't expect it to be like your family. This is a good thing for lots of us, but not for some. Just because you do things a certain way in your family, don't expect the same from your in-laws. In some families gifts are huge, in others, barely noticeable. Some have turkey, some have ham. And really, was it so great in your family? Be open to differences and learn to go with the flow.

·         Rule #2. Tread carefully with your partner when it comes to their family. What seems to be clearly bizarre and psycho to you will not always seem so to your partner. Kissing grown adults on the lips comes to mind. Remember, when you grow up in a country where everyone eats live fish, it seems perfectly normal to you.

·         Rule#3. Notice the nature of communication among family members and consider matching it. I'm not saying you can't be yourself, but you might consider being it more like being at work than like holidays with your family. If you're in a room of stiffs, you don't want to come off as a hysterical, loud comic, even if that works for you most of the time. If the in-laws are outgoing and you're too much of a wallflower, they'll think you don't like them.

·         Rule #4. Affection and emotion are expressed, or not expressed, differently in families. What's happening in this family? You'll make people uncomfortable if you're asking about their feelings and touching people if that's not the family way. You'll also make people uncomfortable if you shrink from the big hug from Uncle Bob because that's not your family's way. Find a happy medium.

·         Rule#5. Your beloved will be different with their family. We all have a role in our family of origin (FOO). When you get together with people you only see once or twice a year, or less, you are expected to play that role. This is true despite the fact that you are now a grown-up and not a sniveling child or acting out adolescent. Chances are, you will see your beloved in that historical role. Don't knock it; it's probably the same in your FOO. Be kind.

·         Rule#6. Not everyone will love you all the time. Borrowing from Albert Ellis' wonderful irrational beliefs, you have to recognize that, unlike your FOO, your in-laws are not obligated to love you. In some families there's a clear norm for embracing the in-law like a blood relative, in others, not so much. Remember, your self-esteem is not on the line and neither is your relationship. And you're not going to love them all either.

·         Rule#7. Make it fun. Particularly if you know it's going to be difficult, I like to challenge people to tell me one or two ways to make it fun. Some examples to get you started: learn something new about someone; give someone the gift of listening to them; make someone laugh; or, set an intention to see the humor in everything.

Perhaps you've noticed that this is more about managing your reactions to your in-laws during the holidays than about managing them. That's because, unlike your dog, you can't manage your in-laws any more than you can manage your own family. What you can manage are your expectations for them and your reactions to them.  You can also manage your stress level by making sure you're engaging in stress management during the holidays. For the ultimate management, consider starting your own rituals as a new family.

First published at YourTango.

Choose Mindful Eating For The Holidays

During this time of holiday parties, luncheons, gifts of food and leftovers, mindful eating could be your gift to self. The basic premise is to slow down and tune into all aspects of your eating. This includes an accepting and compassionate stance regarding your attitudes toward eating and your body, choice of foods, portion sizes, sensory experiences and the actual mechanics of eating.

These tips stand alone, but you can combine them with mindfulness meditation for maximum effect.

·         Eat when you're hungry, not because you're bored or emotional. Ask yourself the question, Why do I want to eat this? Only eat it if you're hungry. If you're bored, do something interesting. If you think eating is interesting you probably need some new hobbies. If you're sad or mad, figure out how to address those feelings in ways other than eating.

·         Eat what you need. When you're contemplating food, ask, Is this something good for me to eat right now? If you're hungry but you have doubts about the cookies, ask, What food would be better for me? Figure out the right food for you at that moment. Be ruthless and you'll find you know what you need.

·         Savor your food. This means chewing slowly, really tasting the food and enjoying each bite. Never put a second bite in your mouth until you've finished the first bite completely. Ditto, drinking while eating; finish the bite before washing it down. Eat one peanut, piece of candy or chip and savor it before eating the next.

·         Eat slowly and stop when full. Eating slowly allows you more of an opportunity to notice when you're full. Put your utensil down between bites. When you do start to feel a slight feeling of fullness, it's a great time to stop eating. You have to take some time to tune into this but you don't have to judge it.

·         Strive for quality, not quantity. Okay, you want a piece of that Godiva. One piece is enough to experience the great taste. By the second piece, it's not as delicious. Stick to one. At the family style meal, a few bites of those heavenly cheese grits is probably enough. With cake, take a very small piece. Sample small amounts and enjoy the pleasure without the pain.

·         Re-gift problem items. People love to give the gift of food. No matter how mindful you are, if you know you can't have just one, give it away. Save money and calories. Give it to the friend with the genetically low cholesterol and body fat.

·         Make small changes. Put a little less sweetener or milk in your coffee, give up the roll with dinner or perhaps have one glass of wine instead of two. You will hardly notice these things but, if you can mindfully make these choices, they'll give you some calorie credits to get through the holidays. You can keep up these changes later for lifelong healthier eating.

·         Plan for difficult situations. Before you go to the party or dinner, consider what you will be encountering and how you would like to handle it. Think about how your body feels and what your body needs. Notice any other feelings that might come up. Decide how much you want to eat and drink, and follow your plan. If you go with someone, telling them your plan helps you commit.

·         Stop judging. If you have a less than mindful day, don't judge it, simply start over the next day. Don't just blow off the rest of the holiday season. It's not worth all the effort it will take to recover. Notice your successes, savor them and they will inspire you.

Challenge yourself to be more mindful about your choices, and less judgmental about your behavior and your body's needs. This is an opportunity to make changes to your eating and wellness plans. It's almost time for those New Year's resolutions. Why not get an early start?

Originally published at YourTango.

Wellness…Where There's a Will There's a Way

This is a great time of year to take stock of where you are, anticipating those New Year's resolutions to come. I am starting a virtual group: Wellness…Where There’s a Will There’s a Way. Virtual groups are conducted by phone. You can be anywhere.

If you are facing the challenges of getting your wellness plan going, then this group is for you! Figure out what your wellness next step is. Treat yourself, or send a friend to this virtual group.

This 4-session virtual group will help you address the challenges of moving forward with your wellness plan, the will, by helping you find a way to:

* Develop the elements of a personal wellness plan (e.g., exercise, diet, stress-management) that is authentically you

* Use personal strengths and mindfulness to move forward on your goals

* Learn to take the small steps needed to build up your willpower

The virtual group coaching environment will help you use your abilities and resources in unique ways, and challenge you to move ahead.

 

My holiday gift, the first call is free!

Contact me for more information.

Read about Wellness here:

Top 7 Steps to Wellness
The Secret Of Changing Your Life
Authentic Wellness…More or Less
Can Wellness be Fun?

Need a little wellness music? Try Lovely Day.  Bill Withers